Our heroes have a chance encounter.
Transcript is below the cut!
A few seconds of silence.
HANNAH
Hi, everyone, Hannah here, and I’m so excited to serve you this bonus episode. But first, we need to thank some patrons. Tessa?
TESSA
Right you are, we would like to thank Connie Rottier and Adam Fix for their support. Thank you both so very much! You know, it’s funny about that patron…
HANNAH
Connie or Adam?
TESSA
Mr. Fix. Reminds me of a tavern keeper down the road from the Goblin’s Head.
HANNAH
Let me guess, Renault de Lyons, used to be an adventurer?
TESSA
Now, how on earth do you know that?
HANNAH
How do I know things about my fictional world, that I created?
TESSA
(slightly cross)
Well, that’s very existential, isn’t it?
HANNAH
If you’d like to be thanked by Tessa before an episode, you can become our patron, at patreon.com/thegoblinshead.
TESSA
And now, with no further ado, let’s go to the inn.
Tavern sounds, people discussing in the background.
KILLIKER
Really? Every story?
FINA
Every story I’ve ever heard.
KILLIKER
So, you know the story of the three men and the boat.
FINA
(smug)
Oh, that’s a good one!
KILLIKER
The halfling and the dark lord?
FINA
An absolute classic.
KILLIKER
The magician and the talking donkey?
FINA
Ooh, a rare one! But yes!
KILLIKER
What about the chicken and the trombone?
FINA
(pause)
No, because you made that up!
KILLIKER
(very impressed)
Ohoho! Well done!
FINA
Now, if you wanted a story about a swan and a trumpet…
KILLIKER
You’re not serious!
FINA
(mock outrage)
How dare you accuse me of being serious?
KILLIKER
(loud laughter)
FINA
But I am telling the truth!
KILLIKER
I’d kill for a memory like yours!
FINA
You’ve got a nice repertoire yourself! Can I just say, it’s nice to meet another bard in the business!
KILLIKER
I was thinking just the same! We’re a rare breed among adventurers.
FINA
Nice to talk to someone with some culture.
KILLIKER
Adventuring is so uncouth sometimes.
FINA
Yeah… But I wouldn’t trade it for the world!
Chair scoot.
KILLIKER
Fina, should we be best friends?
Chair scoot.
FINA
(going for serious)
We absolutely should.
KILLIKER
Then the pact is sealed!
FINA
(loud laughter)
VELUNE
What’s going on here?
FINA
Oh! Speaking of best friends! Uh, Killiker, this is famed barbarian badass Betty and the fiercest of friars, Velune! Guys, this fine elf is Killiker the Fantastic! A fellow bard!
KILLIKER
So pleased to make your acquaintance! I did wonder how such a lovely lady as Fina was traveling by herself.
FINA
Nope! Too much.
KILLIKER
Noted! Apologies.
VELUNE
(distracted and choppy)
It’s… very good to meet you, Killiker.
FINA
We were just talking shop, you know, bard stuff.
KILLIKER
Turns out, we have quite a lot in common.
BETTY
(considering)
Hm.
KILLIKER
Oh, look! I think that’s our drinks, allow me to get yours for you.
Footsteps fading away.
FINA
Won’t say no to that!
Several chair scoots as velune and betty sit.
FINA
(excited)
Killiker is so cool, guys! He once sang a bugbear to sleep.
BETTY
Did he?
FINA
Well, there’s always the possibility he was exaggerating. He is a bard.
VELUNE
Nothing about him strikes you as… odd?
FINA
No? Why? What do you see?
VELUNE
Nothing, it’s just…
(slightly conspiratorial)
Doesn’t he sound like Sterling?
FINA
(bewildered)
What? No… What?
BETTY
He looks like Sterling, too.
FINA
No, he doesn’t!
VELUNE
Oh, you’re right! Around the cheekbones!
BETTY
And the chin.
FINA
What are we saying here?
VELUNE
It’s just an… odd coincidence.
FINA
No, you’re making an inference! You think, what? Killiker is Sterling’s real dad?
VELUNE
Well, “real” is a bit of a contentious subject, when it comes to situations of adoption or parentage.
FINA
Okay, that’s a wild reach! So, they look vaguely similar, so what?
VELUNE
There are also a couple of mannerisms…
FINA
This is ridiculous.
BETTY
Just saying.
FINA
(done with this)
Okay, I’m gonna ask Killiker if he wants to travel with us for a bit. And when I do, you’re all going to have to shut this nonsense down.
Footsteps approach.
KILLIKER
(friendly)
Oh, but I love nonsense.
Chair scoot, glasses clink as they are set down.
KILLIKER
What are we shutting down?
FINA
Don’t worry about it! My friends are just seeing patterns where there are none.
VELUNE
What’s that you’re drinking, Killiker?
KILLIKER
Oh, wine with ice.
Pause as they all accept this as absolute proof.
KILLIKER
I know, I know, it’s a little unorthodox but I quite like it.
VELUNE
(I was right)
Of course.
FINA
So, uh, what brings you to the area, Killiker?
KILLIKER
I’m headed northwest, there’s a town called Ambitter where a friend of mine says there’s work.
FINA
Northwest, huh? We might have a mutual acquaintance who lives up there.
KILLIKER
You don’t say.
FINA
You ever meet… Lady Daria Whitetower?
KILLIKER
(lost in thought and nostalgia sauce)
Huh… Lady Daria Whitetower.
(fond)
Now there’s a name I haven’t heard in… years. How is Lady Daria?
VELUNE
When we saw her last, she was quite well. You haven’t spoken to her… recently?
KILLIKER
No, our acquaintance was brief. I doubt she even remembers me.
FINA
(snorts)
Not likely.
KILLIKER
(laughs)
Oh, you flatter me.
FINA
Not at all.
KILLIKER
How do you know Lady Daria?
BETTY
We’re friends with her son.
KILLIKER
Oh, small world.
FINA
Isn’t it just.
BETTY
Shame you’re going northwest.
VELUNE
Yes, we’re headed east. Fina was just saying how lovely it would be to travel with you.
KILLIKER
Alas, how the cards fall. Well, if you’re ever in Ambitter, do not hesitate to look me up. I expect to be there for quite some time.
FINA
We’ll definitely do that.
KILLIKER
Now, if you’ll excuse me, ladies and friar.
Loud gulp.
KILLIKER
I’m going to procure another glass of wine.
Chair scoot, footsteps fading away.
FINA
(extremely bewildered)
Oh my gods.
BETTY
What happens when we tell Sterling?
VELUNE
Well I’m fairly sure he’d just… keel over right then and there.
FINA
How does someone so cool have a kid who is Sterling?
VELUNE
(tiredly)
Hm, I’d have to resurrect him.
FINA
And we had so much in common! I don’t understand how this happened.
BETTY
Sterling is a good person, he doesn’t deserve this.
FINA
Okay, rude.
BETTY
(chuckles)
VELUNE
What an odd happenstance.
FINA
Yeah, for real! What are the odds of us meeting Sterling’s dad? That’s bizarre.
Long pause.
BETTY
We should tell Sterling.
FINA
How are we going to break the news that we found his dad, and it might as well be me?
VELUNE
We will do so gently.
FINA
(sarcastic)
Love to see how we’re going to manage that.
VELUNE
Oh, did I say we? I meant you.
FINA
Why me?
BETTY
You’re the bard.
FINA
You two are the worst.
(pause)
So, this means I’m basically Sterling’s dad now, right?
VELUNE
(through laughter)
That doesn’t make sense at all!
BETTY
You know what he’d say?
FINA
Oh, I know exactly what he’d say!
(imitating Sterling)
I’d thank you not to make light of this crucial situation, Fina!
VELUNE
(following along)
This is a very difficult notion you’re asking me to accept, Fina!
BETTY
(mimicking Sterling)
You’re not my dad, Fina!
Laughter, it dissolves and fades away.
Background tavern sounds fade away.
Theme song starts.
OUTRO (7:46):
HANNAH
This bonus episode “Killiker the Fantastic” was written and directed by Hannah Wright with assistant director William Wright. The show is produced and edited by Katherine Ayers.
The voice of Betty is Kaleigh Christopher, the voice of Fina is Riley Jones, the voice of Velune is Kira Mills, and this episode featured the voice of special guest Sam “Raethr” Nguyen as Killiker the Fantastic. Find more of his work on the podcasts “Among the Stars and Bones”, “Kalila Stormfire’s Economical Magick Services” and “Me and AU.”
Our theme song is by Eli McIlveen and our artwork is by Gabrielle Buxman.
Transcripts for this and every episode can be found on our website, thegoblinshead.com.
Find and follow us on Twitter, @inn_between_. Or support us on patreon, patreon.com/thegoblinshead.
Thanks for listening!
Theme song spikes then fades away.
Music ends.
Episode ends.