Our heroes make a few unexpected discoveries.
Transcript below the cut!
(Begin transcript.)
HANNAH
Hi everyone! Hannah here, with Tessa, to thank our newest patron. Tessa?
TESSA
Oh yes, we would like to thank Mattanja Koenz for her support! Thank you, Mattanja.
HANNAH
Mattanja also requested to share their shoutout with their partner.
TESSA
Then we must thank you as well, Robin. Aw, isn’t that sweet?
HANNAH
It sure is. If you’d like to help support the Inn, visit us at patreon.com/thegoblinshead. And now…let’s go to the Inn.
Short silence.
TESSA
Previously, on Inn Between…
LADY DARIA
Lord Denetrah and his men beheaded the king. The princess is practically a hostage.
STERLING
Then no one knows what happened to Meltyre’s sisters?
GUARD
(sharp and distant, as if up on a wall)
Begone, adventurers! We have no use for the hired dogs of the dead king.
MELTYRE
But my sisters!
GUARD
Never heard of ’em!
LADY-IN-WAITING
Pst! Adventurers! A secret missive for you.
FINA
It says, meet me at the Goblin’s Head at midnight for information about the girls.
STERLING
This could be a trap.
VELUNE
I don’t think we have a choice.
Theme song. Fade in to tavern sounds. It’s still pretty lively for midnight. Our heroes speak in hushed tones. Door opens.
MELTYRE
(frantic)
Is that them?
FINA
No, it’s just some gnome. Stop looking.
MELTYRE
What am I supposed to do!
VELUNE
There’s nothing you can do for the moment, Meltyre. Try to calm yourself, we don’t want to give ourselves away.
FINA
Yeah, anyone would think you’ve never done a clandestine meeting in the dead of night before.
MELTYRE
Oh, gods. I hope it’s not a trap.
BETTY
Let ‘em try and trap us. We’re ready.
MELTYRE
Sterling, you’re sure you didn’t recognize the handwriting?
STERLING
It’s not as though I’m familiar with every noble’s handwriting. The paper was fine, though, it must be someone high up.
FINA
Sterling, if you gave me five minutes in the palace, I could get my grubby little hands on paper like that too.
STERLING
Could you really?
FINA
Yeah, it’s the old housekeeping scam. Easy.
Door opens.
MELTYRE
Is that them?!
FINA
Kid, your head’s on a swivel. Stop.
STERLING
Four dwarves. With hoods. Why do dwarves love hoods so much?
FINA
Because it’s cold out, Paladon’t.
MELTYRE
I don’t know how much more of this I can take. Is it midnight yet?
VELUNE
Just about, yes.
MELTYRE
(whimpers)
BETTY
Maybe they’re already here.
STERLING
No, no one here belongs in the King’s court. Present company excluded, of course.
FINA
Oh, well, thanks for that.
STERLING
Oh, no, I was…I was talking about Meltyre. Since he’s human, see.
VELUNE
Ah, he does seem to be the only human in the room. Do any non-humans work in the palace, Sterling?
STERLING
Not typically.
MELTYRE
Then who—
MARIE
(young, sweet, high-pitched voice)
Excuse me?
Brief silence.
VELUNE
Yes, friend dwarf, how can we help you?
MARIE
(affronted)
I’m not a dwarf!
(rustle as she removes her hood)
I’m thirteen.
STERLING
Your Highness!
Abrupt chair scoot.
MARIE
Ssh! Please! Lord Whitetower, stand up!
STERLING
Of course, my Princess, of course.
(shuffling)
MARIE
Shush! I’m in disguise! Jeez.
STERLING
Deepest apologies, Highness.
MARIE
Call me Marie, okay? At least here.
STERLING
(hushed)
I couldn’t possibly.
FINA
(amused)
Chill out, pretty boy. You’d think you’d never seen a princess before.
VELUNE
Princess, are you the person we’ve been waiting for?
MARIE
Yeah, I wrote you a note. You must have gotten it, or you wouldn’t be here.
FINA
Full marks for penmanship, Miss Marie, I thought a grown-up wrote this.
MARIE
Thanks. It’s practically all I’m allowed to do right now anyway. (Mocking tone) Practice penmanship. Ugh!
MELTYRE
Then you—sorry, Your Highness, um—your note said you had information about my sisters.
MARIE
Oh, right, they’re—
STERLING
Now wait a moment, you’re here on your own? No retinue? No guard? That’s awfully dangerous, Highness, if you’ll excuse my forthrightness—
MARIE
Lord Whitetower, be silent.
Sterling follows orders like a pro.
FINA
Miss Marie. You have to teach me how to do that.
MARIE
I’m trying to say, I’m not on my own.
(over her shoulder)
Pst! C’mon!
STERLING
The…other three dwarves?
BETTY
Those aren’t dwarves.
Layers of pattering feet.
LYDDA
(young, throaty, teenaged)
(whispering)
Meltyre?
Chair scoot: Meltyre jumps to his feet.
MELTYRE
(breathless)
L-Lydda? Is that—
SERI
(very young child)
(louder)
Meltyre!
LYDDA and MIN
Ssh!
SERI
(faux whisper)
Sorry!
MELTYRE
Oh my gods, oh my gods, you’re okay! You’re—you’re okay, right? Come here—
LYDDA
We’re okay, yes!
SERI
(strained)
Too tight!
MELTYRE
Sorry, Seri, sorry, I just—
MIN
(young child)
Meltyre, you’re crying.
MELTYRE
(laughing and also crying)
Yeah uh—sorry, I was just—I was so worried.
VELUNE
Your sisters, I presume?
MELTYRE
Yes! Yeah, they’re—this is Lydda, and Min, and Seri, and—gods, I can’t believe it.
MIN
You’re the heroes.
MARIE
That’s right! They killed the Bone King! And they saved me from the dragon!
LYDDA
Did you really do all those things they said, Meltyre? Like, really?
MELTYRE
Well I wasn’t much help with the dragon…and with the Bone King, Betty struck the last blow.
BETTY
(taking on an indulgent tone)
Not the first, though. That was your brother.
SERI
Wow, you’re even cooler than I thought.
FINA
(snorts; amused)
Yeah, he’s pretty cool, isn’t he?
MIN
(dead serious)
Yeah. He’s a wizard.
MELTYRE
Hey, w-what happened to you three?
SERI
We were thrown in a dungeon!
MELTYRE
What?!
STERLING
The King kept you in a dungeon?
LYDDA
No, the King was okay. Lord Denetrah kept us in a dungeon.
MELTYRE
Oh gods. And you’re not hurt or sick or anything, right?
LYDDA
No, we’re fine. We were only there a couple of weeks.
SERI
It felt like forever.
MIN
There were rats.
MELTYRE
But the King wasn’t cruel or anything?
MIN
Nope.
SERI
The King said you asked him to take care of us.
LYDDA
He was lying, right? Because you said to stay put at the finishing school.
MELTYRE
Yeah, he was…he was lying. I’m sorry I left you there, girls.
LYDDA
It wasn’t so bad, really.
MIN
The food was good.
SERI
(mischievously)
Better than yours.
MELTYRE
Oh really? (chuckles) Not like that’s hard.
LYDDA
And we had Princess Marie.
MARIE
More like I had you. It’s been forever since I’ve had friends my age.
MELTYRE
Your…your Highness, I…
(collects his thoughts)
Sh-should I kneel? I’m going to kneel. (shuffling)
MARIE
You don’t have to.
MELTYRE
Well I am now, so, I just…
(pauses, takes a breath)
I’m in your debt.
MARIE
I’m a princess. I’m supposed to take care of my people.
MELTYRE
I—don’t know how to thank you.
MARIE
Um…I mean? Well, since you asked.
FINA
Uh-oh.
MARIE
There is one thing you can do. Please, stand up, Wizard Meltyre. (shuffling) I need your help. All of your help.
STERLING
Anything, name it.
FINA
Now hold on…
MARIE
I’m just…not sure I should talk about it in front of, you know…the little kids.
MIN
I want to know the secret.
LYDDA
It’s not a secret, she just doesn’t want to scare you.
SERI
I’m not scared!
BETTY
Are you scared of me?
SERI
(shyly)
No…
BETTY
Are you sure? (pause) Cuz I’m pretty sure I can lift both of you in one hand.
MIN
Cannot.
BETTY
Can too.
SERI
Let’s see.
BETTY
Grab on.
(pause)
Ready?
MIN
Do it.
BETTY
Hup!
The girls shriek gleefully, giggling.
BETTY
Tolja. Do you girls like cocoa?
SERI
Yes!
BETTY
Let’s go get some.
The girls cheer; heavy footsteps walking away.
VELUNE
(laughs)
Well that’s unexpected.
FINA
Oh, she loves kids. All right, Miss Marie, what do you want from us?
MARIE
Okay, so Lord Denetrah is the worst.
LYDDA
He sucks, Meltyre.
MARIE
He really does. And I need your help to get rid of him.
VELUNE
If it’s an assassination you’re after, I’m not sure we’re the right party.
STERLING
An assassination? She’s a child, Velune.
MARIE
Oh, I could assassinate him by myself. But then one of his dumb idiot friends would take his place as steward. I need someone else to kick him out.
LYDDA
Someone who can beat him, like get rid of him forever.
MARIE
And someone who belongs there, so we don’t have these stupid stewardship arguments again.
FINA
Who did you have in mind, sweetie?
STERLING
A closer relative than Lord Charles, Your Highness?
MARIE
Right. I need my aunt. I need Dame Avaline.
Stunned silence.
FINA
All right, all right, let me see if I remember this story. Dame Avaline was the king’s younger sister, right? A fierce warrior, protector of the throne?
LYDDA
She was the bravest fighter ever. The best.
STERLING
A truly remarkable person. I met her once, when I was rather young. She made quite an impression.
FINA
Right, but then she went off to fight an evil sorceress, who captured her in some kind of cursed forest. About fifteen years ago? Am I still getting this right?
MARIE
Yeah, the sorceress was saying she was going to dethrone my dad and take over the kingdom, so Aunt Avaline mustered a group of the best soldiers and guards and left to fight her.
STERLING
The Wood of Woe is where they say it all happened. The legend states that the sorceress trapped her in the trees, but not before Dame Avaline struck a final fatal blow.
MARIE
The sorceress died, but Aunt Avaline never came back.
MELTYRE
Jeez. You want us to go find her?
MARIE
That’s right.
VELUNE
Your Highness, I am more than willing to attempt such a quest. I imagine I’m not alone in that. But have you considered that Dame Avaline might not be imprisoned?
MARIE
You think she doesn’t want to come back?
VELUNE
Not quite what I meant…
FINA
Sorry, sweetie, but…she might be dead.
MARIE
Oh.
LYDDA
But…but she might not be, right?
STERLING
I suppose that’s possible…
MARIE
(on the verge of tears)
Then can you at least look? Lord Denetrah is really awful, and I think he’s draining the royal coffers, and he rules like a tyrant! He’s ruining the kingdom—my kingdom, and I can’t do anything about it!
(pause)
Please? You’re heroes. You’ve already saved me once. Twice, really. And you might be my only chance.
Thoughtful silence.
VELUNE
I believe…we ought to discuss this before we say yes or no, Your Highness. May I suggest joining the other girls and Betty, just for a moment?
MARIE
(sighs)
Yeah, okay. C’mon, Lydda.
LYDDA
Yep. Um, Meltyre?
MELTYRE
Yeah?
LYDDA
Please?
MELTYRE
(chuckles softly)
Hey, you know puppy eyes don’t work on me, c’mon.
LYDDA
What? Not even after I’ve been kidnapped for months?
MELTYRE
(fondly, mock scorn)
Especially not then. Get out of here. Squirt.
LYDDA
Boo.
MELTYRE
Pff.
Footsteps walking away.
MELTYRE
What?
VELUNE
Seems a bit unkind, talking like that to your sister.
MELTYRE
No, it’s good. It’s…normal. Don’t any of y’all have siblings?
STERLING
No.
FINA
Just a step-brother.
VELUNE
I was raised by my order.
MELTYRE
Oh.
STERLING
Anyway. I think it goes without saying that I’m ready to go on this quest right away.
FINA
And yet, you said it anyway.
STERLING
Call me a royalist, if you must, Fina, but it is my solemn duty to serve the Princess, both as a Paladin and as a nobleman. I will not sway from it.
FINA
Big shocker there. What about the rest of you?
Pause.
MELTYRE
I’ll go.
FINA
A little more surprising. You’re not scared?
MELTYRE
I’m never not scared. But—but I don’t feel right leaving the princess to fend for herself, not if we can help. She’s just a kid, you know? All alone. (pause) And anyway, I owe her big time for this.
FINA
You sure you want to jump on yet another impossible quest?
MELTYRE
As long as we get my sisters somewhere safe, yeah. I don’t think Lord Denetrah cares enough about us to track them down anyway.
STERLING
I think you’re right. And you, Fina?
FINA
Pff, you know full well I haven’t got a hellhound in this fight. But the Wood of Woe is intriguing to me. You hear all kinds of stuff about that place. I’d like to see it.
VELUNE
Really?
FINA
Yeah. Is that so surprising?
VELUNE
What’s more surprising is that you haven’t mentioned money once.
FINA
Art for art’s sake, remember? There’s more to life than money, Velune.
VELUNE
(amused)
Oh! So I’ve heard.
FINA
And Betty’ll do it, I know she will. So when do we leave?
VELUNE
Just a moment now.
FINA
And the surprises continue. Really, Friar, you’re not game for this?
VELUNE
I’m “game” for it, certainly, but I worry about the possibility of success. Not for our sakes, of course, but certainly for the Princess.
STERLING
Impossible or no, if we are her only hope—
VELUNE
Hope is exactly my concern, specifically false hope. I don’t like the idea of letting her believe in something impossible only to have those hopes dashed later.
FINA
Seriously? What’s the alternative? She just gives up?
VELUNE
Of course not, but perhaps her energy would be better spent on a plan that has a chance at working.
MELTYRE
Like what?
VELUNE
Well…Sterling, surely there’s something else she can do.
STERLING
I’m not sure there is. She won’t be of age for another five years. That’s an awfully long time to go without being conveniently killed, so that Lord Denetrah can take over.
MELTYRE
He wouldn’t do that, would he?
FINA
He killed her dad without any hesitation.
STERLING
Furthermore, it’s possible he might try to arrange a political marriage of some sort that will benefit him, between the princess and an ally he can control or even between the princess and himself.
FINA
Eugh.
VELUNE
Gods forbid.
STERLING
He will not willingly let go of power. And my Princess is obviously very resourceful, but she is just a child.
VELUNE
(sighs)
I didn’t realize things were quite so…dire.
FINA
So we really might be the kiddo’s last hope.
VELUNE
Even so, such a slim hope.
MELTYRE
C’mon, Velune, her dad is dead. Her country’s in enemy hands. She has no control over her life, and all the responsibility to take care of her people on top of that…she—what else does she have but hope?
Pause.
VELUNE
Well when you put it like that, it’s hard to argue.
FINA
Does that mean you’re in?
VELUNE
For better or worse, I suppose I am.
STERLING
Then let’s inform the Princess.
MELTYRE
Hang on.
STERLING
Oh, what now?
MELTYRE
I don’t want to split them up just yet.
STERLING
Time is of the essence on this quest, Meltyre—
MELTYRE
Just—let them be kids. For a little while longer.
Distant giggling from the girls, which fades into the theme song.
TESSA
Next time, on Inn Between…
FINA
I ask you, how do you expect to embark on an impossible quest without knowing what kind of hero you are?
MELTYRE
What do you mean, what kind of hero?
MYSTERIOUS STRANGER
(deep resonant voice with a Slavic accent)
I seek Betty, chief of the Triguut.
BETTY
You found her. What do you want?
MYSTERIOUS STRANGER
I…need your help.
Credits:
Episode 2.4, “The Surprise,” was written and directed by Hannah Wright, with assistant director William Wright. The show is produced and edited by Katherine Ayers.
The voice of Sterling is Marquis Dijon Archuleta; the voice of Betty is Kaleigh Christopher; the voice of Fina is Riley Jones; the voice of Velune is Kira Mills; and the voice of Meltyre is Austin Mowat. Additional voices by Vladimir Gabatel, Kalen Grinnell, and Hannah Wright.
This episode featured the voices of our special guests: Shivangi Sikri as Princess Marie, Tal Minear as Lydda, Daphne Nitsuga as Min, and Mira Leigh as Seri. Check the show notes for where you can find more of their great work.
Our theme song is by Eli McIlveen.
Transcripts for this and every episode can be found on our website, thegoblinshead.com.
If you like our show, whisper plot summaries to your houseplants, or leave us a review on Apple Podcasts. Thanks for listening!
Theme song ends. Tavern sounds fade in.
TESSA
You know, you’d think the orcs or the dwarves or even the elves would have the strongest liquor, but it turns out it’s the halflings! Not what you’d expect, is it?
(pause)
What I’m saying is, you should probably take a flying carpet home.
End.