A couple of mercenaries meet in an Inn. Special thanks to all of our patrons for this bonus episode!
Transcript is below the cut!
HANNAH THE DIRECTOR
Hi everyone! Hannah here, with a very special bonus episode, brought to you by our patrons! Buckle up, everyone, because it’s time to thank some folks. Tessa?
TESSA THE INNKEEPER
Right! First off, there’s Rachel Rauch.
HANNAH
Rachel makes a podcast called Medusa Gorgon’s Academy for Young Witches.
TESSA
Well thank goodness someone’s teaching young witches. Do you have any idea how messy an untrained witch is?
HANNAH
Let’s focus, Tessa.
TESSA
Yes, of course, we’d also like to thank TH Ponders!
HANNAH
Ponders makes an art podcast called Accession, where he describes totally visual art by totally audio means, using history, culture, poetry, and music.
TESSA
So he’s a transfiguration wizard then.
HANNAH
You know what? Sure.
TESSA
Also thanks to a few others: Dylan Smith—oh! Like the famous cleric?
HANNAH
Uh…probably not?
TESSA
And to Alicia Atkins—oh, like the famous fighter!
HANNAH
I mean, maybe? She’s an actor for a few podcasts, The Beacon and Copperheart—
TESSA
And to Rachel Gaikema. Now that’s a barbarian’s name if I’ve ever heard one.
HANNAH
Look, our patrons are probably not people you know. They don’t even live in your world.
TESSA
You’re telling me that a person called Tali Phoenix doesn’t live in my world? Thank you, by the way, Tali.
HANNAH
How are they giving the show money if they live in your world? It doesn’t make any sense.
TESSA
Well then how do you explain the next one? Finally, we’d like to thank Neon Green Tiger.
HANNAH
Well I know they make a show called Mise en Podcast about baking—
TESSA
No, no, I know them! They have a lovely tavern up the road. And they make delicious scones.
HANNAH
Are they actually a neon green tiger?
TESSA
That’s a bit of a personal question, don’t you think?
HANNAH
Okay. Thank you all so much. It’s because of you and all of our other patrons that we can keep making this show.
TESSA
Yes, thank you!
HANNAH
And now, with no further ado, let’s go to the inn.
A few seconds of silence, and then tavern sounds fade in.
FINA
(far off; with a touch of a Southern accent)
Hey! Hey you!
TESSA
Hello, dear, what would you like? We have a fine orcish brandy if you’re interested.
FINA
(a little closer)
Giant orc lady! Wait!
BETTY
Just ale.
TESSA
Coming right up.
FINA
(out of breath; regular volume)
Ugh, your legs are long. Hey! Can I talk to you?
BETTY
No.
FINA
(catches her breath; chair scoot)
Not even for a minute? Also, how are you so fast? Jeez.
TESSA
(clink)
Here you go, dear.
BETTY
Thanks, Tessa.
FINA
Oh, hey, innkeep! I’ll have what she’s having.
TESSA
Certainly.
FINA
Okay, so, giant orc lady—you got a name?
BETTY
(annoyed grunt)
FINA
How’s this, we’ll trade. That’s polite. I’m Fina Butterbuns. I’m a bard.
BETTY
Butterbuns?
FINA
She speaks! Yes, Butterbuns. It’s good, right? Nothing says halfling like a goofy last name, and I am halfling to the core, my good orc.
(brief pause)
Aww, do I see a smile?
BETTY
(annoyed again)
Go away.
FINA
I can’t, I just ordered a drink.
TESSA
(clink)
One ale.
FINA
Oh—thanks.
A coin hits the counter.
TESSA
Quite welcome.
BETTY
Now go away.
FINA
I think I’ll finish my drink here, thanks.
(chair scoot)
No no wait! I just wanted to say I saw you suplex that guard who was bothering you, and it was awesome.
BETTY
…What do you want?
FINA
Literally just to tell you that.
BETTY
You blackmailing me?
FINA
Gods, no, why would I do that? The guards in this city are the worst, I don’t want to help them do anything.
Pause.
FINA
And they’re racist too. They wouldn’t treat a human or an elf like that.
And pause again.
BETTY
(chair scoot)
Yeah.
FINA
May I have the pleasure of knowing your name?
BETTY
Betty.
FINA
…Really?
BETTY
What’s wrong with that?
FINA
Oh, absolutely nothing. I love it, personally.
BETTY
Hm.
FINA
You got a…clan? That’s an orc thing.
BETTY
You know orc clans?
FINA
I really do not. You could tell me anything right now and I would buy it. You could tell me the Orcish word for horse butt. I would not know.
BETTY
(snorts)
FINA
So Betty of horse butt—
BETTY
Triguut.
FINA
(testing pronunciation)
Triguut? Triguut?
BETTY
Yep.
FINA
Triguut. Cool. You a merc, Betty of Triguut?
BETTY
Yeah?
FINA
Me too.
BETTY
A bard merc?
FINA
Why not?
BETTY
How long you been at it?
FINA
A few years now. Why?
BETTY
You’re not dead.
FINA
Oho, I am no fragile fiddler, Betty. I am a professional.
BETTY
Pff.
FINA
And I make a point to stay nice and far from danger. Fight smarter, not harder, you know?
BETTY
No.
FINA
Yeah, I guess you wouldn’t.
BETTY
(offended)
What?
FINA
Oh, no, I meant—cuz you’re so strong, you probably don’t have run away from anything. Right?
Silence.
FINA
Anyway…
(pause)
Okay, look, I got something to ask you. I have this job, right? This little town hired me to fix their rat problem.
BETTY
What?
FINA
Yeah, I know, not exactly glamorous, but hey, they are gonna pay me really well for something that’s gonna take me like, an afternoon. The problem is, I already know this story.
BETTY
What are you talking about?
FINA
They’re desperate, right? So they’re paying, and I can’t emphasize this enough, extremely well. But if I do what I do and it takes me no time at all, they’re not going to pay me, because they’ll say it was too easy.
BETTY
How do you know?
FINA
It always happens. And what am I supposed to do at that point, right? Steal all their kids? No. Terrible idea. So. Here’s where you come in: what if you came with me to make sure they followed through?
BETTY
(angry)
Like a thug?
FINA
Nothing wrong with a little pointed thuggery. When properly applied, of course.
BETTY
Forget it.
FINA
No, hey, wait—what if I split my fee with you? Halvsies, straight up?
BETTY
…How much are they paying you?
FINA
A hundred and seventy gold.
Pause.
BETTY
Hmm.
FINA
All you gotta do is look threatening. Knock some heads together if necessary, but let’s be real, who’s gonna mess with you, right? One afternoon’s work and you’ll have made…an amount of gold.
BETTY
…Ninety-five gold?
FINA
No, that seems…too high. Like, seventy-five?
BETTY
No.
FINA
Okay, so neither of us can do math, that’s fine. We’ll just count it out. The question is, are you in?
Pause.
BETTY
Why me?
FINA
You don’t seem to have a problem with throwing down with city officials.
BETTY
(annoyed grunt)
FINA
But seriously though…I got a good feeling about you.
Pause.
BETTY
One afternoon?
FINA
That’s it. Unless it’s fun, of course, and then you’ll be begging to stick with me.
BETTY
(unamused)
Ha.
FINA
You’ll see, I’m going places! You could be in on something big.
BETTY
One afternoon.
FINA
Deal.
Tavern sounds fade into the theme song.
Credits:
This bonus episode was written and directed by Hannah Wright, and produced and edited by Katherine Ayers. The voice of Fina is Riley Jones; the voice of Betty is Kaleigh Christopher; and the voice of Tessa is Hannah Wright. Theme song by Eli McIlveen.
Transcripts for this and every episode can be found on our website, thegoblinshead.com. Find and follow us on twitter, @inn underscore between underscore, or support us on patreon, at patreon.com/thegoblinshead.
If you like our show, go tell your D&D group about us, or leave us a review on Apple Podcasts. The first episode of season two premiers June 5th. Thanks for listening!
Theme song ends.