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2.5: The Archetype

Our heroes get literary, and then responsible.

Transcript is below the cut!

HANNAH
Hi everyone! Thank you for listening to Inn Between. Real quick, we have a patron to thank. Tessa, if you would?

TESSA
Of course. We would like to thank our patron André for his support. Thank you, André.

HANNAH
You’re not going to make some reference to him being a giant, are you?

TESSA
A giant? Certainly not. The only André I know is a tyromancer.

HANNAH
A…cheese mage?

TESSA
That’s right!

HANNAH
Oohhhkay, so if you’d like to support the show, go to patreon.com/thegoblinshead. And now…let’s go to the inn.

 

Brief silence.

 

TESSA
Previously, on Inn Between…

 

Theme song. 

 

DARIA
Lord Denetrah and his men beheaded the king. The princess is practically a hostage.

 

MARIE
I need my aunt. I need Dame Avaline.

 

MELTYRE
Betty, you never said you were a chief.

 

BETTY
You never asked.

 

VELUNE
We have a long road ahead of us…to the Wood of Woe.

 

Theme song ends. Tavern sounds.

 

VELUNE
Now, then, let’s take stock, shall we?

 

FINA
Good call, Friar. Ahem.
(exaggeratedly clears throat)
Three sisters, safely delivered to a nunnery of Pelor, where they will be hidden away from wicked Lord Charlie?

 

MELTYRE
Uh, check.

 

VELUNE
It’s a bit humble, but they’ll be safe there, I promise you.

 

MELTYRE
No, it’s perfect, Velune. It’s…nicer than anything we had growing up anyway.

 

FINA
Right. Horses sold and traveling supplies bought and paid for?

 

STERLING
Check. Did you say “Lord Charlie?”

 

FINA
Yes I did. Map obtained and course plotted for the Wood of Woe?

 

VELUNE
Check! I’ve been that way before, skirted the Wood. It’s not too hard to find.

 

FINA
Great, and one impossible quest embarked upon?

 

BETTY
Check.

 

FINA
Fantastic. (plays a few sunny notes) Then we are ready.

 

VELUNE
You’re in awfully high spirits.

 

FINA
Well, why not? I’ve got a feeling this is going to be fun.

 

VELUNE
And this with no promise of profit. Well done.

 

FINA
Yeah, that’s weird. I’m going to have to give some serious thought to my archetype.

 

MELTYRE
Your…archetype?

 

FINA
Oh Meltyre, surely you, a man of learning, are familiar with story archetypes.

 

MELTYRE
I studied magic, not literature.

 

FINA
(scornful)
Oh, literature, who cares about literature?

 

STERLING
Do you mean…heroes and villains and somesuch?

 

FINA
I mean, sure, yeah, if you want to get reductive.

 

VELUNE
Aren’t archetypes reductive by definition?

 

FINA
Friar, you are no fun at all.
(gentle, mysterious tune)
Stories are a small version of the large universe, a reflection of the real, to be read like a map—not to perfectly depict the ground on which you stand, but to show you where you’ve been, and where you’re going.

 

VELUNE
And where you are at present, I suppose?

 

FINA
Precisely. (tune ends) I, for example, am…the Lovable Scoundrel. (tada! chords)

 

BETTY
Psh.

 

FINA
So lovable. Extremely lovable.

 

BETTY
Scoundrel.

 

VELUNE
But you’re not so much a scoundrel anymore. Is that your concern?

 

FINA
I mean, I am working a job pro bono by choice for the first time in…ever. Yeah.

 

STERLING
I wouldn’t say you’ve lost all of your scoundrel tendencies.

 

FINA
Aww, you really mean it, Paladon’t?

 

STERLING
What I’d like to know is what you think our archetypes are.

 

FINA
Well, Betty’s easy, she’s The Muscle.

 

VELUNE
Oh come now.

 

FINA
What?

 

VELUNE
Just the muscle? Isn’t she more to us than that?

 

FINA
We’re not talking about her relationship status, are we?

 

VELUNE
And what do you think, Betty?

 

BETTY
It is what it is.

 

VELUNE
Really? You don’t find that limiting?

 

BETTY
I don’t really care.

 

STERLING
(false modesty)
Personally, I’ve always thought of myself a bit of a…knight in shining armor?

 

FINA
Ohohohohoho! Do you now!

 

STERLING
(offended)
Oh, so you don’t agree?

 

MELTYRE
I mean, not to be like this, but you literally have a mark on your shield that says you’re bad at being a paladin.

 

STERLING
You know full well I was given that because of a lie!

 

MELTYRE
No no, I know, I know, I’m just saying. Your shining armor isn’t exactly…shining.

 

STERLING
Perhaps I’m not perceived as a knight in shining armor, by the uninformed, but surely those of you who know me—

 

FINA
Nah, not even close.

 

VELUNE
Oh, come now, Fina.

 

STERLING
Thank you, Velune.

 

FINA
No no no, knights in shining armor are the hero of the story, the one who swoops in at the last minute to save the day.

 

STERLING
Well, I don’t mean to be arrogant, but I have—

 

FINA
Had your butt saved by us? Multiple times? Knights in shining armor save other people, they don’t get saved.

 

MELTYRE
Yeah, they don’t really work on teams.

 

STERLING
Well before I met you all, I didn’t either. I completed many missions in the name of St. Cuthbert all on my own.

 

FINA
Which is why Her Grace the Duchess could claim you fathered her child as you wandered through the land all by your lonesome. Which is why you’re in disgrace.

 

STERLING
Yes, but—

 

FINA
Which is why you met us! Full circle! Ha.

 

STERLING
My circumstances may have changed, but that doesn’t mean I’m a different person altogether.

 

VELUNE
Really? You don’t believe you’ve changed at all?

 

STERLING
Well no, of course I have.

 

VELUNE
Would you go back to the way you were? If you had a choice?

 

STERLING
I—
(long pause)
No. I wouldn’t.

 

VELUNE
See? That’s the problem with archetypes. They preclude the opportunity for growth. The moment you place yourself in a box is the moment you stop being able to move beyond it.

 

FINA
Some of us find comfort in the box, Friar. Some of us thought we were just…freaks. And then it turns out there’s a box. And we fit.

 

VELUNE
Really, you found that much comfort in being a lovable scoundrel?

 

FINA
Well I mean, there’s more than one kind of box, but why not? It’s nice to have some kind of an idea of who you are, even if it’s just for a little while.

 

MELTYRE
(muttering)
Yeah, must be nice.

 

FINA
Oh, Meltyre, we’ve been playing without you! Here, what archetype do you like for yourself, huh? What fits?

 

MELTYRE
I don’t know…Useless Sidekick, maybe?

 

BETTY
No.

 

FINA
Not even close, c’mon, kid.

 

MELTYRE
I don’t know, you asked me what fits!

 

VELUNE
Do you see what I mean, Fina?

 

FINA
Hmm, useless sidekick will not do. Let’s see, our wizard is a…

 

STERLING
Young Genius?

 

FINA
Oh, I like that!

 

MELTYRE
I’m not a genius.

 

STERLING
How many times do we have to tell you that you’re a good wizard before you believe us?

 

MELTYRE
Look, there’s a difference between ‘I’m a good wizard’ and ‘I’m a genius.’

 

FINA
Hey, I’m just telling you what I see. I’ve never met a mage as good as you.

 

MELTYRE
I wasn’t even the best wizard in my order.

 

FINA
Pff. What does academia know?

 

MELTYRE
Uh, everything? That’s why they’re academia?

 

STERLING
I’m willing to bet the other wizards in your order have not had so much practical experience.

 

FINA
Yeah, how many of them can say they’ve fought a lich?

 

STERLING
Charmed the captain of the king’s guard?

 

BETTY
Exploded a whole bunch of skeletons.

 

MELTYRE
Any of my classmates have the know-how to do that.

 

FINA
(scoffs)
Yeah, any of them, sure.

 

MELTYRE
They do.

 

STERLING
Are you being serious?

 

MELTYRE
Uh…yeah?

 

FINA
Woah. (pause) Wizards are kind of scary.

 

MELTYRE
You can insult someone so hard they die.

 

FINA
That’s fair. So we’re all scary. Terrifying forces of nature.

 

BETTY
(pleased)
Yeah.

 

FINA
Epic heroes that strike fear into the hearts of those who oppose us.

 

STERLING
Now that’s an archetype.

 

VELUNE
Don’t you think you’re taking this all—

 

FINA
Especially you.

 

VELUNE
What, me?

 

FINA
Yep. Terrifying.

 

VELUNE
I hardly strike fear into—

 

FINA
Necromancer.

 

VELUNE
(miffed)
If you please, I don’t want to talk about that.

 

FINA
I don’t see why not, honestly.

 

VELUNE
So I should go about advertising the worst parts of my character?

 

FINA
If those worst parts of your character make you an absolute badass, yeah!

 

VELUNE
Oh, come now, how can I serve my god and do good if my goal is to intimidate people? Why would I want that?

 

BETTY
So you can be scary.

 

VELUNE
I don’t want to be scary. What’s the use of being able to bring your friends back from the dead if you have no friends?

 

FINA
In a weird way, that’s sweet.

 

STERLING
Oh! For Velune’s archetype, I propose, “it’s the quiet ones you must watch out for.”

 

FINA
Mmm…it’s okay, but they’re a little verbose to be considered quiet.

 

VELUNE
That much is true, I suppose. Really, this game is quite silly. I’ve lived too long and done too much to believe that I’m only one thing.

 

In the background, the tavern door opens and closes heavily.

 

FINA
What about like, the Wizened Academic? You used to write a bunch of religious—

 

MELTYRE
(quietly, but panicked)
Oh my gods!

 

BETTY
What?

 

MELTYRE
Don’t look, but the guy who just walked through the door—(shuffling and chairs moving) I said don’t look!

 

FINA
(quietly)
Holy hydra, that’s a big boy!

 

STERLING
That’s…Betty, is that an orc?

 

BETTY
Yep.

 

STERLING
I’ve never seen a full-blooded orc before.

 

VELUNE
They don’t often come this far into…cities…is he coming toward us?

 

MELTYRE
(through clenched teeth)
You’re all staring at him! Of course he is!

 

FINA
Betty? You got any recommendations?

 

Footsteps coming closer as the next few lines are spoken.

 

BETTY
Don’t let him intimidate you.

 

MELTYRE
(weakly)
Too late for that!

 

BETTY
Just act natural.

 

MELTYRE
How?

 

FINA
Just shut up! Shush!

 

They fall silent as the footsteps approach, and then stop. There is a short awkward silence.

 

VELUNE
Can we help you, friend orc?

 

ORC
(deep-voiced and gritty; speaking Orcish)
Betty, Triguut Badrukka?

 

FINA
Uhhhh Betty? What’d he say?

 

MELTYRE
He asked if sh-she’s the chief of the Triguut.

 

STERLING
You speak Orcish?

 

MELTYRE
A little?

 

BETTY
I’m chief. Who are you?

 

Three sounds in quick succession: an axe half-drawn, and a chair scoot and a sword drawn all the way.

 

STERLING
Hand off the axe, if you please, sir.

 

ORC
(in English, with a Slavic accent)
Put your needle away, shiny little man.

 

STERLING
You will not draw an axe on my friend while I—

 

BETTY
Sterling. It’s fine.

 

STERLING
But—are you sure?

 

BETTY
I’m sure.

 

Short silence, and then sword sheathed. The orc looses a quiet growl, and the axe is drawn the rest of the way.

 

ORC
Diz urdih keet, zedigah battan raduug.

 

MELTYRE
He offers his axe to her…uh, I don’t know that word. Why?

 

BETTY
To show me that he’s here to talk, not fight. Keep it, okay? Tell me your name.

 

GROMADAK
(sheathes axe)
Gromadak, tep Zedarg.

 

BETTY
What do you want, Gromadak?

 

GROMADAK
Klebrih takhatin guriz ta, riza battan Badrukka tep Triguut.

 

MELTYRE
He’s claiming…something something…on her honor as the chief…

 

BETTY
Speak Common.

 

GROMADAK
(derisive)
Mm. So it’s true then. the half-orc chief doesn’t know her people, but fraternizes with weaklings—

 

BETTY
(sharply)
Travih kat Badrukka!

 

STERLING
(muttering)
Meltyre, what did that mean?

 

MELTYRE
I…I don’t know.

 

BETTY
Daz barzu akti.

 

FINA
How about that?

 

MELTYRE
Uh, “you came to me.”

 

BETTY
You will speak Common so my friends can understand.

 

GROMADAK
(grumbles)
As the chief wants.
(composes himself)
I claim the rite of substitution, upon your honor as chief of the Triguut.

 

BETTY
The Zedarg have no chief?

 

GROMADAK
We are between chiefs. The contests are not over.

 

BETTY
But there are candidates?

 

GROMADAK
Many.

 

BETTY
Then why do you need a substitute?

 

GROMADAK
Our scouts have found a large party of kobolds moving toward our camp. If we do not defend ourselves, we will be overtaken and scattered.

 

BETTY
I see.

 

MELTYRE
Wait. Hang on. I’m confused. You have plenty of people who could be chief, but you want Betty? Why?

 

BETTY
The contests aren’t over.

 

FINA
So, choosing a new chief is a pretty long process. It’s like…part wrestling match, part election, part…rap battle. And sort of a festival, too.

 

VELUNE
How interesting.

 

STERLING
You can’t put the festivities on hold for a while so you can fight the kobolds?

 

GROMADAK
Stupid shiny worm, you know nothing!

 

FINA
No, Sterling, you really can’t.

 

VELUNE
I see, so you need a leader who has authority, without showing favoritism toward any of the candidates.

 

GROMADAK
The old one’s not so stupid.

 

VELUNE
Ah, thank you. (quietly) I think.

 

MELTYRE
Betty, are you…are you gonna do it?

 

BETTY
Yep.

 

STERLING
As easily as that? You’ll be marching off to lead someone else’s clan?

 

BETTY
It’s my duty as chief.
(chair scoot)
I’ll go with you if I can claim my right as well.

 

GROMADAK
We need no help! The shiny one is stupid, the old one is withered, and what will this tiny child do?

 

MELTYRE
Is he talking about you or me?

 

FINA
You, I hope.

 

MELTYRE
Hey.

 

BETTY
It is my right to bring my fighters. (beat) If they’ll come.

 

FINA
Pff, fight some kobolds? Easy.

 

VELUNE
They’re no worse than anything we’ve faced before.

 

STERLING
We’re already on a quest for the Princess. Is it right to take time from it for personal matters?

 

FINA
Dame Avaline has been lost for years. Another couple of days probably won’t hurt anything.

 

MELTYRE
A-and we can’t go without Betty anyway.

 

STERLING
That is true.

 

BETTY
Then you’ll come?

 

STERLING
I suppose so, yes.

 

MELTYRE
Yeah.

 

VELUNE
I’d be glad to.

 

FINA
You know me, sweetheart, I’m always up for kicking ass with you.

 

BETTY
Good.
(quietly, after a beat)
Thanks.
(normal volume)
Gromadak of the Zedarg, I will fulfill my duty to your clan.

 

GROMADAK
Then let’s go.

 

MELTYRE
(chair scoot)
What, now?

 

BETTY
Yes. Now.

 

VELUNE
Then let’s away.

 

Chair scoots, shuffling.

 

FINA
Oh my gods! Betty!

 

BETTY
What?

 

FINA
You’re not the Muscle! You’re the Chosen One!

 

VELUNE
Not this again.

 

STERLING
Oh, you’re right!

 

BETTY
Yeah. I like that.

 

Theme song.

 

TESSA
Next time, on Inn Between…

 

GROMADAK
Respect is earned.

 

BETTY
You haven’t earned mine yet.

 

FINA
Sorry to interrupt, but there are scads of kobolds coming up that hill.

 

BETTY
I’m leading. Will you follow?

 

Credits:

Episode 2.5, “The Archetype,” was written and directed by Hannah Wright, with assistant director William Wright. The show is produced and edited by Katherine Ayers. Recording assistance by Brendon Bennet.

The voice of Sterling is Marquis Dijon Archuleta; the voice of Betty is Kaleigh Christopher; the voice of Fina is Riley Jones; the voice of Velune is Kira Mills; and the voice of Meltyre is Austin Mowat.

This episode featured the voice of special guest Vladimir “Vladibear” Gabatel as Gromadak. Check him out on twitter at Vladibear_94.

Fina’s guitar is played by Eli Isbell, and our theme song is by Eli McIlveen.

Transcripts for this and every episode can be found on our website, thegoblinshead.com. Find and follow us on twitter, @inn_between_, or support us on patreon, at patreon.com/thegoblinshead.

If you like our show, create your Goblin’s Head persona OC, or leave us a review on Apple Podcasts. Or both; they’re not mutually exclusive. Thanks for listening!

 

Tavern sounds.

 

TESSA
Listen, we have a very clear policy about cursed objects inside the inn, especially the kind that warp reality.
(pause)
I don’t care if it’s permanently attached! I’d like my gravity to stay consistent! Go see a witch or something.

End.

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