1.1: The Goblin’s Head

Our heroes meet in a tavern. As you do.

Transcript is below the cut!

Theme Song, written by Eli McIlveen. It is upbeat and hopeful, with a strong drumbeat and a flute and trumpet melody line.

As the theme closes, the sounds of a tavern fade in–glasses clinking, a crowd, someone casually playing on a guitar in the background. Footsteps approach the bar.

MELTYRE
(young man, unsure)
Excuse me, ma’am?

 

TESSA THE INNKEEPER
(old woman, cordial) (accompanied by the clink of glasses)
Welcome to the Goblin’s Head, young man, how may I help you?

 

MELTYRE
Uh, I heard this was the place to go for a job?

 

TESSA
Oh, bounties are hung up on that wall.

 

MELTYRE
Ah, thank you.

 

TESSA
You a wizard, lad?

 

MELTYRE
Yes ma’am, a wizard and an adventurer.

 

TESSA
(amused)
Aha. Well, a wizard, I’ll grant you. Good luck.

 

MELTYRE
Uh. Thanks.

 

Footsteps. The guitar stops playing.

 

MELTYRE
(talking to himself)
Now let’s see…bounty hunting–ugh, no. Goblins…no…uh…Wagon guard? Multiple positions? Seventy gold? Perfect.

 

Heavy footsteps approach.

 

BETTY
(a woman with a deep throaty voice)
Move, shrimpie.

 

A shuffle as she pushes him.

 

MELTYRE
Hey!

 

FINA BUTTERBUNS
(mischievous woman’s voice)
Oh c’mon, Betty, you can do better than “shrimpie.” Have a little respect for the craft.

 

MELTYRE
(annoyed)
Excuse me–

 

BETTY
Ssh. Trying to read.

 

FINA
Now here, how’s this for a zinger?
(plays the beginning of a musical sting on a guitar)
Nice hat, magic man, you get a bowl of soup with that?
(plays the end of the sting)

 

MELTYRE
…What?

 

FINA
Tough crowd, I see.
(thumps on guitar)
Is this thing on?

 

BETTY
Fina, what’s seventy divided by two?

 

FINA
You know I don’t math.

 

MELTYRE
It’s thirty-five. Can you like, move?

 

FINA
No can do, kid, we’ll be taking this job.

 

Footsteps and a slight clank of armor.

 

STERLING
(noble and confident man)
Madam, if you would move aside.

 

FINA
(amused)
Gods, did you just call Betty “madam?”

 

STERLING
Betty, is it? Please, Miss Betty, if you would.

 

FINA
(with relish)
Oh, you know he’s dead.

 

BETTY
Mm…nah.

 

STERLING
(barely controlling his temper)
Madam, I must insist that you move.

 

BETTY
(lethally)
Or what?

 

FINA
Hey, Top Gun, you don’t want to push your luck with Betty. She’ll kill you.

 

MELTYRE
(muttering)
What’s a gun?

 

STERLING
I warn you, I am a paladin of St. Cuthbert, and I am sworn to justice.

 

BETTY
I don’t care who bought your armor. I’ll still crunch you.

 

MELTYRE
Y’all can still have this job, I’ll just–

 

STERLING
That’s it.
(sword drawn)
I will not stand for this disrespect.

 

MELTYRE
Woah, hey!

 

BETTY
(axe drawn)
Oh, you want to dance?

 

VELUNE
(gender indeterminate, smooth and soothing)
Please, my children, please, be at peace. Does not the light of Pelor shine on us all? Miss, please, put away your axe, and sir, your sword. There’s no reason to fight.

 

STERLING
Sir–or madame–

 

VELUNE
Oh, neither. Call me Friar, my son.

 

BETTY
Listen, Friar, get lost. I’d hate to bloody your vegetable.

 

FINA
Vestibule?

 

BETTY
Right.

 

VELUNE
Please, my orcish sister, there’s no need for a fight. You there, mage, you are a person of learning, are you not?

 

MELTYRE
Who, me? Nahh, I’m not–

 

BETTY
This ain’t no debate, Friar. Get lost or you’ll get caught in the crossfire.

 

LADY IN WAITING
(young, hesitant)
Excuse me? (Pause) Oh, I’m so sorry to interrupt. May I get by? I need to hang this on the wall.

 

STERLING
Certainly, madam, how rude of us.

 

LADY IN WAITING
Thank you. (soft hammering sound)

 

MELTYRE
(genuinely concerned)
Does that say “Lost Princess?”

 

FINA
(excited)
Does that say “1000 gold?”

 

LADY IN WAITING
Uh, yes, I’m afraid my lady was kidnapped by a beast most foul. Her father the king has spent many lives in an effort to rescue her.

 

FINA
Well you’re in luck, little lady. My friend and I will be pleased to help you.

 

LADY IN WAITING
Oh, your friends? This is just perfect!

 

FINA
No, nope, hang on. Friend, singular. Just one.

 

LADY IN WAITING
(not listening)
And it’s a good thing there are so many of you.

 

VELUNE
Miss, I think there’s been some misunderstanding–

 

STERLING
(sheaths sword)
Madam, I would be honored to take on this quest, as a paladin in the order of St. Cuthbert–

 

MELTYRE
Disgraced.

 

(Long awkward pause)

 

MELTYRE
(unsure)
That’s what that red mark across your shield means, right?

 

STERLING
(furious)
How dare you, you scrawny little–

 

FINA
(delighted)
Oo, you’ve got a lotta nerve masquerading as a full paladin, buddy.

 

STERLING
I will not stand for this disrespect from a hedge wizard and a–a halfling jester!

 

MELTYRE
Hey!

 

FINA
Eh, that’s fair.

 

BETTY
Fina, we taking this bounty or what?

 

VELUNE
I would be more than happy to join a quest for this poor missing princess.

 

FINA
Well you’re not invited. Yeah, Betty, we’re taking it.

 

LADY IN WAITING
Oh dear, I really think a person of the cloth would be a good idea…

 

FINA
Don’t you worry your pretty head, Miss. Betty and I are more than equipped to handle whatever you’ve got for us.

 

LADY IN WAITING
Do you believe you can fight a dragon, then, just the two of you?

 

(A heavy silence.)

 

MELTYRE
(stuttering)
Did-did you just say dragon? Did she say dragon?

 

VELUNE
(in awe)
What a worthy quest, to challenge a dragon!

 

FINA
Hey uh, Top Gun. Truce? Maybe we can talk about this?

 

STERLING
Yes. Perhaps this is not a quest to be taken on alone after all.

 

MELTYRE
This doesn’t seem like a job for me. I’m just gonna leave? Yeah, yeah, I’m gonna leave.

 

BETTY
Not yet you don’t. (lifts him off his feet)

 

MELTYRE
Hey! Put me down!

 

LADY IN WAITING
Oh dear. My lord the king thought this might be a problem. Is the reward too small?

 

FINA
(incredulous)
Too…small?

 

LADY IN WAITING
Well yes, one thousand divided by five gives you…two hundred apiece?

 

FINA
Hm. Two hundred. Twoooo hundred. Hundreds. Two of them. Hm.

 

LADY IN WAITING
My lord the king is prepared, for the right party, to raise the total reward to say…fifteen hundred?

 

VELUNE
(breathlessly)
By Pelor.

 

FINA
We could…just about do that, yeah.

 

LADY IN WAITING
Oh, thank you, thank you! Please, allow me to fetch my escort, he’ll inform you of the details. I’ll be right back. (footsteps)

 

VELUNE
Well, it looks as though introductions are in order. I am Friar Velune, a humble worshipper of the glorious god Pelor.

 

STERLING
Are you a healer, Friar?

 

VELUNE
I am, among other things. Are you?

 

STERLING
No, I’m afraid I have no talent for magic.

 

MELTYRE
Can you put me down please? I’m not going anywhere.

 

BETTY
You sure?

 

MELTYRE
Not if a kid’s in danger. And I…need the cash.

 

BETTY
Right. (His feet hit the floor.) You better be a good wizard. We don’t have time to find someone else.

 

MELTYRE
I’m uh…a fair wizard. You know.

 

VELUNE
What’s your name, young mage?

 

MELTYRE
Meltyre, member of the Circle of the Greenish Fire.

 

STERLING
Greenish?

 

MELTYRE
More sort of aquamarine?

 

FINA
Well I am Fina Butterbuns of the Hiltshire Butterbuns, halfling bard extraordinaire. (Plays a few cheerful chords.) And this is my friend and associate, Betty.

 

BETTY
‘Sup.

 

FINA
And you, Paladon’t? What’s your moniker?

 

STERLING
(curtly)
Sterling. Whitetower.

 

MELTYRE
Not Lord Sterling Whitetower?

 

FINA
Ohohoho! This is delicious. Not just a disgraced paladin, but the subject of a royal scandal as well? How is Her Grace the Duchess?

 

STERLING
(angry)
I was falsely accused. Justice will be served upon those who have wronged me, mark my words.

 

FINA
(enjoying herself)
Hey, we’re not here to shame you, pretty boy.

 

STERLING
If we are to work together on this endeavor, I will thank you not to bring this up again.

 

VELUNE
I, for one, am willing to oblige. Boundaries are important for a successful quest, don’t you agree, Miss Butterbuns?

 

FINA
Fina, please. And I can’t make any promises.

 

MELTYRE
Do you think we’ll live? Like…like…do you think we’ll survive?

 

FINA
If we do, we’ll be rich.

 

VELUNE
If we don’t, it is all to the glory of the gods.

 

MELTYRE
I don’t want to die, though. I’ve got people depending on me.

 

STERLING
Come now, wizard! Man up.

 

BETTY
Hey.

 

STERLING
Ah. Right. Er.

 

BETTY
Glory awaits. Let’s go.

 

Theme song plays in the background.

 

TESSA THE INNKEEPER
Next time, on Inn Between…

 

FINA
(echoing)
Here’s the cave. But where’s the–

 

MELTYRE
(Screaming, echoing)
Dragon!

 

Dragon roar.

 

VELUNE
(echoing)
That’s no princess, Sterling!

 

MELTYRE
(hoarsely, echoing)
Guys…she’s dead.

 

FINA
(echoing)
She’s what now?

 

Credits: