Our heroes cut a deal.
Transcript is below the cut!
HANNAH
Hello everyone, Hannah here. Thank you for listening to Inn Between. A quick heads up that this episode contains dehumanizing and abusive language. If you think this might be a problem for you, please check out our transcripts at thegoblinshead.com/listen. This is episode 2.14. Please take care of yourselves.
Let’s go to the inn.
Pause.
TESSA
Previously, on Inn Between…
Theme song.
PRINCESS MARIE
I need my aunt. I need Dame Avaline.
AVALINE
I swore to fight for my master, the queen of the fey, seeking neither safety nor rest, until such time as my brother sent for me.
ROBIN
You want Avaline? Then let’s bargain!
FINA
Whoever that is over there, they are not the queen of the fey.
Theme song ends. No tavern sounds. The heroes’ next few lines are hushed, like they’re trying not to be overheard.
STERLING
I’m sorry, what?
FINA
They’re not!
AVALINE
Impossible.
STERLING
Are you certain?
FINA
I—maybe? Look, I know I’m grasping for straws here, but this is a really promising straw.
STERLING
What if you’re wrong?
FINA
What if I’m right?
VELUNE
But the consequences, if you’re wrong…
FINA
This isn’t nothing, I’m sure of that.
MELTYRE
This is a really dangerous game you’re playing, Fina!
BETTY
We don’t know enough.
FINA
Okay, yeah, maybe, so—what do we do?
VELUNE
Dame Avaline, may I ask you how you met your master? Perhaps that would help us.
AVALINE
I don’t see how.
BETTY
Do you want to get out of here or not?
AVALINE
I…fine. (pause) My lieutenant and my aide-de-camp had just been killed. I don’t suppose you’ve come across that nasty swamp, with the soporific plants?
MELTYRE
Yeah, uh, right-right before the sphinx.
STERLING
(wryly)
We are familiar.
AVALINE
Right. (sighs) I was alone, and I knew it was only a matter of time before I had to do battle with the sorceress again. I…wandered, in a haze. Not sleeping, not eating, not stopping. And…I don’t know how, or when, but I realized she’d been walking beside me.
(pause)
I asked who she was, and she said she was called many things, but that she was ruler of these woods. I think I asked her for safe passage. I don’t remember exactly.
FINA
So she said she was ruler of the woods, not queen of the fey.
AVALINE
No, she…oh gods.
STERLING
What?
AVALINE
It was me. I assumed…my gods, she never once corrected me, I thought—
FINA
Yesss, now this is what I’m talking about! Okay, now I have a plan. Meltyre, could you summon the queen of the fey? The real one?
MELTYRE
No! Gods no! Not even kind of!
FINA
(mockingly)
“Not even kind of—”
(normal voice)
C’mon, kid, work with me here!
MELTYRE
Listen, you know what happens to wizards who try to summon things beyond their power to control? You find them smeared across the walls the next day!
FINA
We just need to get her attention.
MELTYRE
Yeah, that would get her attention all right!
VELUNE
We’ll be right here with you.
STERLING
No harm will come to you if I have anything to say about it.
MELTYRE
You just have no clue what you’re asking me to do here.
FINA
Trust me when I say that I do.
Long pause.
MELTYRE
All right. Okay, I’ll do it.
AVALINE
To what end, halfling? You yourself said that an in-person encounter with a fey was the last thing you needed.
FINA
Well if we’re gonna go out, we might as well do it with a bang, right?
VELUNE
I hope you know what you’re doing.
FINA
Almost never. Meltyre, do you see what I’m going for here?
MELTYRE
(scared, but determined)
Yeah. I…think so.
FINA
What do you need to summon the queen?
MELTYRE
A little time. And I’ll have to draw a circle on the floor, which…that’s gonna look suspicious.
FINA
So a distraction.
MELTYRE
It’s gotta be a good distraction, Fina.
FINA
We have not yet plumbed the depths of how obnoxious I can be. As soon as the imposter looks away, you get started. Sterling, I’m going to need you to be as pedantic as possible.
STERLING
I don’t see why—
FINA
Just roll with it. Velune, a befuddling remark in the right place would not go amiss.
VELUNE
I believe I can provide that.
FINA
Great. Betty? Block her line of sight to Meltyre.
BETTY
Got it.
AVALINE
What am I to do?
FINA
How are you at causing trouble?
AVALINE
A fair hand, if I set my mind to it. But what are we doing?
FINA
I promise you’ll catch on quick. Let’s start a fight. Oh, my queen?
FEY
Yes?
FINA
Listen, we really wish we could agree to your terms, but I’m afraid we’re at a bit of an impasse.
FEY
Oh, no, whatever is the matter?
FINA
See, I think I’m best suited to this job of yours, taking over Avaline’s oath. I’d be amazing at it.
FEY
How lovely! I don’t see the problem.
FINA
Well you see, my friends Sterling and Velune here think the same thing.
STERLING
Ah, yes, quite.
VELUNE
I’m afraid we simply can’t make up our minds on who’s to stay.
FEY
(unashamedly gleeful)
Oh really?
FINA
Listen, your majesty, I’m the obvious choice. I’m charming, I’m funny—if you’re looking for a jester, look no further than this badass bard.
FEY
You make some excellent points.
STERLING
(with exaggerated bravado)
Please. The goal of this mission is to survive in the Wood of Woe. You wouldn’t stand a chance out in the wild by yourself. Eventually you would run out of spells, and then what are you to do? Hit creatures with your guitar?
FINA
I can hold my own in the wilderness, Paladon’t.
STERLING
Oh? Haven’t you died once already?
FINA
Oh. Okay. I see how this is. Your majesty, you don’t want this guy. He’s in disgrace, and he barely knows any magic.
STERLING
Excuse me! I thought I had been progressing quite well.
FINA
Yeah, now you can do like three whole spells!
VELUNE
Please, my children, peace. If it’s a question of magical knowledge, then I should be the one to stay. My long years of study have given me a great breadth of magical capability.
FEY
Have they now?
VELUNE
I rather think you’d be impressed, my queen. I can summon celestials, perform miracles, raise the dead—
FINA
Die after like five years…
VELUNE
Oh, come now.
FINA
I’m telling you, your majesty, you choose Velune and you will not be getting your money’s worth.
STERLING
Then by that metric, I should be your choice, as the youngest of us three.
FINA
And the most boring. You really want another straightlaced fighty type? Pick me, your majesty, I’m the fun choice.
VELUNE
Oh no, your majesty, I am the best choice by far in terms of interest. You should consider me!
STERLING
Certainly not! Your majesty, I am most likely to survive and last and will thus be able to serve you the longest. I am the soundest investment. You ought to choose me.
FEY
(with sudden darkness of tone)
I ought? I should? And who are you, mortals, to tell me what to do?
FINA
Oh. (smacks lips) Oops.
STERLING
My deepest apologies, your majesty.
VELUNE
We are only eager to serve.
FEY
Oh, that I can see. All is forgiven, sweet mortals. You all make some compelling points.
AVALINE
(derisively)
Ha!
FEY
Oh? My dearest, do you not agree?
AVALINE
These people are soft. They would not last one year doing what I have done for fifteen. They don’t know the horrors of the wood, they’ve depended mostly on each other. What do they know of the isolation?
FEY
Have you been lonesome, my dear?
AVALINE
You know well I was glad to give up the company of friends for the sake of my brother, my queen. But these ne’er-do-wells could never withstand it.
FINA
Yeah? There are way scarier things than being alone, lady. We’ve seen them.
AVALINE
Not a man jack of you could take my place.
FINA
Oh, we’ll see about that. Pick me, your majesty, you’d never be bored again.
VELUNE
I urge you to consider me, your majesty, if you value variety.
STERLING
They would not last like I would, your majesty.
FEY
(amused)
My goodness. How am I to decide?
AVALINE
Perhaps they must prove their worth to you, my queen.
FEY
Oh, Avaline, what an excellent idea! A contest!
VELUNE
(with sudden hesitation)
Oh. A contest?
STERLING
What sort of contest, exactly?
FEY
Why, a duel, of course! To the last mortal standing!
STERLING
(whispering)
Fina…
FINA
(whispering)
Perfect.
VELUNE
(exaggerated dramatics)
If we must duel to win your majesty’s favor, I don’t see that we have any choice.
STERLING
(through clenched teeth)
Are you…certain?
FINA
Seems so, pretty boy. Nice knowing you, I guess.
STERLING
(exaggerated pronunciation)
Really, though. A fight to the end.
FINA
Yes, Sterling. If that’s what we must do.
STERLING
(this is such a bad idea)
All right! I suppose!
(draws sword)
VELUNE
May the best of us triumph.
FINA
I always knew it would end this way.
STERLING
What?
FINA
I don’t know, it just felt right.
VELUNE
Best of luck.
FEY
Now this will be fun.
MELTYRE
O di, quaeso operatur…
FEY
What?
STERLING
Oh thank every god.
MELTYRE
Et quod per manum meam circulus…
FEY
What do you think you’re doing?
VELUNE
(sharply)
Stay back.
FINA
Sorry, “my queen,” this charade is over.
FEY
Charade? I don’t know what you think you know—
MELTYRE
Invoco te reginae fae…
FEY
The whom?
AVALINE
You’re no queen.
FEY
Avaline, my dear, they are lying to you—
AVALINE
Then just say it. Say you are queen of the fey.
FEY
(laughing nervously)
I—I…my dearest…
AVALINE
Say it!
MELTYRE
Veni, non tenetur ad hoc circulo!
FEY
No, wait!
A ringing and a thrum—a portal opens, and then a strange silence.
JICAMA
(a pleasant, friendly voice)
Greetings.
FEY
(flatly)
What have you done?
MELTYRE
Hi! Um! Are you—are you queen of the fey?
JICAMA
(laughs)
Oh, gods, I wish. You may call me Jicama. I am her majesty’s representative in all matters pertaining to mortals.
MELTYRE
Oh—what?
JICAMA
Not the usual sort of wizard. Significant lack of beard. Oh well, let’s get this over with.
MELTYRE
Uhhhh—
FEY
Now you’ve done it.
JICAMA
(humdrum tone)
Ahem. How dare you, a mortal, attempt to gaze upon the majesty of the queen’s visage. You haven’t an iota of a clue what you’ve attempted…blah blah blah…listen, this is pretty long, do you want to just get to the smiting part?
MELTYRE
Wait, wait, no smiting—
JICAMA
Well it’s gonna happen sooner or later, we might as well get on with it. (crackling magic sound)
MELTYRE
Hang on! Is her majesty aware she has an imposter!
Crackling magic stops.
JICAMA
An imposter?
MELTYRE
Yeah, right there!
JICAMA
Wizard, you know full well I can’t see anything outside this circle except for you.
MELTYRE
Oh then—oh gods, this is gonna be bad.
VELUNE
Meltyre?
MELTYRE
Um—I invite you to leave the circle.
FINA
Meltyre!
MELTYRE
I know! I know!
JICAMA
Thank you.
(weird zipping stretching noise)
Oh.
FEY
…Jicama.
JICAMA
(deviously pleased)
Oho, Robin. Fancy seeing you here.
AVALINE
Robin? ROBIN?!
MELTYRE
This fey’s been letting people believe they’re the queen. Dame Avaline even swore an oath to serve them.
JICAMA
They have, have they?
ROBIN
(ingratiatingly)
Jicama, you know me. This is all a misunderstanding.
JICAMA
Unfortunately, I do know you, Robin. And this constitutes a breach of contract.
ROBIN
Now, that’s not—
JICAMA
Finally, something interesting! (sparkle sparkle sparkle poof!)
MELTYRE
Uhhh…where’d he…
ROBIN
(furious)
Well it’s been fun, but I can’t stay and chat, even though I really ought to completely destroy you, wizard.
BETTY
You can try.
MELTYRE
Hey now—
AVALINE
My last fifteen years are based on a lie!
ROBIN
Please, I never lied to you.
AVALINE
You never told me the truth either.
STERLING
Dame Avaline, be cautious—
AVALINE
(with growing rage)
Could I have left at any time? Could I have returned home years ago, you filthy—
FINA
Lady, this is not a fight you’re gonna win.
ROBIN
(acidic, voice trembling)
Make no mistake, Avaline, as amusing as you’ve been, I could destroy you as easily as I destroyed the sorceress. Unfortunately, I must be going now—
THE QUEEN
(echoing)
I rather think you won’t.
ROBIN
Oh. No.
Sparkle sparkle sparkle poof.
JICAMA
Mortals, Robin, allow me to present her majesty, queen of the fey.
MELTYRE
(panicked noise)
VELUNE
(breathless)
Sweet Pelor.
FINA
Tessa’s gonna lose her mind.
THE QUEEN
(commanding, haughty, and a little bit bored)
Kneeling is customary.
STERLING
Of course.
Shuffling, then a pause.
THE QUEEN
Well, it has been a while, hasn’t it, Robin?
ROBIN
(voice wavering)
Yes, my queen.
THE QUEEN
This place is so quaint. So Euclidian, don’t you think, Jicama?
JICAMA
Delightfully corporeal, your majesty.
THE QUEEN
Hm, yes.
(pause)
Now, the matter about the contract.
ROBIN
I have not done anything wrong, your majesty.
THE QUEEN
No? I specifically remember forbidding you to interfere in the affairs of mortals when we banished you.
ROBIN
I would not want to correct her majesty…
THE QUEEN
And yet I do believe you plan to do it anyway.
ROBIN
I was given the Wood of Woe as my domain.
THE QUEEN
With express instructions not to return to the Feywild, Robin. Let’s call a spade a spade, you were as good as banished.
JICAMA
The wizard mentioned something about an oath?
MELTYRE
Yeah, it was sworn under false pretenses. Uh, ma’am?
THE QUEEN
Which of you swore the oath?
Pause.
VELUNE
(whispering)
Dame Avaline!
AVALINE
(terrified)
I-I did. I swore an oath to serve my master, the queen of the fey, seeking neither safety nor rest, until such time as my brother sent for me.
THE QUEEN
And this oath was directed toward Robin?
AVALINE
Y-yes.
THE QUEEN
Oh dear. We have been naughty, haven’t we?
ROBIN
You know I did not say that I was you, your majesty.
THE QUEEN
But you did not correct the misunderstanding.
ROBIN
Perhaps not, but—
THE QUEEN
You will face judgement for this.
ROBIN
No! Please, your majesty, I beg your mercy—
THE QUEEN
No. You are dismissed.
Sparkle sparkle sparkle—
ROBIN
My queen, can you ju—
Poof.
THE QUEEN
They’re like the manifestation of a headache. Right then, mortals, that’s that sorted.
JICAMA
If I may interject, my queen, I’m not certain it is. The oath was directed to the wrong person, but I believe it’s still binding.
AVALINE
(quiet despair)
No…
THE QUEEN
So this creature is in my service? Until such time as her brother sends for her?
VELUNE
If I may address her majesty?
THE QUEEN
Speak, holy one.
VELUNE
I’m afraid her brother has died. The oath would not expire until Avaline’s life ended.
THE QUEEN
I see.
(pause; bored)
What exactly is it that you did for Robin?
AVALINE
I fought creatures in the wood, your majesty. To entertain them.
THE QUEEN
They always did have a rather obtuse sense of fun. But I have no need of a gladiator.
JICAMA
Waste not want not, my queen.
THE QUEEN
That’s true…I suppose you could join my retinue as a lady-in-waiting. You need never die that way.
AVALINE
I have no wish for immortality.
THE QUEEN
Nevertheless, it is yours. Shall we be going?
STERLING
(whispered)
We can’t let her—
VELUNE
(whispered)
I know, but what recourse do we have?
FINA
(whispered)
Meltyre, do something!
MELTYRE
(whispered)
Like what??
JICAMA
Come and take my hand, Lady Avaline, I will aid your travel to the Feywild.
THE QUEEN
I would say it’s been a pleasure, but as you all know, my kind cannot lie. Farewell.
BETTY
You’re welcome.
Pause.
THE QUEEN
What did you say?
BETTY
I said, you’re welcome.
STERLING
Betty!
THE QUEEN
I do not recall thanking you.
BETTY
Maybe you should.
FINA
Oh!
THE QUEEN
Excuse me?
FINA
No, it’s all right, your majesty, ignore Betty. It’s fine, really.
THE QUEEN
What’s fine, storyteller?
FINA
Like you said, it’s all sorted. Robin’s taken care of. No need to worry about that embarrassing little oversight again.
THE QUEEN
What are you implying? Jicama, what is she implying?
JICAMA
Alerting you to Robin’s treachery was a considerable favor. A return favor may be in order.
THE QUEEN
I have already shown gratitude to the wizard by not disintegrating him.
MELTYRE
(horrified)
Oh, great!
JICAMA
The argument could be made that the favors are not equitable.
THE QUEEN
We can’t possibly have that.
JICAMA
Of course not, my queen.
THE QUEEN
Then allow me to illustrate my gratitude, mortals. What would you ask? Fabulous wealth? I can provide that.
FINA
How fabulous?
VELUNE
(shocked)
Fina!
FINA
Sorry, it’s a reflex.
STERLING
Your majesty, there is really only one thing that we want, and as it happens, you’re the only one who can provide it.
THE QUEEN
And that would be?
BETTY
Release Avaline from her oath.
THE QUEEN
Whatever for?
VELUNE
She is needed elsewhere. No one else will do.
THE QUEEN
Really? You could ask anything of me in the whole of this realm, and you ask for this?
STERLING
If we are all agreed.
MELTYRE
O-of course!
BETTY
Yep.
FINA
Although letting go of fabulous wealth pains me a little, yeah.
THE QUEEN
How unexpected.
(pause)
And you, Avaline? What do you think of this?
Pause.
AVALINE
(shaky but determined)
Your majesty, I want to go home.
THE QUEEN
Your brother is dead. And he did not send for you.
AVALINE
I know it will not be the same, but nevertheless, I wish to go.
Pause.
THE QUEEN
Very well. Jicama?
JICAMA
A verbal contract was made, and a verbal decree will resolve it, my queen.
THE QUEEN
Avaline, the oath you swore to me is null and void. Your obligation is fulfilled and I release you from my service. Is that sufficient?
JICAMA
Quite, your majesty.
THE QUEEN
I wish you well. Oh, and wizard?
MELTYRE
Uh, yes?
THE QUEEN
Do not attempt to summon me again.
MELTYRE
(terrified giggle)
Yes ma’am.
THE QUEEN
We go. Farewell.
Poof. A long pause.
FINA
(singsongy)
Oh. My. Gods.
MELTYRE
I’m gonna pass out? I’m pretty sure I’m gonna pass out.
VELUNE
(breathless)
Pelor have mercy.
FINA
We just negotiated with a fey. We talked the queen of the fey into letting someone go! Holy hydra, we’re legends!
BETTY
Avaline?
STERLING
Your highness, are you feeling all right?
AVALINE
It’s…it’s over. I’m free.
VELUNE
That’s right.
AVALINE
(exhilarated)
I can…I can do so many things, I’m not sure where to start.
BETTY
Sheath your sword.
FINA
Oh, good thinking, sweetheart. You’re not going to need that for a bit, Avaline.
AVALINE
(exultant, relieved laughing)
(sword sheathed)
It’s over!
STERLING
There will be more to do, your highness. Lord Denetrah will not want to give up power.
AVALINE
(with relish)
If I can sleep soundly for three days, I’ll be able to tear him to pieces with my bare hands!
BETTY
That’s the spirit.
AVALINE
I’m going to bed! Where’s the innkeeper? TESSA!
Door opens and closes.
FINA
Wow, she has no money.
VELUNE
I’m sure we can cover her.
STERLING
Well, Fina? Still the stupidest thing we’ve ever done?
FINA
Absolutely.
VELUNE
(happily)
It was an excellent plan!
FINA
Couldn’t have done it without you two.
STERLING
Or Meltyre.
VELUNE
Or Meltyre!
MELTYRE
Betty saved us though.
FINA
Yeah she did!
BETTY
(pleased)
Yeah.
MELTYRE
So we’re good? We’re done?
FINA
Yeah, I think so.
MELTYRE
Good.
(groans; shuffle)
STERLING
Oh! Oh dear. He’s passed out.
FINA
Nice catch, Sterling.
VELUNE
We should all follow his example and get some rest.
FINA
I could stand to pass out myself. And get out of these woods.
STERLING
Agreed. Let’s…let’s go home.
Theme song.
TESSA
Next time, on Inn Between…the season finale.
Credits:
Episode 2.14, “The Fey,” was written and directed by Hannah Wright, with assistant director William Wright. The show is produced and edited by Katherine Ayers.
The voice of Sterling is Marquis Dijon Archuleta; the voice of Betty is Kaleigh Christopher; the voice of Fina is Riley Jones; the voice of Velune is Kira Mills; and the voice of Meltyre is Austin Mowat.
This episode featured the voices of our special guests: Georgia Mckenzie as Dame Avaline, Shade Oyemakinwa as Robin, Paul Miscavage as Jicama, and Allison Phillips as the Fey Queen. Check the show notes for more of their excellent work.
Fina’s guitar is played by Eli Isbell, and our theme song is by Eli McIlveen. Special thanks to our Fey Consultant Julia Smith.
Transcripts for this and every episode can be found on our website, thegoblinshead.com. Find and follow us on twitter, or support us on patreon, at patreon.com/thegoblinshead.
If you like our show, find a loophole in a complex fey contract, or leave us a review. Thanks for listening!
Theme song ends.
TESSA
You’re saying the queen of the fey was inside the Goblin’s Head.
STERLING
Yes.
TESSA
And we are all still alive? And have all of our organs?
STERLING
As far as I know, yes.
TESSA
Anything damaged?
STERLING
I don’t think so.
TESSA
Well.
(pause)
I rather think I need a drink.