Skip to content

2.11: The Swap

Our heroes get a little…mixed up.

Transcript is below the cut!

Transcription note: this episode contains a body swap. When a character is delivering lines in a swapped body, it will be denoted with the character’s name in capitals and the body in which they are currently residing in parentheses. For example: MELTYRE (through Fina) refers to the fact that Meltyre is speaking using Fina’s voice and body.

 

HANNAH

Hello everyone, Hannah here. Thanks for listening to Inn Between. Just a couple quick notes before we start—thank you for being patient with our little break. PodTales was so good, and we really appreciated the extra time before this episode, which is kind of a doozy.

Speaking of, a quick trigger warning. Although this episode does not contain characters experiencing body dysphoria, it does contain a situation that might trigger dysphoria in some listeners. If you think this might be a problem for you, I recommend checking out the transcript, which, like all of our transcripts, can be found at thegoblinshead.com/listen. This is episode 2.11. Please take care of yourselves.

And now with no further ado…let’s go to the inn.

 

Brief pause.

 

TESSA
Previously, on Inn Between…

 

Theme song begins.

 

MELTYRE
So what’s the deal with the Grove of Babel?

 

RIDDLE GOBLIN
(a strange nasally voice)
Alas, your way I must delay,
Unless the tribute you can pay!

 

FINA
Get out of here, freak, we’re not paying any tribute.

 

RIDDLE GOBLIN
Poorly you have chosen, hick,
For now it’s time to play a trick!

 

FINA
Hey who are you calling a—

 

A sound like an accordion being strangled, and everyone screams.

 

[Transcription note: this episode contains a body swap. When a character is delivering lines in a swapped body, it will be denoted with the character’s name in capitals and the body in which they are currently residing in parentheses. For example: MELTYRE (through Fina) refers to the fact that Meltyre is speaking using Fina’s voice and body.]

 

STERLING
(through VELUNE)
What happened just now, where—who—

 

MELTYRE
(through Fina)
(panicked)
Uhh—

 

FINA
(through Sterling)
Oh, great!

 

Theme song plays out and ends. Tavern sounds.

A heavy door opens and the gang walks inside, shuffling, stumbling, sloppy.

 

FINA
(through STERLING)
All right, all right, let’s get this over with.

 

STERLING
(through VELUNE, out of breath)
Can’t we slow down just a bit?

 

FINA
(through STERLING)
No can do, Friar, I don’t want to spend any more time in here than I have to.

 

STERLING
(through VELUNE)
I’m not Velune, I’m Sterling.

 

Footsteps end.

 

FINA
(through Sterling)
What? Then where’s Velune?

 

VELUNE
(through BETTY)
Er…here, I’m afraid.

 

FINA
(through Sterling)
And Betty?

 

BETTY
(through Meltyre, voice cracking)
Here.
(clears throat; voice cracks again)
Here.
(frustrated)
Ugh, Meltyre, what’s wrong with your voice?

 

MELTYRE
(through Fina, voice cracking)
There’s nothing wrong with my voice.

 

FINA
(through Sterling)
Oh my gods, it’s endemic. Easy on the pipes, Meltyre.

 

STERLING
(through Velune)
Please, I need to sit down. (various chair scoots) Cuthbert’s name, Friar, do your knees hurt like this all the time?

 

VELUNE
(through Betty)
One tends to ignore it after a while. I say, is anyone else hungry? I’m quite starved.

 

STERLING
(through Velune)
How can you eat at a time like this?

 

VELUNE
(through Betty)
Now, now, no need to panic.

 

STERLING
(through Velune)
I’m too tired to panic. I just think now’s not really an appropriate time to dwell on our stomachs.

 

MELTYRE
(through Fina)
I’m hungry too, actually.

 

FINA
(through Sterling)
Yeah that tracks, it’s about time for elevensies. You hungry, sweetheart?

 

MELTYRE
(through Fina)
(disturbed)
Ugh, that’s so weird coming out of Sterling’s mouth.

 

BETTY
(through Meltyre)
I’m not hungry, I’m…Meltyre, what’s wrong with your stomach?

 

MELTYRE
(through Fina)
Nothing! W-what are you talking about?

 

BETTY
(through Meltyre)
All fluttery and jumpy.

 

MELTYRE
(through Fina)
Oh, no that’s normal.

 

BETTY
(through Meltyre)
(horrified disbelief)
What?

 

FINA
(through Sterling)
Can we focus? Just a little? Meltyre, what do we…what do we even do about this?

 

MELTYRE
(through Fina)
I mean…honestly, I’m not sure there’s a lot to be done. This kind of curse is fairly complicated, but I don’t think it’ll last long.

 

VELUNE
(through Betty)
So it will just…undo itself?

 

MELTYRE
(through Fina)
I think so. I’ve read about something like this before. It was more like a practical joke than a real, permanent curse.

 

STERLING
(through Velune)
I can’t say I find it very funny.

 

FINA
(through Sterling)
I…oh no.

 

BETTY
(through Meltyre)
What?

 

FINA
(through Sterling)
Neither did I. Why didn’t I realize how funny this is?

 

VELUNE
(through Betty)
Didn’t you?

 

FINA
(through Sterling)
No, I…jeez, Sterling, your brain is just on, all the time, isn’t it?

 

STERLING
(through Velune)
I don’t know what you’re talking about.

 

FINA
(through Sterling)
I’ve never been so focused in my whole life. I could…I bet I could finish that song I’ve been writing.

 

MELTYRE
(through Fina)
You want your guitar? (twang)

 

FINA
(through Sterling)
Yeah, yeah, thanks. (plays a few practice chords) Huh.

 

MELTYRE
(through Fina)
What?

 

FINA
(through Sterling)
This is weird.
(playing, clumsier than usual)
Sterling, your hands are like…stupid.

 

STERLING
(through Velune)
Excuse me?

 

FINA
(through Sterling)
Thick fingers. Like trying to play with a set of sausage links. (pause) Yeah, that sucks. Hey, can you play it, Meltyre?

 

MELTYRE
(through Fina)
Me?

 

FINA
(through Sterling)
Yeah, muscle memory is a thing, right? (guitar being handled)

 

MELTYRE
(through Fina)
I don’t think that’s how it works.

 

FINA
(through Sterling)
Go on, give it a try.

 

MELTYRE
(through Fina)
Okay…
(two clumsy bad chords)
Yeah, no, I just don’t have the training. Which…actually brings up an interesting question. Hey Betty, can you do magic?

 

BETTY
(through Meltyre)
No.

 

MELTYRE
(through Fina)
Right, but I can do magic. And you’re kind of…residing in the wizard, at the moment.

 

BETTY
(through Meltyre)
Oh. (pause) How do you cast spells?

 

MELTYRE
(through Fina)
Oh, jeez, I don’t know. I just kind of…imagine that the world is different, and it happens.

 

VELUNE
(through Betty)
How is it you began to cast spells, when you were first learning magic?

 

MELTYRE
(through Fina)
I don’t remember the first time I cast a spell. I’ve been able to do magic since I was really little.

 

FINA
(through Sterling)
Check out boy genius over here. Are you sure you’re not a sorcerer?

 

MELTYRE
(through Fina)
(annoyed)
I’m a wizard.

 

STERLING
(through Velune)
But magic needs a focus, does it not?

 

MELTYRE
(through Fina)
Yeah, but anything works for a focus.

 

VELUNE
(through Betty)
That’s not been my experience at all.

 

MELTYRE
(through Fina)
What, really?

 

VELUNE
(through Betty)
Certainly not. Only holy objects blessed by a priest of my order allow me to use magic. And for you, Meltyre, I imagine you’d need a powerful magic wand or staff.

 

MELTYRE
(through Fina)
I mean, most wizards have those, but I could never afford anything like that. I just attune whatever I can find, and it works for me.

 

FINA
(through Sterling)
Seriously, kid? That’s not normal.

 

In the background, a strange metallic hum growing louder.

 

MELTYRE
(through Fina)
It isn’t?

 

The hum ends in an alarming wooden crack; the table splits in half.

 

MELTYRE
(through Fina)
Woah!

 

STERLING
(through Velune)
What in Cuthbert’s name?

 

BETTY
(through Meltyre)
(with a low, giddy giggle)
I did magic.

 

FINA
(through Sterling)
That was awesome.

 

STERLING
(through Velune)
You broke the table!

 

FINA
(through Sterling)
And it was awesome!

 

TESSA
(from far off)
What in blazes…
(footsteps; normal volume)
What is going on over here?

 

VELUNE
(through Betty)
Our deepest apologies, Miss Tessa, I believe this was an accident.

 

TESSA
I…was it, Betty?

 

VELUNE
(through Betty)
Oh, right.

 

TESSA
I don’t see how. Frankly, young man, I am surprised at you.

 

Betty giggles again.

 

TESSA
I’m sorry, do you find this funny?

 

MELTYRE
(through Fina)
No, no, I-I didn’t do it! She didn’t know, she’s not used to magic.

 

FINA
(through Sterling)
And you have to admit, Miss Tessa, it was so cool.

 

STERLING
(through Velune)
It was destruction of property, Fina! (to Tessa) Please, allow me to pay for the damage.

 

FINA
(through Sterling, amused)
Uh, with what, Paladon’t?
(coins jingling)
I have your purse.

 

STERLING
(through Velune)
(affronted)
You know full well that belongs to me.

 

VELUNE
(through Betty)
Please, my friends, peace, this argument is silly.

 

TESSA
All right, all right, I…I think I see what’s happened here. So the person who actually split my table in half is Betty, is that right?

 

BETTY
(through Meltyre)
(excited)
Yeah!

 

TESSA
So it’ll be Betty who is paying for that table, right?

 

BETTY
(through Meltyre)
Oh. (pause) Yeah. Velune?

 

VELUNE
(through Betty)
Ah, yes. Your money is…

 

BETTY
(through Meltyre)
In my shirt.

 

Awkward pause.

 

VELUNE
(through Betty)
I don’t feel comfortable retrieving that.

 

BETTY
(through Meltyre)
Fair enough.

 

TESSA
You can pay me once this wears off, then.

 

STERLING
(through Velune)
Miss Tessa, you don’t happen to know a way to undo this curse, do you?

 

TESSA
I’m afraid it’s like a stomach bug, Fri—uh, Lord Whitetower. You must let it run its course. Sorry.

 

Footsteps walking away. Before they are over, Sterling speaks.

 

STERLING
(through Velune, sighs)
But I’m so tired. Friar, I had no idea you were this ill.

 

VELUNE
(through Betty)
I don’t know what you mean.

 

STERLING
(through Velune)
I feel just awful.

 

VELUNE
(through Betty)
I’m not ill, Sterling, I’m just old.

 

STERLING
(through Velune)
But the…the pain, and—you have hardly any endurance at all, really.

 

VELUNE
(through Betty)
That does tend to happen, when one is old.

 

STERLING
(through Velune)
But—you mean to tell me that you feel like this every day?

 

VELUNE
(through Betty)
I’d say that’s accurate.

 

STERLING
(through Velune)
But that means…that means I’ll feel like this someday.

 

VELUNE
(through Betty)
More than likely, yes.

 

STERLING
(through Velune)
(grasping at straws)
But I’m a half-elf, aren’t I? Not human, I’ll live longer.

 

VELUNE
(though Betty)
I’m also half elf. And half dwarf. I’ll probably end up having lived longer than you.

 

STERLING
(through Velune)
Oh gods. Oh my gods.

 

FINA
(through Sterling)
Glad to see we’ve reached the “confronting the slow and inevitable march of time” portion of the adventure.

 

VELUNE
(through Betty)
If it makes you feel better, Sterling, it’s all rather gradual. You don’t tend to notice overmuch.

 

FINA
(through Sterling)
Like the proverbial frog in the boiling pot?

 

VELUNE
(through Betty)
A rather unfortunate metaphor, but yes. Honestly, I had forgotten what it felt like to be so young and vital.

 

MELTYRE
(through Fina)
It’s weird how you can be old for so long.

 

STERLING
(through Velune)
(groans)

 

VELUNE
(through Betty)
(amused)
That is true. Although to be fair, I was never half as strong as Betty.

 

BETTY
(through Meltyre)
That’s right.

 

VELUNE
(through Betty)
I feel as though I could lift a boulder.

 

FINA
(through Sterling)
(chair scoot)
Oo! Oo! Lift me!

 

VELUNE
(through Betty)
What for?

 

FINA
(through Sterling)
She’s picked up the rest of us before, I’ve always wondered if she could manage Sterling in full armor.

 

BETTY
(through Meltyre)
I can. Um. They can.

 

VELUNE
(through Betty)
Is that all right with you, Sterling?

 

STERLING
(through Velune)
What does it matter?

 

VELUNE
(through Betty)
Right then.
(chair scoot, shuffle, rustle)
Look at that!

 

BETTY
(through Meltyre)
Told you.

 

FINA
(through Sterling)
Yeah this is strangely anticlimactic for me.

 

Wooden thud and a couple of chair scoots as Velune speaks.

 

VELUNE
(through Betty)
Really?

 

FINA
(through Sterling)
Yeah, one time Betty threw me over a fourteen-foot wall.

 

MELTYRE
(through Fina)
Wow, why?

 

FINA
(through Sterling)
We were on the run at the time.

 

BETTY
(through Meltyre)
You blew our cover.

 

FINA
(through Sterling)
How was I supposed to know the city guard was so touchy about their dress uniforms?

 

MELTYRE
(through Fina)
(laughs)
Oh my gods.

 

FINA
(through Sterling)
Say, Meltyre, you are being awfully quiet.

 

MELTYRE
(through Fina)
Uh…not much to say, I guess.

 

FINA
(through Sterling)
You’re not worried?

 

MELTYRE
(through Fina)
Huh. No! That’s weird.

 

VELUNE
(through Betty)
Well, this isn’t exactly a dire situation.

 

MELTYRE
(through Fina)
No, I-I should probably be worried. I’m just…not.

 

BETTY
(through Meltyre)
I am.

 

FINA
(through Sterling)
You said you’re always scared though.

 

BETTY
(through Meltyre)
I’m scared of things.This is…this is scared of nothing.

 

MELTYRE
(through Fina)
Is that not normal?

 

FINA
(through Sterling)
Do you feel it now?

 

MELTYRE
(through Fina)
I…guess I don’t. Huh.

 

BETTY
(through Meltyre)
Your brain thinks you’re in danger. All the time.

 

MELTYRE
(through Fina)
You know, this is kinda nice.

 

BETTY
(through Meltyre)
There aren’t even any threats. I’m safe. With friends!

 

MELTYRE
(through Fina)
Yep, it’s always there.

 

BETTY
(through Meltyre)
This is a waste of energy.

 

MELTYRE
(through Fina)
You’re telling me! It’s exhausting.

 

FINA
(through Sterling)
Then do enjoy your leisurely vacation in that smokin’ hot bod, there, magic man.

 

MELTYRE
(through Fina)
Again, that’s just…really weird from Sterling’s mouth.

 

FINA
(through Sterling)
Ha, I can make Sterling say anything I want.

 

STERLING
(through Velune)
Gods.

 

FINA
(through Sterling)
C’mon now, pretty boy, where’s your sense of fun?
(an exaggerated Sterling voice)
Ahem. Attention, everyone, I would like to say a few words: Ridonkulous. Effervescent. Blabbermouth.

 

STERLING
(through Velune)
I don’t find this funny at all.

 

FINA
(through Sterling)
Poopy buttface!

 

STERLING
(through Velune)
Enough of that, were you raised in a barn?

 

FINA
(through Sterling)
You don’t keep sheep in a barn, Sterling, that’s ridiculous.

 

MELTYRE
(through Fina)
Ridonkulous?

 

FINA
(through Sterling)
Ha, yes! Exactly! Stress-free Meltyre is funny!

 

VELUNE
(through Betty)
I’m sorry to interrupt but…did anyone else feel that?

 

BETTY
(through Meltyre)
Feel what?

 

VELUNE
(through Betty)
I’m…not altogether sure, something like a…tremor perhaps…There it is!

 

FINA
(through Sterling)
Oo, yeah, I felt that. What the—

 

MELTYRE
(through Fina)
Oh, I think this is the curse—

 

A similar accordion-strangling sound. Briefly everyone is screaming.

 

And we’re back to normal.

 

FINA
Ohhh my gods, are we back? We’re back? We’re back! Sweet tiny body.

 

BETTY
Mmm…much better.

 

STERLING
Oh, thank every god!

 

MELTYRE
Eugh…yeah this seems about right.

 

VELUNE
Hmm.

 

FINA
What’s up, Friar?

 

VELUNE
Regarding my knees, Sterling, I believe I see your point. Amazing what a little perspective can do.

 

BETTY
Guess I gotta pay for a table.

 

STERLING
Why do you keep your money in your shirt?

 

BETTY
So pickpockets can’t find it. Hey Meltyre?

 

MELTYRE
Yeah?

 

BETTY
Thanks for the magic.

 

MELTYRE
Oh, sure, uh. Happy for the loan, I guess. It was kinda nice to not be nervous for a bit.

 

STERLING
It was not nice to be dying.

 

VELUNE
(amused)
Watch yourself, young man, I’m not dying quite yet.

 

STERLING
What’s the point of a curse like this, anyway?

 

MELTYRE
It’s usually about empathy.

 

FINA
Empathy? Are we an after-school special now?

 

MELTYRE
Uh…what?

 

VELUNE
A curse to encourage empathy seems a little backward.

 

FINA
I mean, it worked, so.

 

VELUNE
Did it now?

 

FINA
Yeah, so now I know that Sterling…
(trails off)

 

STERLING
Sterling what?

 

FINA
Nothing, it’s stupid.

 

BETTY
What is it?

 

FINA
I don’t know, just a vibe I picked up on. Doesn’t necessarily mean anything.

 

STERLING
I don’t know what you’re talking about.

 

MELTYRE
What vibe?

 

FINA
I don’t know, like…Sterling, do you need a hug?

 

STERLING
(stunned)
…I—

 

FINA
See, it was nothing.

 

STERLING
No, I…I wouldn’t say need, exactly.

 

FINA
Oh, you do want a hug!

 

STERLING
(falling back into blustering)
It’s really not necessary, don’t trouble yourselves.

 

FINA
Betty, help me hug this man.

 

BETTY
Yep.
(shuffle shuffle)

 

STERLING
Uh—

 

VELUNE
May I join in?

 

FINA
Yes, group hug!

 

STERLING
(surprised at how okay with this he is)
All…all right.

 

FINA
Meltyre, get in here.

 

MELTYRE
Uh, sure, okay.

 

BETTY
This is nice.

 

STERLING
This is nice, isn’t it?

 

FINA
Yeah.
(pause)
Oh no, wait.

 

VELUNE
What’s wrong?

 

FINA
We are an after-school special!

 

MELTYRE
(fading out)
What does that even mean?

 

Theme song.

 

TESSA
Next time, on Inn Between…

 

STERLING
The map says we’re getting close to where Dame Avaline was last seen.

 

MELTYRE
I’m telling you, the farther we go in this forest, the weirder things get.

 

BETTY
Won’t be long ‘til the fey notice us.

 

FINA
If we keep our heads, we’re gonna be just fine. Trust me.

 

MYSTERIOUS FEY
(a soft rich voice)
Yes. Trust her.
(laughs)

 

Credits:

Episode 2.11, “The Swap,” was written and directed by Hannah Wright, with assistant director William Wright. The show is produced and edited by Katherine Ayers. Recording assistance by Brendon Bennet.

In this episode, the voice of Sterling and Fina was Marquis Dijon Archuleta; the voice of Betty and Velune was Kaleigh Christopher; the voice of Fina and Meltyre was Riley Jones; the voice of Velune and Sterling was Kira Mills; and the voice of Meltyre and Betty was Austin Mowat. The voice and magic of the Riddle Goblin were William Wright, with additional voices by Hannah Wright, Shade Oyemakinwa, and Maria Micklasavage.

Fina’s guitar is played by Eli Isbell, and our theme song is by Eli McIlveen.

Transcripts for this and every episode can be found on our website, thegoblinshead.com. Find and follow us on twitter, @inn_between_, or support us on patreon, at patreon.com/thegoblinshead.

If you like our show, trade souls with your best friends to prove your friendship, or leave us a review on Apple Podcasts. Thanks for listening!

 

Theme song ends. Tavern sounds.

 

RIDDLE GOBLIN
I’m pleased to meet a gorgeous sphinx
Who has agreed to meet for drinks.

 

SPHINX
Your rhymes are a nice touch. Do you do other wordplay as well, Mister Riddle Goblin?

 

TESSA
Well…I’ve seen stranger couples.

 

End.

Published inEpisodes