Our heroes attempt to solve a math problem.
Transcript is below the cut!
TESSA
Previously, on Inn Between…
Theme song begins. Poof and sparkle magic sound, and Meltyre yelps. A thud.
FINA
Kid!
VELUNE
He’s all right, just asleep.
SPHINX
(calm, warm voice with a slight New Jersey accent)
If you wish to go further, adventurers, you must answer my riddle.
FINA
Yes, I love riddles, lay it on me, Madam Sphinx.
SPHINX
If nine billion stone of lye are dropped in a lake of one cubic mile, how much lye is in a cubic yard of lake water?
FINA
…No. What? No!
Theme song. Tavern sounds. Footsteps approach a table they begin talking.
FINA
This is an outrage.
BETTY
But you like riddles.
As Fina speaks, chairs scoot and cutlery moves.
FINA
I love riddles. This isn’t a riddle. This is…(gag) math!
VELUNE
It certainly wasn’t what I expected. Oh, be careful of Meltyre’s head, Betty.
BETTY
Got it. (chair scoot)
STERLING
I don’t understand why we’ve come back here instead of attempting to solve it there.
VELUNE
If we give the sphinx the wrong answer, she will attack us.
FINA
And sphinxes are nasty. They don’t look like much, but they pack a punch.
STERLING
Why are you so certain we’ll get the wrong answer?
FINA
Because Meltyre’s asleep.
STERLING
I should think we can manage to solve one problem without Meltyre.
FINA
Well we wouldn’t have to, if the sphinx hadn’t decided to go all…arithmatical!
VELUNE
Fina.
FINA
What’s the world coming to? Is a classic riddle out of style? Was there some kind of sphinx legislation passed that I didn’t hear about?
VELUNE
(wearily)
Fina, calm down.
FINA
You can’t just spring a low class brain teaser on a highly trained genre-privy bard! It’s against tradition! Totally tone-deaf to the storyline we’re working on right now! It’s…it’s rude.
Pause.
VELUNE
Are you quite finished?
FINA
(sighs) Yeah.
STERLING
You’re not even going to try?
FINA
Look, I don’t math, Sterling. Well known fact. Neither does Betty.
BETTY
I don’t math in Common.
FINA
Right, whatever that means.
STERLING
You may not, but I’m a fair hand at arithmetic. And I’m sure you’re not hopeless.
FINA
Your confidence in me is sweet, but entirely misplaced.
STERLING
What about you, Velune?
VELUNE
(reluctantly)
Uhh…Mathematics has never been my strong suit, exactly? I’m much more interested in theology.
FINA
Let’s be real, here, Sterling, you’re not exactly a math genius. I’ve seen you try to add up money.
STERLING
Well—well…not in my head, perhaps, but on paper I am perfectly competent.
FINA
Aren’t we all.
STERLING
I still think we could solve this before Meltyre wakes up.
FINA
Why should we? He’ll do a better job than any of us.
VELUNE
So you’re admitting defeat?
FINA
…What?
VELUNE
We’ve found a riddle that’s foiled Fina Butterbuns at last?
Pause.
FINA
I see what you’re doing.
VELUNE
Whatever do you mean?
FINA
You’re trying to manipulate me into trying.
VELUNE
(with mock offense)
Me? I would never.
FINA
Well it’s not going to work. I refuse.
VELUNE
That is your prerogative.
Long pause.
FINA
(angry shuffling)
Fine, I have some paper! Who needs a quill? Anybody? Everybody?
Paper passed out, shuffling as the next three lines are spoken.
VELUNE
Why don’t we all attempt to solve it? We can compare answers.
STERLING
Working together, yes! An excellent idea.
FINA
Yeah, fine, why not.
BETTY
(a shade past annoyed)
Ugh.
STERLING
Just do your best, Betty. How many feet in a mile?
VELUNE
Five thousand, two hundred, and eighty. And fourteen pounds in one stone, I believe.
FINA
Who invented this measuring system?
STERLING
I’m trying to concentrate.
Scratching of quills/pencils on parchment for a little bit, which continues over the next line.
FINA
Wow, this is some riveting storytelling.
STERLING
What are you talking about?
FINA
Just keep working.
Scratching of quills/pencils begins to trail off.
VELUNE
(satisfied huff)
I believe I have an answer.
STERLING
Go on, then.
VELUNE
Sixty-nine pounds?
STERLING
How? I do not have the same answer.
VELUNE
What’s yours?
STERLING
Seven and seven tenths pounds.
VELUNE
That…makes no sense.
FINA
How are you guys getting that?
STERLING
What did you get?
FINA
Like…thirty-seven million stone?
VELUNE
(utter disbelief)
…How?
FINA
I told you I don’t math!
STERLING
I’m sorry I doubted you.
VELUNE
Perhaps Betty’s answer can corroborate one of ours.
BETTY
No.
STERLING
Now, no need to be shy. At the very least you may be able to help.
Pause.
BETTY
(begrudgingly)
…Eleventeen pounds.
FINA
…Okay, sweetheart, even I know that’s wrong.
Ripping and crumpling paper noises.
BETTY
(angrily)
Your numbers are stupid!
FINA
Great, well that little experiment was useless. Thanks, Sterling.
STERLING
But surely one of us has the right answer.
VELUNE
Which one? Are you willing to show your work to the sphinx?
STERLING
Certainly.
FINA
Really.
Pause.
STERLING
Well…maybe I could revise it.
FINA
Yeah, uh-huh. Didn’t you have tutors and stuff?
STERLING
I did, yes. The very finest. (pause) Doesn’t mean I was particularly good at academic pursuits.
FINA
Too much of a jock, right?
STERLING
(somewhat suspiciously)
I don’t know what that means.
FINA
You’re more the sporty type.
STERLING
I can’t pretend as though I didn’t enjoy sport more than my education, but I quite liked history.
FINA
Yeah, I see that.
STERLING
And drawing, I used to be rather good at that.
FINA
Drawing what?
STERLING
Oh, just about anything. (scratching of a quill) I’m not sure I’m exactly suited for the life of an artist, but I can…doodle. (scratching stops)
VELUNE
Ah! Look, it’s the sphinx!
FINA
Okay. That’s…that’s pretty good.
STERLING
It’s nothing special.
FINA
It’s a little special. I don’t have any hidden talents like that.
VELUNE
No? Nothing from your education?
FINA
I didn’t really have an education. Everything I know, I pretty much had to learn myself, you know? Unless you count an encyclopedic knowledge of sheep diseases.
VELUNE
Sheep diseases? Really?
FINA
Well, yeah, my dad couldn’t read. Anything he knew was memorized, and he taught me everything.
VELUNE
He seems to have passed that on to you.
FINA
What do you mean?
VELUNE
Would you say that your knowledge of stories is as encyclopedic as your knowledge of sheep diseases?
FINA
(laughs)
Gods, I hope so.
BETTY
You’re an expert.
FINA
You’ve got that right.
VELUNE
And you have all those stories memorized, correct?
FINA
Well yeah, obviously. What kind of bard would I be if I didn’t?
VELUNE
Perhaps you’re right, but your repertoire is much larger than any bard I’ve ever met.
STERLING
Now that’s true. Your memory is outstanding.
FINA
I mean, anything worth knowing is worth remembering, right?
VELUNE
Not a common sentiment.
FINA
Really? Wow. (pause) I kind of like that, actually. Fina Butterbuns knows more stories than anyone alive! (tada chord)
VELUNE
I wouldn’t be surprised.
FINA
All right, Friar, your turn. Hidden talent.
VELUNE
Oh, I’m sure I’ve picked up a few things in my many, many years.
STERLING
Like necromancy?
VELUNE
(distastefully)
Well, yes, but I’d rather not talk about that.
FINA
Oo, do you know other taboo evil magics?
VELUNE
(through gritted teeth)
I said I would rather not talk about it.
FINA
Boo, boring. What about non-magic, then?
VELUNE
I…I can turn my eyelids inside out.
FINA
(delighted)
What?!
BETTY
Do it.
STERLING
No! That’s disgusting.
FINA
Do it, Friar.
STERLING
This is childish.
VELUNE
All right…
Unfortunate meaty click.
VELUNE
Behold!
STERLING
Eugh!
Betty laughs and Fina claps.
FINA
Bravo, you weird old person.
VELUNE
Thank you, thank you.
Meltyre stirs.
MELTYRE
Hm? What…
FINA
Oh thank the gods.
VELUNE
Meltyre?
Meltyre yelps.
VELUNE
Oh, I do beg your pardon.
FINA
Meltyre, quick, we need you to do some math!
MELTYRE
(freaked out)
Ah, wha-what is going on?
STERLING
Oh, now you’ve scared him.
MELTYRE
(whispering)
Is this a nightmare?
BETTY
Ssh. Breathe.
FINA
You have nightmares like this?
MELTYRE
Yeah. School nightmares. What is—
(takes a breath)
What happened? When did we get back to the Goblin’s Head?
FINA
You got hit by some sleepy pollen, and then we met a sphinx who gave us a math riddle.
MELTYRE
A…a math riddle?
VELUNE
I’m afraid so.
MELTYRE
Why would a sphinx give us a-a math riddle, that’s—
FINA
Ridiculous? I know.
MELTYRE
Why are Velune’s eyelids inside out?
VELUNE
Oh, I’ll just fix that, shall I?
FINA
Unrelated.
MELTYRE
So you…came back here without solving the riddle? Because I was asleep?
STERLING
Certainly not. We all attempted to solve the riddle.
MELTYRE
Uh…attempted?
FINA
Yeah.
(with mock cheeriness)
Good morning, Meltyre, would you like to check our work?
MELTYRE
(spends a second sputtering)
I guess?
FINA
Great.
(shuffling, papers moving)
So the sphinx asked, if nine billion stone of lye are dropped in a lake of one cubic mile, how much lye is in a cubic yard of lake water?
Brief pause.
MELTYRE
Did you end up with four different answers?
VELUNE
It’s a very difficult riddle.
STERLING
Who’s correct, Meltyre?
MELTYRE
Uhh…(pause) I’d have to take more time to do the actual calculations, but if we’re talking about just setup, then technically…Betty.
STERLING
What?
VELUNE
You don’t say.
MELTYRE
You converted all these values to orcish numerals, right?
BETTY
Yeah.
FINA
Wait a second, wait a second! Betty! You can’t math!
BETTY
I can’t math in Common.
MELTYRE
Orcs use a base twelve counting system.
FINA
What does that even mean?
MELTYRE
Uhh…you know how you count on your fingers? Like, to ten? And start over? Orcs count to twelve.
Silence.
STERLING
Do orcs…have…twelve fingers?
BETTY
No.
FINA
I mean, Betty doesn’t ‘cuz she’s a half-orc.
BETTY
Orcs don’t have twelve fingers!
FINA
Then why?
BETTY
You can split it in half, thirds, fourths, and sixths.
MELTYRE
It is a more practical mathematical system, really.
BETTY
Plus, ten fingers, two tusks.
Fina, Sterling, Velune say ohhh.
BETTY
I’m not stupid.
FINA
No, sweetheart, nobody ever said you were.
Silence.
FINA
Okay, maybe some things were implied here, and—
STERLING
I think I ought to apologize, Betty. I made an assumption colored by bias, and I’m sorry.
FINA
Yeah. Um. I’m sorry too.
MELTYRE
Who drew this picture of the sphinx? It’s really good.
STERLING
Oh, that was me.
MELTYRE
Really? You can draw?
STERLING
A fair bit. Here…
Scratching on parchment, which continues until Meltyre’s next line.
FINA
Betty, uh…are we cool?.
BETTY
Yeah. We’re cool.
FINA
Okay, good.
BETTY
And I can math better than you.
FINA
You say that like it’s some kind of accomplishment.
Scratching on parchment stops.
MELTYRE
Oh! Velune, it’s you!
VELUNE
So it is!
STERLING
It’s not a perfect likeness. If I had more time—
VELUNE
Nonsense! I quite like it.
FINA
Oo, do me next!
Scratching pen on parchment.
MELTYRE
Shouldn’t we get back to the sphinx?
FINA
Eh, she can wait. Hey—why is my guitar so cartoonishly large?
STERLING
That’s…that’s how you look.
FINA
Are you serious?
Fading into theme song…
BETTY
Do Meltyre.
STERLING
All right…
Theme song.
TESSA
Next time, on Inn Between…
FINA
The deeper we go into the woods, the weirder these little towns get.
VELUNE
The next town is called Cutthroat.
STERLING
Sounds…promising.
MELTYRE
Sounds dangerous.
Credits:
Episode 2.9, “The Math,” was written and directed by Hannah Wright, with assistant director William Wright. The show is produced and edited by Katherine Ayers.
The voice of Sterling is Marquis Dijon Archuleta; the voice of Betty is Kaleigh Christopher; the voice of Fina is Riley Jones; the voice of Velune is Kira Mills; and the voice of Meltyre is Austin Mowat.
This episode featured the voice of special guest Maria Micklasavage as the sphinx. Check out her work at MariaMicklasavageVoiceover.com. That’s M I C K L A S A V A G E.
Fina’s guitar is played by Eli Isbell, and our theme song is by Eli McIlveen.
Transcripts for this and every episode can be found on our website, thegoblinshead.com. Find and follow us on twitter, @inn_between_, or support us on patreon, at patreon.com/thegoblinshead.
If you like our show, do a needlessly complicated math problem in our honor, or leave us a review on Apple Podcasts. Thanks for listening!
End credits. End theme song. Tavern sounds.
TESSA
Oh, many many things have happened to these floorboards. Acid, fire, water damage, swarms of angry termites…waking up and crawling away, though, that’s a new one. I don’t suppose you can reverse that?
(pause)
Yes, I didn’t think so.