Our heroes set out an a long journey into unfamiliar territory. Or do they?
Transcript is below the cut!
HANNAH
Hi everyone! Thanks for listening to Inn Between. It’s time to shout out one of our generous patrons. Tessa, if you would?
TESSA
Yes, we’d like to thank Robert of the Clear Waters for his support of the Inn. Thank you very much.
HANNAH
Nope, nope, it is just Clearwater.
TESSA
Is that a bardic college, or a druidic circle, perhaps?
HANNAH
It is a surname.
TESSA
Oh! Or a clerical domain!
HANNAH
Thank you! And thank you to all our Patreon supporters. I’m pleased to say that thanks to your help, we can now kick a few bucks to our hardworking producer, Katherine Ayers. If you’d like to support the Inn, go to patreon.com/thegoblinshead, or leave us a review on Apple Podcasts.
And now, without any further ado, let’s go to the Inn.
TESSA THE INNKEEPER
Previously on Inn Between…
Theme song.
KING
You’ve proven yourself able adventurers. I have a new mission for you.
FINA
We’re not in the market for any new jobs right now, Your Majesty.
KING
You don’t have a choice.
MELTYRE
No one can fight the Bone King! No one who’s ever tried has survived!
STERLING
We’re not no one. We’re…we’re heroes.
VELUNE
The journey will be long and difficult.
BETTY
Then we’d better get started.
Theme song ends, and tavern sounds fade in. A large door creaks open.
BETTY
This is stupid.
STERLING
There’s nothing stupid about safety.
VELUNE
I confess, I’m only too willing to sleep in a bed, rather than on the ground.
FINA
Gotta rest your old bones somewhere soft, huh, Friar?
VELUNE
(suspicious)
What do you know about my old bones?
FINA
…What?
MELTYRE
Guys, there’s something not right here.
BETTY
Yeah, we’re staying in an inn like losers instead of camping like real adventurers.
MELTYRE
No, it’s not that.
FINA
Honestly, Betty, you got to quit pouting about this.
BETTY
(pouting)
I wanted to camp.
STERLING
It’s simply safer to stay in a tavern than to try and carve out a place in the wilderness, and risk all manner of wild animals or goblins or what have you.
VELUNE
We are getting rather close to the realm of the Bone King. Night is a particularly dangerous time to be at risk of attack from the undead.
MELTYRE
Guys, seriously, there’s something weird about this.
STERLING
What are you talking about, Meltyre?
MELTYRE
Doesn’t this place look a little too familiar?
Pause.
FINA
Looks just about like every single other tavern I’ve ever been in. It’s a fantasy adventure standard.
STERLING
One inn looks about like another, in my experience. I know you’re not widely traveled, Meltyre, but—
MELTYRE
No, no, look. There’s the wall with job postings right over there.
FINA
That’s probably common enough, right? I mean, the world has no shortage of mercenaries.
BETTY
And they’re all outside. Camping.
FINA
Oh, give it a rest.
STERLING
So there are job postings on the wall, so what?
MELTYRE
And–and look at the way the tables are arranged! It’s the same as the inn we left this morning!
FINA
I don’t know what you’re so worked up about, kid.
MELTYRE
Worked up—we travelled twenty miles today and we somehow ended up right back at the Goblin’s Head!
STERLING
Don’t be absurd. That’s impossible.
MELTYRE
But our usual table is right there!
VELUNE
A coincidence, I’m sure. There are only so many ways to arrange tables, after all.
MELTYRE
But—but I’m—
FINA
Look, it’s probably just a lazy game mechanic.
Pause.
STERLING
I’m sorry, what?
FINA
Uh…you know, statistically there are so many taverns like this, and we just happened to hit two of them.
(muttering)
Because someone didn’t put in the work to draw up another inn.
MELTYRE
Someone? Like-like who?
FINA
You know. The universe.
Confused silence.
VELUNE
That’s an interesting theological perspective, the anthropomorphization of the universe—
FINA
Don’t—don’t overthink it, Velune.
STERLING
So you’re saying this isn’t the same inn because the universe is lazy?
FINA
You know what, sure. That’s what I’m saying.
BETTY
Universe isn’t so lazy about the outdoors.
FINA
Gods, Betty, can you just—
MELTYRE
That’s not what’s going on here. This is the Goblin’s Head, I swear. Look, look over there!
STERLING
Where?
MELTYRE
There, there’s the hole that Betty punched in the wall.
FINA
No it’s not. There are plenty of seedy taverns with holes in the walls.
BETTY
One way to find out.
Footsteps walking away.
STERLING
What is she…
BETTY
(from farther away)
It’s the same size as my fist.
Footsteps walking back as the conversation goes on.
VELUNE
I wonder how reliable fist size is as an identifying measurement?
STERLING
It’s reliable if you’re looking for an orc in a room full of humans.
FINA
And other!
STERLING
Yes, fine, and other.
MELTYRE
(wavering)
Why isn’t anyone else freaking out about this?
VELUNE
Do forgive me, Meltyre, but I’m still unconvinced. The world is rife with coincidences, the queer twistings of fate. Examining every one would be the work of a thousand lifetimes.
BETTY
(normal distance)
Yeah, why do that when you could be outside camping?
FINA
Good gods, Betty, if you don’t drop this right now, I swear I’m gonna cast Thunderwave on your butt. Do you want that?
BETTY
No.
FINA
That’s what I thought.
Pause.
BETTY
But if you did, you should cast it outside.
FINA
That’s it— (frantic strumming)
VELUNE
Fina, please, don’t—
STERLING
Wait a moment.
Pause. Fina stops playing.
FINA
What?
STERLING
This is not our usual table, correct?
VELUNE
(soothing to the point of patronizing)
No, of course not, Sterling. Our usual table is at the inn we left this morning. This may look like our usual table, but it is just up to the weird machinations of the world in which we live, and is of no actual import.
STERLING
Right, but I spilled this raspberry jam here this morning.
MELTYRE
(manic)
See? See? I’m not making this up!
FINA
Okay, first of all, that’s impossible. We have been walking all day, and Betty rolled high enough on that I know we’re not walking around in circles.
VELUNE
I’m sorry, Betty did what now?
FINA
Second of all, that’s not raspberry jam. It’s obviously strawberry.
BETTY
Let me just—
FINA
Aw, Betty no! Gross!
BETTY
(smacks lips)
Nope, (smack) it’s raspberry.
FINA
Leave it to a barbarian. You’re disgusting.
STERLING
I don’t understand. Did the tavern follow us?
MELTYRE
That doesn’t make any sense, why us? And how? It’s not as if it has any legs or any—
FINA
I mean, it might. I’ve heard stories of little huts with chicken legs. They usually belong to witches.
VELUNE
Now, hold on. This could still be—
MELTYRE
It’s not a coincidence! This means something!
FINA
I’m telling you, it’s just the universe being lazy. Or a witch house.
BETTY
But the outside—
FINA
Betty! I have had it with you! Just shut up about— (cut off, muffled)
BETTY
Ssh. The outside of the building looked different.
FINA
(muffled annoyed talking)
VELUNE
Now, that is a bit curious. It does seem as though this inn should be a tad smaller.
MELTYRE
Right? Right???
BETTY
(crunch) Ow! You bit me!
FINA
Serves you right! I couldn’t breathe! Your dumb giant hand was covering my nose!
VELUNE
Please, ladies, peace.
FINA
Look, this can’t be the Goblin’s Head, okay? Call it a glitch in the universe or something, but this is a different tavern.
MELTYRE
No, you’re wrong, there’s something going on here.
STERLING
Like what, exactly?
MELTYRE
Well—uh—what if um—maybe we’re under the thrall of a mind flayer!
Pause.
FINA
Oh gods. Oh no.
VELUNE
Now that is a sobering thought.
FINA
Nononononono, we’re not doing that. That’s not allowed.
MELTYRE
Think about it, we’re in a place that’s so familiar we can pick out details, but there’s no way we could possibly physically be here. Something is in our heads, making us imagine that we are where we are.
STERLING
It’s playing a game with us?
MELTYRE
That’s the only explanation!
VELUNE
I’m not sure, but I think I would be able to tell if that were the case.
STERLING
How?
VELUNE
Oh, I have…ways.
FINA
(scared)
Whatever’s in my head better get itself out before I go postal on its tentacled face.
BETTY
Meltyre, what do we do?
MELTYRE
We must be completely on our guard. The mind flayer is sure to reveal themselves at any moment. They like to toy with people.
FINA
What do they look like?
MELTYRE
They could be anybody.
TESSA
Hello, adventurers.
ALL
(scream)
TESSA
Oh, bit jumpy, aren’t we?
FINA
Get back, eldritch horror!
TESSA
(offended)
I beg your pardon?
MELTYRE
Be careful, everything she says is a lie.
STERLING
(draws sword)
You will not fool us with your nonthreatening exterior, monstrosity!
TESSA
Young man, that is very rude.
VELUNE
Peace, everyone, peace. She’s not a mind flayer. Sterling, put that away!
FINA
How can you be sure, Velune?? Like really sure??
VELUNE
I told you, I have ways.
MELTYRE
(stuttering)
What-what are you talking about? W-ways?
FINA
Maybe you’re part of the mind flayer’s plan to trick us, huh? How about that?
VELUNE
(affronted)
Really, Fina, it’s just me.
FINA
Nope, you might be an illusion. You might be the mind flayer. Any of you could be the mind flayer!
STERLING
Now hold on—
FINA
That’s it— (strums a few bright chords) (voice echoes) Tell me the truth.
VELUNE
I—
(sighs)
Fina, it’s me, it’s Velune. I’m telling the truth. I’m not a mind flayer, and neither is Miss Tessa, here.
FINA
Is that right, Tessa?
TESSA
I’m just an old lady with a tavern.
FINA
And the rest of you?
MELTYRE
(blurting)
I’m a kid with magic powers, man, I don’t know anything!
STERLING
(blurting)
I’m hiding a lot of things, but being a mind flayer isn’t one of them!
BETTY
This is why we should have gone camping.
FINA
(sighs)
Okay.
STERLING
Zone of Truth, Fina? Is that really necessary?
FINA
Yeah! It was a little necessary, Sterling, I thought we were trapped in the Matrix.
MELTYRE
The what?
FINA
So what is the deal with this place, Tessa? And Zone of Truth hasn’t gone anywhere, by the way.
TESSA
Ah, well, I’m pleased to tell you. This inn is very old, and has some interesting properties that I confess I don’t quite understand. Occasionally it gets attached to someone, and does a little dimensional grapevining so as to be at their disposal whenever they need it, to be a sort of metaphysical anchor to a concept of home.
Pause.
STERLING
Does anyone know what she just said?
MELTYRE
The inn is magic and it likes us.
Others ohh in realization.
TESSA
That’s about the sum of things. You five must be very special.
FINA
Ha! You said that with Zone of Truth in effect! Nice!
VELUNE
Terribly sorry about the misunderstanding, Tessa.
TESSA
Oh, a mild inconvenience at best. Your usual rooms are ready, if you want them.
STERLING
Many thanks to you, ma’am.
FINA
Yeah, sorry, Tessa. Zone of Truth should wear off in like, ten minutes.
TESSA
Well, maybe I’ll just move the poker game over here. Should be good for a laugh.
FINA
(laughs)
Yeah, you do that.
VELUNE
Good night, Miss Tessa.
TESSA
Night, Friar. Good night, all.
Beat, while they bid her good night and walk away.
TESSA
I’ll show you a lazy game mechanic.
Theme song.
TESSA
Next time, on Inn Between…
FINA
I don’t like this place. It’s goblin country out here.
Fwooshing sound, Sterling shouts.
MELTYRE
What are you hiding? Sterling?
BETTY
Tell us the truth.
End.
Credits:
Episode eight, “The Inn,” was written and directed by Hannah Wright, with assistant director William Wright.
The show is produced and edited by Katherine Ayers.
The voice of Sterling is Marquis Dijon Archuleta; the voice of Betty is Kaleigh Christopher; the voice of Fina is Riley Jones; the voice of Velune is Kira Mills; and the voice of Meltyre is Austin Mowat. Tessa’s voice was provided by Hannah Wright.
Fina’s guitar is played by Eli Isbell, and our theme song is by Eli McIlveen.
Want to know more about the inn? Visit us at thegoblinshead.com, or find us on twitter, and don’t forget to rate and subscribe so you don’t miss what happens next. Thanks for listening!
Tavern sounds.
TESSA
Lazy game mechanic, I do declare, how utterly…oh, hail and well met, adventurers! If you please, the plot hook is right this way.