Transcript below the cut!
Jack
(mumbled) Okay…
(full volume, gruffly) Ah! good ale, this. Mm. Mmm!
(grunty roar sound)
Rah. Roar. Mrah!
(Wookie-like roar)
It’s like—it’s like a wookie sound—
(convincing wookie sound)
(laughs)
Start song, “Orcs Want the Funk” by Natalee. A jazz beat begins with a funky bass riff, followed by French horns and the occasional flute. The melody is fantasy, but in a funk way.
Amanda
Ohh, I think this is the best fight yet.
Lee
Nothing like a good beer after a good fight. Haha!
Drew
The best part was where you tore off his arm.
Jack
Oh, did you see the shield that guy was carrying? Hmm, good thing I got that. That was cool.
Mads
I like how the blood splattered on your face. It’s a good look.
Lee
The way you threw that axe? Oh, they should have sent a poet.
Jarred
Loved that backhanded swing you had there. Saw you’ve been working on the technique.
Strider
They say there are fouler things in the world than me, but I’ve never met them!
Mads
That was a great first beheading. You had to take two whacks, but that’s okay. You’ll get better.
Lee
I love you, Partek. I have always loved you. I don’t know what I would have done if I’d lost you, Partek.
Pause.
Chris
These are surprisingly good chicken wings. I like these chicken wings.
Jarred
You think maybe sawdust is the next big thing?
Max
Globthar has no need for tiny little toothpicks.
Chris
Rizzak. Rizzak! You know you’ve still got an arrow in your shoulder blade. (pause) You might want to get that seen to.
Amanda
Oo, I love fights! They’re my favorite.
Max
I liked it when you took his little horns and used them as though you were riding him like a horse as you tore off his head. (laughs, sighs appreciatively)
Jarred
Where did you get this sofa upholstered? It feels like dragon’s hide. So voluptuous.
Lee
The architecture of this inn reminds me of Torpak the Cleaver’s Gothic phase.
Jarred
Our weapons may be thirsty for blood, but it sure isn’t easy cleaning them. I’m thinking of starting a business creating bibs for blades.
Strider
He wouldn’t stop poking me. So I broke his finger off! (laughs)
Jarred
You want to arm wrestle? Which arm do you want to wrestle with? My left, my right, or this kobold’s that I took from the battlefield?
Chris
Can I get some more chicken wings over here? Please.
Chris
More beer!
Jarred
More grog. More grog! Okay, that’s enough grog, put your shirt back on.
Hannah
Thanks again to each one of our orcs. Links to all of their projects can be found in the description, but if you only want to use your ears for this one—
Drew Gover is the author of the newsletter The Podcast Dragon, and a player on the upcoming actual play Assigned Fantasy At Birth.
Lee Davis-Thalbourne is half of Passer Vulpes Productions, producer and voice of Kane on Love & Luck, and he plays another orc on the urban fantasy audio drama Interference.
Check out Chris Magilton’s fantastic sci-fi audio drama Among the Stars and Bones, and hear his voice on Copperheart and Kalila Stormfire’s Economical Magick Services.
Max Kreisky is a cohost of the nonfiction history show Anachronismo, and keep an eye out for his upcoming audio drama True Tales of the Illuminati.
And speaking of upcoming shows, Mads Upton is one of the writers for Pastamancy. You can hear them doing voicework for Quirky Voices Productions and some episodes for International Podcast Month, which is coming in September.
Jack Pevyhouse is the mastermind behind the podcast miniseries Forest Guide. Be sure to check out the other shows he’s involved in too, from Crossroads Stations: Jim Robbie and the Wanderers, Otherverse, and Misadventure by Death.
Amanda McColgan is the creator of the audio drama Take the Mass Pike, and one of the curators of the Directory of Independant Audio Drama, and social media director of the PodTales Audio Fiction Festival, coming to Cambridge, Massachusetts on October 20, 2019.
Strider Leigh is the creator of the podcast Mythos. It’s a show about elves and magic in space, and frankly if that’s not enough for you, we can’t be friends.
And finally, Jarred Worley, A.K.A. Charleston Pepsijacket the Orc, can be found lending his voice to the shows Copperheart and Meteor City.
Our music is “Orcs Want the Funk” by artist and composer Natalee. That’s N A T A L double E. You can find her as itsnatunusual on Twitter and its_nat_unusual Instagram.
Thank you for listening!
The song fades out without ending.
Jarred
Is this really all we can afford? The blood of our enemies used to go a lot further in the old days.
End transcript.
Transcribed by otter.ai