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Inn Beacween

Our heroes meet some otherworldly visitors.

A crossover episode with The Beacon, a very good show!

Transcript is below the cut!

Downloadable PDF Transcript

 

Tavern sounds, background voices.

Chair squeak.

 

FINA
(breathing hard)
Guys, you are not going to believe what just happened!

 

STERLING
Do you mean that you’re about to tell us some fish story?

 

FINA
Not today, Paladon’t, this is very nearly a current event!

 

VELUNE
Do tell.

 

FINA
I think we are going to be attacked by air elementals!

 

MELTYRE
(panicked)
Oh my gods! Where? Where are they?

 

FINA
They just blew through town! Bunch of stuff knocked over, this huge gust of wind!

 

BETTY
So you saw wind?

 

FINA
No, it was person shaped! I swear, whatever it was ripped through a fruit stand, knocked over a bucket and scared some chickens.

 

STERLING
But you didn’t see anything?

 

FINA
I saw… something? I don’t know, it happened really fast.

 

STERLING
Alright, supposing you’re right, how many air elementals?

 

FINA
I don’t know, but at least, like, five! It was moving too fast to be any less than that.

 

VELUNE
I don’t know much about elementals, I’m afraid. Should we be worried?

 

MELTYRE
Uh, yes! Definitely! But what are they doing here? They usually don’t leave their own plane!

 

VELUNE
Unless someone summoned them.

 

BETTY
We don’t have time to fight a wizard.

 

MELTYRE
This could either be kind of annoying or really, really bad.

 

STERLING
If Fina did in fact see something that wasn’t just wind.

 

Door creaks open.

 

FINA
(low)
I’m telling you, there’s something weird going on here!

 

BETTY
Weird like that?

 

VELUNE
(hum)
Now these are some curious looking folks.

 

STERLING
What are they wearing?

 

BETTY
Sure are not dressed for traveling.

 

FINA
Oh, this could be fun. Hey, you kids lost?

 

A magical zoom of super speed.

 

HAWK
Hi, there! Yes, we’re lost, but this place seems really cool so, you know, I’m not complaining!

 

FINA
(freaked out)
Oh my gods, did you see that?

 

MELTYRE
How did you do that?

 

FINA
You’re what I saw!

 

HAWK
Oh, hey! I remember you, too! You were the one who was yelling at that cat! Oh, I was meaning to ask, why were you yelling at a cat?

 

STERLING
Yes, why were you yelling at a cat?

 

FINA
(defensive)
It was giving me a snide look, okay?

 

WOLF
Uhm, hey! Sorry for our friend here. She’s just a little… hyperactive right now. Nothing too out of the usual. So, uh, come on, Hawk! We should be going and leave this nice… people alone!
(nervous laughter)

 

HAWK
Why are you being so cagey? People here can do magic, too! We don’t have to hide it anymore!

 

CAPY
Hey, is that true? Can you guys do, like, magic stuff?

 

FINA
Wow, you guys must be really lost.

 

MELTYRE
Plenty of people can do magic, but… h-hey, how did you do that? That didn’t look like Expeditious Retreat.

 

CAPY
E-pe-di-ddy what now?

 

HAWK
Oh, you mean my super zoom?

 

Two consecutive magical zooms of super speed.

 

HAWK
I can just do it whenever.
(excitedly)
Nice axe by the way, is it real?

 

A metallic cling of axe being unsheathed.

 

BETTY
Does it look real?

 

WOLF
(worriedly)
Uhm…

 

BEE
(anxious, high pitched sound)

 

HAWK
(completely unaware of this)
Yeah! Real and awesome!

 

BETTY
(scoff)
Is it real?

 

Axe being sheathed.

 

BEE
(further sounds of anxiety and distress)

 

VELUNE
(worriedly)
My young friend, are you alright?

 

WOLF
Uhm, sorry about her, we’ve just been having a really weird day, and I think she’s a little shell-shocked.

 

VELUNE
Shock is right. Miss, may I take your hand?

 

CAPY
Psst, Bee!

 

VELUNE
(soothing tone)
This should help a little. Take a deep breath now.

 

Prolonged magical zing of a healing spell.

 

BEE
Uhm… oh.
(soft surprise)
Oh! I feel… surprisingly calm now! Also, I think my stomachache is gone?

 

CAPY
Woah, forget Hawk’s superspeed. How did you do that? What even was that?

 

VELUNE
I am but a conduit for the divine light of my god, Pelor.

 

STERLING
Was that Calm Emotions, Friar?

 

VELUNE
No, Lesser Restoration.

 

STERLING
Oh, I see.

 

NEWT
(annoyed, snarky tone)
Hey, now that everyone’s given terrible explanations for the weird stuff they can do, you think we might wanna introduce ourselves? Share some fun facts like our names, our favorite colors and, oh, I don’t know, what planet we’re on?

 

BEE
Uhm… yeah! That, that might be good to uh… know.

 

FINA
Well, planet-wise, welcome to Earth! Where are you from?

 

WOLF
Coincidentally, also Earth! But I think a different earth. Unless Europe has taken a very strange turn in the past… three hours.

 

STERLING
Names we can manage, at least. Apologies for our rudeness. I am Lord Sterling Whitetower, at your service.

 

BEE
Oh, please, not more royalty.

 

FINA
(off-handedly)
Don’t worry, kiddo, he’s in disgrace. I’m Fina Butterbuns, baddest bard in town.

 

Guitar strumming.

 

MELTYRE
And I’m Meltyre.
(beat)
Uh, just Meltyre.

 

VELUNE
Friar Velune. And this is…

 

BETTY
Betty.

 

BEE
Uhm. Right. Cool. And we are… Uhm, guys, uh, quick question here. Should we use our real names here or….?

 

NEWT
I’ll be honest, I’m pretty sure most of us don’t even know each other’s real names.

 

BEE
Ah, right, that’s, uh. That’s right. So, uh, I’m Bee, like the uh… Uhm. Nevermind.

 

WOLF
You can call me Wolf.

 

CAPY
It’s Capy! Or Captain Capy, if you prefer!

 

NEWT
(dry)
Newt.

 

HAWK
And I’m the Hawk!

 

STERLING
(politely)
Is it customary for people in your world to be named after animals?

 

FINA
(not politely)
Don’t be stupid, Sterling. What the heck is a Capy?

 

CAPY
It’s short for capybara! You know, only the chilliest dudes in existence. Do y’all not have capybaras here or something?

 

STERLING
Is it some sort of fey creature or…?

 

MELTYRE
It’s a… it’s like a huge mouse.

 

STERLING
Like a giant rat?

 

MELTYRE
No, just a regular mouse.
(quietly)
But huge.

 

CAPY
And… super chill!

 

NEWT
Great. Love the biology lesson. Now maybe we can have one on trying to get back to somewhere with central heating? And wi-fi?

 

VELUNE
Why don’t we all have a seat? Perhaps we can help you find your way home. Would you care for drinks?

 

WOLF
(relieved by the hospitality)
Thank you, that’s very kind. We’ve been wandering around in the woods for a while. What kind of drinks are available here?

 

FINA
Standard stuff. Cider, ale…

 

STERLING
Tessa’s got a lovely wine today.

 

FINA
Yeah, she said something about ogre whiskey, too?

 

HAWK
Ogre whiskey? That sounds fun! Let me have–!

 

WOLF
Hawk, no!
(nervous laughter)
Uhm, sorry. I should have clarified, most of us here aren’t the legal drinking age.

 

FINA
What is a drinking age? That sounds terrible!

 

WOLF
It’s an age we agree on when it’s safe for people to start drinking alcohol! You know, to help protect them from their own terrible decisions!

 

MELTYRE
(aside)
The alcohol is safer than water.

 

CAPY
Ignore her, she’s living in her own world where she thinks no one younger drinks. You guys got any mead? I feel like I hear about that in movies all the time. No idea what it is, but it just sounds kinda epic!

 

FINA
I like the cut of your jib, Capy.
(calling out)
Tessa, can I get a few meads?

 

STERLING
Perhaps some small beer, as well. For those of you who are sensitive.

 

FINA
Yeah, you go ahead and spend your money on small beer.

 

VELUNE
(pointedly)
Coming back around to the point…
(now kindly)
My young friends, how did you get here?

 

BEE
Uhm, I’m… sorry. I’m… really not sure. I think there’ve been some issues with things from other worlds to our world lately? We had a monster there and then a… human visitor from a planet called Telos. You don’t know Telos, do you?

 

MELTYRE
Sorry, no.

 

BEE
Ah, right. Of… of course not. Uhm, so, uhm… we were all just out in the woods, you know, our woods on our Earth, uh, trying to make sure there were no other visitors around, and… we started getting further and further and…
(progressively more panicked)
It felt like we were getting more and more turned around… and then we realized we were in a completely different place altogether, and…

Oh god, we are really on another planet, aren’t we? Oh, god. Oh… god.

 

WOLF
Come on, Bee! Try and keep it together!

 

BEE
Okay, yes. And uh… haha, basically, I think we all just really, really want to get home about now.

 

HAWK
(not really, no)
Oh yeah! Totally! Eventually…

 

VELUNE
A curious predicament.

 

STERLING
I’m not sure how we can help.

 

FINA
Well, I have heard stories about things like this happening before.

 

NEWT
We have stories about that, too. But for us, they’re just that, stories. Do you have anything more concrete than that?

 

FINA
(unimpressed)
Nothing more concrete than a good trope, sonny. Here’s the ish, though. Your basic thrown-out-of-your-own-world story ends one of two ways.

Either you become the trapped heroes of this world, tragically taken from your own time but gratefully accepted by ours or… you’ve been sent here by some kind of higher power, like, oh, I don’t know, an anthropomorphic lion or a pair of goddesses.

When your task is complete, you’ll get taken back! Either way, you’ve got a destiny to fulfill and we can’t send you home.

 

CAPY
(unhappily)
Oh, come on! That’s not cool! My rugby team’s got a game on Friday!

 

BEE
Destiny? But… but, but, but, we had enough trouble with one monster thing! We can’t deal with a whole… destiny! It’s just… It’s… it’s just!
(anxious noises)

 

MELTYRE
(alarmed and trying to comfort)
Hey…! Uhm, there might me something we can do? I’ve got like… half an idea.

 

BEE
(quickly)
Yes, please, thank you.

 

MELTYRE
Yeah, okay. So, this sounds like some kind of… planar confluence, right? Like their earth is not our earth on the material plane, it’s something else, which means they don’t belong here.

 

STERLING
Following you so far.

 

MELTYRE
So, there’s a spell that can send unwanted creatures back to the planes they came from. I don’t see why it couldn’t work for you guys, too.

 

CAPY
(excuse me?)
Sorry, who’s an unwanted creature here?

 

MELTYRE
No! Nothing! Nobody! Y’all are… fine.

 

WOLF
(sharply)
Capy, don’t be difficult.
(smiling)
I’m sorry, Meltyre, please, carry on, about how to get us out of here.

 

MELTYRE
So the only thing… is that it’s pretty complicated? I’d need some time to set up and some ingredients.

 

 

STERLING
Not another set of quests.

 

BETTY
Hope it’s not a cockatrice.

 

MELTYRE
No, uh, I have most of what I need. The rest is, well… traditionally, the spell requires something that the target just hates.

 

NEWT
Do people, places or situations at large count as ingredients?

 

MELTYRE
Material components have to be non-abstract things.

 

NEWT
Then I’m probably gonna need to look further than this table for mine.

 

BEE
(nervously)
Uh, ah, eh, I think… what… Newt means is that… we are… all going to…um—uhm… need to look around to find something good… bad for the spell… thing.

 

HAWK
(clapping as she chants)
Shopping trip! Shopping trip!

 

FINA
It’s settled then, you’ll each be getting a tour of the town. You, brooding anti-hero, come with me.

 

NEWT
(really doesn’t like this situation)
Why?

 

FINA
We’ve gotta find something for each of you. Right, Meltyre?

 

MELTYRE
Uh, yeah. That’s right.

 

STERLING
It will be more efficient if we split up to do so.

 

FINA
Right, so, slug boy, take a wander with me. The rest of you can do whatever you’d like.

 

MELTYRE
I, I’ll need a hand for some of the set up.

 

BEE
(quickly)
I volunteer! I mean I would rather just keep myself busy, so I don’t end up overthinking this a thousand times over.

 

MELTYRE
Uh, yeah. I get that. Sure.

 

HAWK
Dibs on Betty!

 

CAPY
(overlapping)
Dibs on Betty— ah, shoot!
(resigned)
Fine… how about you and me, sword boy?

 

STERLING
I’d be glad to accompany you, Captain.

 

VELUNE
Looks like we’ll be a pair, Wolf. If that suits you.

 

WOLF
I suppose that suits me as well as just about everything else here, friar.

 

VELUNE
I understand. Good luck, all.

 

BEE
Yes and, uhm, try not to die, please? Y—You know, standard procedure and all.

 

MELTYRE
They’ll be fine. Probably.

 

Tavern sounds fade away.

 

CAPLING (12:02)

PART 1

Sounds of a town, boisterous conversation and background laughter.

 

STERLING
Right then, Captain. Do you have any idea on where to start?

 

CAPY
Woah, take it easy! Now that we’ve ditched everyone else, we can have some real fun.

 

STERLING
Fun?

 

CAPY
Yeah! What do you guys do around here to kick back?

 

STERLING
(is this allowed?)
I’m sorry, shouldn’t we be doing the exact opposite of that?

 

CAPY
I mean, yeah! But who ever had fun doing exactly what they were supposed to do, huh?

 

STERLING
Do you not want to return home?

 

CAPY
What’s the rush? This place is wild! It’s not like we could just take a road trip back over spring break!

 

STERLING
You are in awfully high spirits considering that this plan of Meltyre’s may not work.

 

CAPY
(really, dude?)
Wow… just throwing your boy under the bus there, huh?

 

STERLING
(sputtering)
No! I would… I would never cast aspersions on a friend.

 

CAPY
Sounded kinda like you were casting a “spersion” or two.

 

STERLING
No! What I’m saying is that you are not taking this seriously!

 

CAPY
(unrepentant)
And I never will! Come on!

 

Heavy footsteps getting away.

 

STERLING
Cap—Captain!

 

Another set of footsteps follows.

 

CAPY
Hurry up! Is that armor slowing you down or what?

 

Footsteps stop.

 

STERLING
(indignant)
This armor is a symbol of my dedication to Saint Cuthbert, I’ll have you know! What exactly are you captain of, anyway?

 

CAPY
Only the best rugby team in our league!

 

STERLING
Yes, you had mentioned rugby… what is that?

 

CAPY
Do you not play rugby here?

 

STERLING
I’m sorry, are you trying to tell me you are captain of a sport team?

 

CAPY
Yup!

 

STERLING
(dry)
Things begin to make sense.

 

CAPY
Wow! This place is legit huh?

 

STERLING
Not… entirely sure what you mean.

 

CAPY
(loud excitement)
I mean this is all real! You know, it’s like Westeros came to life.

 

STERLING
I’m still not following you.

 

CAPY
Can everyone do magic here?

 

STERLING
No, not everyone.
(beat)
Your friend Hawk seem to imply you had to hide magical abilities on your Earth.

 

CAPY
Yeah, we don’t exactly walk around in wizard hats.

 

STERLING
I know magic is frowned upon in some places, but an entire world prejudiced against magic?

 

CAPY
(struggling to explain)
It’s not like prejudice, it’s just… aside from us, the only people who have magic powers on our Earth are fake.

 

STERLING
Then you could gain great acclaim if you were to show yourself having actual magic.

 

CAPY
I don’t think it’d end that well, and, you know, I’d rather just get famous from just being awesome old me! People don’t need to know about the whole… magic-y thing.

 

STERLING
I do understand that.

 

CAPY
So, what about you? Are you magic?

 

STERLING
(not-so-discreetly proud of himself)
I do have some magical capabilities, yes.

 

CAPY
Can I see?

 

STERLING
Well, I wouldn’t like to show off!

 

CAPY
(you totally want to, dude)
Oh, come on! Let’s see what you got!

 

STERLING
Very well.
(clears throat)
(in a bellowing tone)
May the power of Saint Cuthbert be your safeguard!

 

Magical zing.

 

CAPY
Wohoho, glowy! What’s it… Why am I glowy?

 

STERLING
It’s a minor shielding spell.

 

CAPY
(impressed)
Sweet! Am I like… bulletproof now? Or… I don’t know, arrow-proof?

 

STERLING
No, but they are a bit less likely to hit you.

 

CAPY
Oooh. So, I can’t go run headfirst into a wall or anything.

 

STERLING
I wouldn’t recommend that, no. Uhh… Apologies, Capy, my magic isn’t terribly impressive. Not like Meltyre’s or even the Friar’s. All of my spells are… subtle.

 

CAPY
You can protect folks! That’s not nothing!

 

STERLING
I’m still learning. All of this is new to me.

 

CAPY
Hey, it’s new to me, too. I’ve had powers for, like… a few months now?

 

STERLING
What does your magic entail?

 

CAPY
(cocky)
I’m basically the strongest person ever!

 

STERLING
Strength? Just that?

 

CAPY
Hey, now, what do you mean “just that”?

 

STERLING
I mean, no offense. It’s just that… I’ve never heard of something like that.

 

CAPY
(excited for a chance to show off)
You wanna see?

 

STERLING
(genuinely curious)
I think I would.

 

CAPY
I’m gonna lift… that cart!

 

STERLING
I could lift a corner of that cart.

 

CAPY
How about the whole thing? With one hand?

 

STERLING
(doubtful)
Surely not.

 

CAPY
Yeah, watch this!

 

Footsteps.

 

VENDOR
Hey.

 

Loud wooden creaks of the cart being lifted.

Capy grunts with effort.

 

CAPY
(winded)
Ta da!

 

STERLING
(incredibly excited)
You have the strength of a giant!

 

CAPY
Sure do!

 

STERLING
Now that is impressive!

 

CAPY
Thanks!

 

Wooden creaks, a thud as the cart is placed back on solid ground.

 

CAPY
Now, come on! What else is there to see here?

 

STERLING
Not a lot, I’d say. It’s a small village.

 

CAPY
Aren’t there like… jousts and tournaments and stuff in places like this?

 

STERLING
Perhaps on a festival day.

 

CAPY
(disappointed)
Man…
(perking up)
What about those kids? They playing soccer?

 

STERLING
Soccer?

 

CAPY
Y’all don’t have that either, huh? What do you call that, then?

 

STERLING
Oh, they’re just playing bandy. A common game, I find. Whenever there’s a spare pig’s bladder, you’ll find someone kicking it about playing bandy.

CAPY
(laughs delightedly)
Gross! You don’t touch the ball with your hands?

 

STERLING
Unless you are the goal guard, no.

 

CAPY
Yeah, it’s basically soccer. You play?

 

STERLING
(sigh)
It’s… it’s been a while. But shouldn’t we getting back to finding something–?

 

CAPY
(quickly)
I’m gonna go play!

 

STERLING
But, Capy–!

 

CAPY
Come on, Sterling!
(calling out)
Hey, hey kids! Can I play?

 

KID 1
Yeah!

 

KID 2
No, no fair! She’s so big!

 

CAPY
(coaxing)
Ah, they’re totally right! Sterling, you better join so it’s fair!

 

STERLING
I really don’t think—

 

CAPY
Dude, when was the last time you had any fun?

 

STERLING
Just…

 

Shuffling and rustling. Small clinks of metal as if something unbuckled.

 

STERLING
Let me take off my armor!

 

CAPY
Yes, awesome!

 

Heavy clank of metal and armor.

 

STERLING
Right then.
(suddenly excited)
Let us… let us play!

 

CAPY
(I knew you were also a jock)
Alright!

 

Background noise fades out.

 

PART 2

Background noise fades in.

 

STERLING
You very nearly had me there!

 

CAPY
(joyful)
I’m telling you, man, this isn’t my sport! Let me use my hands and you wouldn’t stand a chance!

 

STERLING
(teasing)
I suppose if we were playing rugby, then—

 

CAPY
(suddenly serious)
Hey, hang on. Those guys are poking around your armor!

 

STERLING
Who?
(pause)
Oh.

 

CAPY
What?

 

STERLING
(his good mood gone)
Nothing. Let’s just… retrieve it.

 

Footsteps.

 

PALADIN 1
(mocking)
Well, well, well. This must be the man.

 

PALADIN 2
(equally derogatory)
If it isn’t Lord Sterling.

 

PALADIN 1
Lord Sterling, I’ve heard that name before!

 

STERLING
If you don’t mind, I’d like my armor back.

 

PALADIN 2
Don’t see why, it’s already ruined.

 

Armor rattles.

 

PALADIN 1
How’s life being disgraced? You seem to be enjoying yourself.

 

CAPY
(taken back)
Disgraced?

 

STERLING
(softly and politely)
Honorable paladins, I don’t wish to take up your time—

 

PALADIN 1
Oh, we have a little time to waste.

 

CAPY
Hey, give the dude his armor back!

 

PALADIN 2
How does it feel to be an embarrassment to your family and your god? Was it worth it?

 

STERLING
(holding back his anger)
I will continue to maintain that I’m innocent of the charges brought against me.

 

PALADIN 1
(enjoying this greatly)
Curious, because that’s not what the order said.

 

CAPY
(angrily)
Yo, I got an idea. How about you two hand over the armor before I send you crying home to your mammas?

 

PALADIN 2
(taunting)
Oh, nice friend of yours. Much more loyal than the duchess, isn’t she?

 

CAPY
You think I’m kidding?

 

STERLING
(firmly)
Captain, they aren’t worth your time.

 

PALADIN 1
(derisive)
Do you hear that? We aren’t worth his time.

 

PALADIN 2
Enjoy the mark of your disgrace, Lord Sterling.

 

Armor falls.

Footsteps fading away.

 

STERLING
(sigh)

 

CAPY
Who were they?

 

STERLING
Paladins from the order I have been banished from. I’m sorry you had to see that.

 

CAPY
(fuming)
You shoulda let me beat their asses! That would have taught them!

 

STERLING
It would have only served to confirm what they already believe.

 

CAPY
Aren’t you pissed off about this?

 

STERLING
Don’t mistake me I am…

 

Rustle of the armor and buckles as he puts it back on.

 

STERLING
(takes a breath)
Furious. But it would have helped nothing.

 

CAPY
What do they think you did?

 

STERLING
I was accused of an… indiscretion.

 

CAPY
Like… what kind of indiscretion?

 

STERLING
The kind that leads to a child.

 

CAPY
Dang, dude!

 

STERLING
(sharply)
The accusation was false!

 

CAPY
Hey, I believe you! It’s all good!

 

STERLING
We’ve lost precious time.

 

CAPY
(darkly)
I hate stuff like that.

 

STERLING
Like what?

 

CAPY
I mean, like, they already like, disgraced you or whatever. They don’t have to dunk on you like that.

 

STERLING
It was not very becoming of them.

 

CAPY
Aren’t they supposed to be the good guys?

 

STERLING
Yes.
(letting some of his anger show)
Justice will be done.

 

CAPY
I could still do some justice right now.

 

STERLING
There are two of them and they are armed and trained.

 

CAPY
There are two of us, I bet we could take them!

 

STERLING
We barely know each other.

 

CAPY
That doesn’t matter! They suck and they shouldn’t get away with it!

 

STERLING
If I know my god, they won’t.

 

CAPY
(knows to let it go)
I’m gonna respect your wishes here. But god they make me angry.

 

STERLING
You know, I have an idea.

 

CAPY
Yeah?

 

STERLING
Let’s go this way. You see that?

 

CAPY
We talking about the, like, community notice board thing?

 

STERLING
Yeah, right. This village is made mostly of subsistence farmers and craftsmen.

 

CAPY
(pronouncing it wrong)
Subsistence?

 

STERLING
They eat almost everything they grow. Very little surplus to sell.

 

CAPY
Oh, okay.

 

STERLING
Not much money changes hands because no one has much. But their trade is lively anyway and I happen to know very few go hungry.

 

CAPY
‘Kay, so…

 

STERLING
So… why don’t you read that notice? That large one, there.

 

CAPY
Sure, I guess. Uhm… by royal decree…
(pause)
(outraged)
Am I reading this right? Their taxes are gonna be five times higher this year?

 

STERLING
That is what it says.

 

CAPY
There’s no way they can afford that, though! That’s nuts!

 

STERLING
You’re not far off.

 

CAPY
Who does this king think he is?

 

STERLING
Now, let’s not—!
(beat)
The king is not a perfect man, but the kingdom is in quite a bit of disarray after the lich tried to take it over. The coffers need refilling.

 

CAPY
(appalled)
This isn’t the way to do it! You don’t squeeze the little guy! This is Sheriff of Nottingham stuff!

 

STERLING
Pardon?

 

CAPY
It’s messed up!

 

STERLING
Then I was right in thinking it makes you angry.

 

CAPY
Yeah, it does!

 

STERLING
Good.

 

Paper rips.

 

CAPY
Uh… are you allowed to do that?

 

STERLING
Well, strictly speaking, no. But the village officials will replace it. These things do tend to be vandalized.

 

CAPY
Okay, cool. And… why did you do that?

 

STERLING
Do you think your hate for this injustice is enough to send you home?

 

CAPY
Oh…
(gets it)
Oh! Yeah! Nice, yes!

 

STERLING
Excellent!

 

CAPY
Good!

 

STERLING
(hesitant)
Do you…hm.

 

CAPY
What’s up?

 

STERLING
It’s nothing.

 

CAPY
Come on, Sterling.

 

STERLING
Do you suppose we could take the long way back?

 

CAPY
(teasing)
Aww, are you gonna miss me?

 

STERLING
(sincerely)
I rather think I will.

 

CAPY
Then long way sounds good to me.

 

Background sounds fade out.

 

NENA (22:46)

Background sounds of town, quiet conversation and coughing.

Footsteps as if on gravel.

 

FINA
Alrighty, Toad! What have you hated since we got here?

 

NEWT
It’s Newt. And, where do I start? I could write a thesis on all the smells alone. Have any of you even seen a bar of soap?

 

FINA
(flippantly)
I thought they were mythical!

 

NEWT
(disregarding her attitude)
Of course you did. You people must still bleed people if they’re sick to balance their humors. The literacy on this place must be abysmal. Say nothing of the lack of air conditioning or indoor plumbing.

 

FINA
Sounds unhygienic.

 

NEWT
Not like you would know, in this sorry excuse for a young adult fantasy novel.

 

FINA
(dramatic)
Now that hurts my feelings!

 

NEWT
I am stranded in some kind of alternate magic dimension with no wi-fi and no cell signal, and you ask me what I hate? Take a wild guess.

 

A silent beat.

 

FINA
Is it everything…?

 

NEWT
(loudly and overlapping)
It’s everything!

 

FINA
Shocking.

 

Thoughtful guitar strumming.

 

FINA
(considering)
Let’s see… Indoor plumbing, huh?

 

NEWT
Yeah.

 

FINA
And you hate the smells. Don’t like things natural, do you?

 

NEWT
Not what you’d call a nature person, no.

 

Triumphant guitar chords.

 

FINA
Then to nature we must go!

 

NEWT
(why this?)
Perfect! Walking into the woods with a hobbit.

 

FINA
(nonchalant)
I don’t know what that word means but it has the sound of copyright infringement.

 

NEWT
Excuse me?

 

FINA
What?

 

NEWT
What?

 

FINA
Here’s a question, does this thing you have going on work for you?

 

Town sounds fade away in favor of nature: birds calling and chirping.

Footsteps stop.

 

NEWT
What are you talking about?

 

FINA
The whole emo brooding thing. Do the girls like that? Or the boys? Or… whoever you’re into?
(poking fun)
You got a bunch of elves that swoon every time you come around playing sad guitar?

 

NEWT
We don’t have elves on my earth.

 

FINA
Wow, I’m actually jealous.

 

NEWT
Are you asking who I’m trying to impress?

 

FINA
I’m asking who you’re trying to fool.

 

NEWT
(scoff)
You think I’m some kind of… faker or something? You think you get me?

 

FINA
If the gauntlet fits, Salamander.

 

NEWT
(annoyed)
It’s Newt. And guess what, I don’t even care, okay? I don’t care what you think.

 

FINA
(sniff)
Yeah. Whatever you say, kid.

 

NEWT
You don’t have to believe me. None of this matters anyway. We’ll be back soon anyway, and this will all be an unpleasant memory.

 

Pause.

 

FINA
(disbelief)
Amazing.

 

NEWT
What now?

 

FINA
You mean that, don’t you?
(dry laugh)
You don’t care!

 

NEWT
Why should I?

 

FINA
Wow. So, if, for example, I called you a walking stereotype?

 

NEWT
Nope, don’t care.

 

FINA
Really? That doesn’t get under your skin, even a little?

 

NEWT
Doesn’t matter.

 

FINA
(wryly)
Incredible. Totally sincere.

 

NEWT
Yeah.

 

FINA
(scoff)
Gods, you better be a musician or some kind of artist. That’s the only acceptable explanation for this kind of tomfoolery.

 

A beat of silence.

 

NEWT
(put out)
Just because you’re right…

 

FINA
(triumphant)
Aha!

 

NEWT
Doesn’t make you smart.

 

FINA
(proudly)
Beg to differ. I am a genius, and more importantly, I’m genre savvy. But most important of all, I am right.

 

NEWT
(sigh)

 

FINA
What’s your medium?

 

NEWT
You are… an incredibly annoying person.

 

FINA
(unaffected)
That’s how I make the big bucks. You a composer? You’ve got the furrowed brow of a composer.

 

NEWT
I’m not a musician. I’m a visual artist.

 

FINA
A painter?

 

NEWT
Sometimes. More often, charcoal.

FINA
You get a lot of requests for portraits from wealthy patrons drawn in charcoal?

 

NEWT
Those aren’t exactly in vogue anymore.

 

FINA
(bewildered)
What? How did your rich people get tired of looking at themselves?

 

NEWT
They didn’t. Photography made it cheaper, that’s all.

 

FINA
Photography… Light writing?

 

NEWT
No. No, photography is more like…
(pause)
(annoyed, mostly at himself)
No, no! I’m not doing the whole “show the magic box to the caveman” thing.

 

FINA
Aw, but I love a magic box. You are no fun, Frog.

 

NEWT
(it got under his skin and he doesn’t like it)
It’s Newt. I know you know It’s Newt, and it’s not even a good joke. I suggest you grow up.

 

FINA
(laughs)
I guarantee I’m at least twice as old as you are.

 

NEWT
You are not. You can’t be more than… thirty-five.

 

FINA
(slightly offended)
Uh, thirty-five? Do I look like an actual infant to you? I’m fifty-four!

 

NEWT
What?

 

FINA
Yeah, and you can’t be much older than our Meltyre, right?

 

NEWT
Wait, Meltyre is… younger than I am?

 

FINA
I think so. What did he say he was… nineteen, I think?
(quietly)
Man, humans age so quick.

 

NEWT
(absolutely baffled)
You’re entrusting our safe return home to… a freshman, basically, who is… younger than me. Younger than Bee.

 

FINA
Oh, have you fought a dragon before? Or a vampire? Or a nasty octopus thing? Are you a powerful wizard?

 

NEWT
(skeptical)
That guy is a powerful wizard?

 

FINA
Appearances can be deceiving. Except, apparently, in your case, as you perfectly manifest who you are on the outside like a beacon.

 

NEWT
Did you say… beacon?

 

FINA
Yes?

 

NEWT
That’s the name of Bee’s…
(sigh)
Ugh, never mind.

 

FINA
Hm. So! Any of this nature looking particularly reprehensible?

 

NEWT
You could take any given leaf of any given tree and it would work.

 

FINA
Mm, that won’t do. You don’t hate trees, you hate being outdoors. It’s gotta be more specific.
(pause)
You don’t hate trees, do you?

 

NEWT
I’m… largely indifferent to trees.

 

FINA
Thought so.

 

NEWT
We could try to find some poison ivy. Perhaps humanity’s least favorite reminder of why we spent millennia moving away from nature.

 

FINA
Ugh, no, thanks. I’d like to keep all of my fingers.

 

NEWT
Wait, what does your poison ivy do?

 

FINA
Poisons you, obviously. What does yours do?

 

NEWT
Uh, itch?

 

FINA
Pfft, I wish.
(beat)
Oh, hey, let’s head for that clearing.

 

Rustling leaves.

A thud.

 

NEWT
Ow! Holy sh—

 

FINA
You okay?

 

NEWT
Yeah, I just tripped over a—
(falls silent)

 

FINA
Kid?

 

NEWT
(affected)
It’s a… a gravestone.

 

FINA
Woah, really? Huh, look at that. I wonder what it’s doing out here.

 

NEWT
Probably marking a grave?

 

FINA
I can’t read it
(thoughtful hum)
And all my stuff is back at the inn. You got any paper?

 

NEWT
(hesitant)
Yes, why?

 

FINA
I want to make a rubbing.

 

NEWT
(sigh)

 

Paper tears.

 

FINA
(faintly sing-song)
Thank you.

 

Charcoal bring rubbed against paper.

 

FINA
Here lies… Chris.

 

NEWT
Chris? Not exactly the fantasy name I was expecting.

 

FINA
That’s what it says. Military leader, husband, father…
(in wonder)
Wow, the dates! This thing is more than three hundred years old!

 

NEWT
(clipped)
Great. Cool. Can we go now or…?

 

FINA
Why’s it out here all by itself?

 

NEWT
Who cares?

 

FINA
You are not curious? Oh, here’s another one!

 

More leaves rustle.

 

FINA
(excited)
Ooh, and a couple more!

 

NEWT
(desperately doesn’t want to be here)
Great.

 

FINA
Hm, Mariah the Wise. And…
(gleeful)
This can’t say Plootis.

 

Charcoal bring quickly rubbed against paper.

 

FINA
Oh my god, it says Plootis!
(sharp, loud cackling)
Plootis!

 

NEWT
(hotly)
Is this fun for you? Making mockery and entertainment out of the dead?

 

FINA
Mockery? No mockery here, I just want to know Plootis’s story.
(stage whisper)
Tell me your secrets, Plootis!

 

NEWT
I’m leaving.

 

FINA
What’s the rush? It’s not every day you find a long-forgotten cemetery full of stories.

 

NEWT
(forcefully)
I don’t like cemeteries.

 

FINA
Spook easily, huh?

 

NEWT
No.

 

Long pause.

 

FINA
(without humor)
Gods, you hate this.

 

NEWT
Most people don’t like being reminded of mortality.

 

FINA
(simply)
Most people wouldn’t make the connection. They’re just rocks with names on them after all.

 

NEWT
But you don’t see them that way.

 

FINA
Hm, are we observant or are we fishing?

 

NEWT
(snark time)
Most importantly, am I right?

 

FINA
(delighted)
Ooh, that was good! Okay, you win this one.
(serious)
They’re stories, kid. The last vestige of a person’s life. The end. All good stories have to have an end.

 

Long pause.

 

FINA
Oh, we don’t agree on that, do we?

 

NEWT
(aggravated)
People aren’t stories.

 

FINA
Everything’s stories.

 

NEWT
No. Life doesn’t just fit some narrative arc.

 

FINA
Nah, the narrative arc comes later. Makes sense of things. Hey, look for a souvenir.

 

NEWT
Why?

 

FINA
Because you obviously hate this more than nature. You think we could bring a piece of gravestone?

 

NEWT
I’m not going to desecrate a grave!

 

FINA
You want to get home or not?

 

Rustling.

 

FINA
This one’s kind of loose.

 

NEWT
You want to haul a gravestone all the way back to town?

 

FINA
Nah, you’ll do it.

 

A thud as the stone is brought loose.

 

FINA
It’ll be symbolic.

 

Low, magical rumble.

 

NEWT
Did you feel that?

 

FINA
Feel what?

 

Low, magical rumble.

 

FINA
Oh. That.

 

NEWT
Do you get… earthquakes, around here?

 

FINA
(high pitched)
No, I think we should go.

 

NEWT
Why?

 

FINA
Yeah, yeah. We should go.

 

Low, magical rumble.

Stone crackles.

Skeletons growling. Oh no.

 

NEWT
Skeletons?

 

FINA
(annoyed)
Yeah, I know! Get behind me!

 

NEWT
I told you, you shouldn’t have kicked the gravestone!

 

FINA
Oh, you think?

 

A magical, fast guitar tune.

 

Skull growling fades away.

 

FINA
Hah!

 

The skull is back at it.

 

FINA
Oh, oh no!

 

The crinkling and high whistle of a magical zing.

A thud.

Bone crumbling.

 

NEWT
Is it dead?

 

FINA
Uh… yeah. Dang, nice shot! Also, where have you been keeping a hatchet?

 

NEWT
I drew it. It’s a thing I can do.  Those were real skeletons.

 

FINA
(never mind that)
You have a real skeleton. You drew this hatchet? You drew a hatchet and made it real?

 

NEWT
Yeah. It’ll dissolve in a second. Not my best work.

 

FINA
(impressed)
Wow.
(beat)
Oh, Plootis, why did you do me dirty like this?

 

Magical zing as the hatchet disappears.

 

FINA
Oh, there it goes! That is some magic, kid.

 

NEWT
It’s occasionally useful.

 

FINA
My conscious body finds it very useful. Weaponized art.

 

NEWT
Isn’t that what you do?

 

FINA
Oh, I guess so. I don’t know, it feels different to play for combat than for a story.

 

NEWT
I… get that.

 

A pause as they process what just happened.

 

NEWT
Should we get out of here?

 

FINA
We’re probably fine, but it couldn’t hurt. Why don’t you take…

 

Rustling.

 

FINA
This?

 

NEWT
Why…?

 

FINA
You’re afraid of death, right?

 

NEWT
I’m not just gonna take… Plootis’s skull. And, no, it’s not death I’m afraid of.
(slowly)
It’s what comes after.

 

FINA
Afterlife? Judgement?

 

NEWT
(almost hesitant)
No, becoming just a name on a rock. Forgotten.

 

FINA
Oh. You should use the—

 

NEWT
The rubbing you made?

 

FINA
Yeah, that works! Well, if you’ve had enough excitement, I think we should head back to the inn.

 

NEWT
Yeah.

 

FINA
Bye, Plootis.

 

A long pause.

 

FINA
So… you don’t want an ending.

 

NEWT
No.

 

A soft guitar melody.

 

FINA
You know, in my experience, the stories that last, like, really last, are the ones that mattered most when they were happening.

 

NEWT
What’s your point?

 

FINA
I don’t know. You can’t control when you die. You can control what you’re doing right now.

 

NEWT
(skeptical)
And you have a lot of experience with death?

 

FINA
(small laugh)
More than you could possibly imagine. Come on. Hop to it, Newt.

 

Guitar fades.

Background sounds fade.

 

WOLUNE (34:31)

PART 1

Background sounds of a bustling town, distant chatter.

 

WOLF
What do you think, Friar? Is this good enough?

 

VELUNE
(amused)
An apple, my child? Remember, we’re trying to send you to another world, not providing you with a healthy breakfast.

 

WOLF
Yeah, but…
(beat)
See how moldy and mealy it looks! Look at all those wormholes! It looks repulsive!

 

VELUNE
If you believe that an innocent piece of fruit will be a sufficient ingredient to banish you from a plane, then I will gladly sponsor your purchase of it!
(kindly)
But it might be prudent to search elsewhere and away from the ire of this fruit vendor?

 

WOLF
Uh… yeah. That’s probably a good idea.

 

VENDOR
Hmm!

 

VELUNE
Now, Wolf, why don’t you tell me a little about yourself? Perhaps then I can be more of greater assistance in helping you find something suitably despicable.

 

WOLF
Well, I don’t know what all there is to say!
(nervously)
I could tell you where I’m from, but you wouldn’t know where that is. I could tell you what I’m studying at my college, but I don’t know if you have libraries here. Or colleges.

 

VELUNE
(most definitely amused)
You must give us some credit, dear.

 

WOLF
Right. Sorry.

 

VELUNE
No need to apologize. Regardless, there are much better things that you can tell me about yourself. I don’t need to know where you came from to understand what growing up there meant to you.

 

WOLF
Yeah, sure! It’s just…
(hesitantly)
Friar, can I ask you… are any of the folks around here… dangerous?

 

VELUNE
It’s a small town. I’m sure we would have already spotted anyone who meant serious trouble.

 

WOLF
I meant more like… can any of them do magic? More dangerous than, you know, your healing spells.

 

VELUNE
(laughing)
More dangerous than me?
(laughter stops)
Doubtful. I don’t believe there are all too many serious casters in the area, outside of those you already met at Tessa’s fine establishment. Why do you ask?

 

WOLF
(quickly)
No reason! Just curious.

 

VELUNE
Very well then. To return to our point, why don’t you tell me a little bit about yourself.

 

WOLF
(frazzled)
Sure! Sorry. I guess I’m just having a little trouble finding the right words to… to…
(curious)
Say, what’s all that over there?

 

VELUNE
Ah, I remember this from the last time the inn was in town. This is miss Ikana’s charm establishment. She produces a fairly high standard of products compared to some of the charlatans I’ve seen in my travels.

 

WOLF
Charms? Like to give you good luck or happiness or that kind of stuff?

 

VELUNE
Well, luck is a little trickier to produce, but I believe Miss Ikana is quite adept at enchanting other emotions into her wares.

 

WOLF
Wait, wait, wait! So, these charms can actually affect people. Not in just like a metaphoric, placebo effect kind of way?

 

VELUNE
Of course!
(beat)
Is Placebo the name of some famous huckster in your world?

 

WOLF
No, Placebo is more like… Actually, never mind. So, do you know what this charm does? The one with the red shard.

 

VELUNE
It aids with aggression, I believe. An excellent way to lend strength to the meek and mild.

 

WOLF
And this one? The one with the golden thread?

 

VELUNE
(slight warning)
Oh, be careful with that one! It dampens the morals of good folk. That’s why you’re more likely to see it in the possession of the obscenely wealthy.

 

WOLF
Oh. So. Gold’s kind of bad. Huh.
(gasp)
But what do you think of this yellow one? It’s pretty cute on its own!

 

VELUNE
A citrine gem in the center, I believe it’s called. Helps build confidence.

 

WOLF
Huh, I think I know a girl who could do with something like this.

 

IKANA
I could have it gift wrapped for you, if you’d like.

 

WOLF
Oh, thanks! But I can’t— Ah!

 

VELUNE
(worriedly)
What’s the matter?

 

IKANA
Oh, I hope I didn’t startle you, dear.

WOLF
(terrified)
That is—! She is—! I should go! I should—!

 

VELUNE
Wolf, look out behind you, there’s—

 

A thud as wolf walks into a minotaur.

 

MINOTAUR
Hey, watch it!

 

WOLF
(shouts)

 

MINOTAUR
(shouts back)

 

VELUNE
(hurriedly)
Good sir, I apologize for my young friend. She is… new to the area and, apparently, very easily frightened.

 

MINOTAUR
Hmph.

 

VELUNE
(baffled)
What is the matter, my child? You look as wide eyed as Meltyre when he saw his first undead construction.

 

WOLF
That’s—She was—and he had—!
(reproachful)
You said there wasn’t that much magic around here!

 

VELUNE
(oh, no)
Oh dear, I’m beginning to suspect our worlds have very different definitions of magic. I assure you that those two weren’t more dangerous than any firbolg or minotaur in the area.

 

WOLF
(not soothed in the slightest)
But… minotaurs are a myth! And… and what’s a firblog? What even is—?

 

VELUNE
Let’s not continue to make too much of a scene here, shall we? You seem distressed and, perhaps continued exposure to the general population is not the best thing for you right now.

 

WOLF
(winded)
Yeah. Okay. But… where are we supposed to go? Isn’t the general population, you know, everyone on your earth?

 

VELUNE
Yes, but I believe I know somewhere nearby we can be offered a little more shelter.

 

Background sounds fade.

 

PART 2

Quiet, spacious building. The voices here echo.

 

VELUNE
(grandly)
Welcome, my child, to the temple of Pelor.

 

WOLF
This place is… it’s…

 

VELUNE
(joyful)
A splendiferous testament to our father of light and healing? Yes, I’m aware.

 

WOLF
(strained)
I was gonna say… kind of blinding. You know, just with the sun bouncing off all the marble.

 

VELUNE
Ah, yes. I’d forgotten that the temple can have that effect on newcomers.

A holy place of sheer white and gold, meant to reflect the glorious rays cast by the Sun Father sounds like a fine concept, but in practice, and particularly at noon, I suppose it can be a little overwhelming.
(kindly)
Here, let us sit where we may be afforded a little more shade.

 

The voices stop echoing.

Old bench creaking.

 

WOLF
(in wonder)
Wow. From this perspective…
(takes in a breath)
The temple here really is something beautiful. It must have taken decades or centuries to finish!

 

VELUNE
I don’t know the full history of this particular temple, but I suspect magic may have had a place in its construction. Stone Shaping to place its walls and pillars, Haste to speed up the labor.
(pointedly)
The assistance of craftspeople of many different species.
(mildly)
I suspect you are not entirely comfortable with some of the species in our earth.

 

WOLF
It’s not that I’m uncomfortable with them or with magic! Or with anything specific about all of this! It’s just…
(pause)
It’s just that seeing these people, or these magics I’m not expecting really shocks me first, and then, after that passes, it just makes me feel… I don’t know…
(defeated)
Vulnerable.

 

VELUNE
Do you mean you expect them to attack you?

 

WOLF
No! I mean… I don’t know what to expect! A minotaur or a firblog or an elf or a dwarf…
(anxiously)
I don’t know what they can do! Or what they will do! I don’t know what you here call magic, or what’s supposed to be normal!

 

VELUNE
But you could say the same of humans, couldn’t you? You don’t know what’s happening in the mind and muscles of your fellow person any more than you do a minotaur.

 

WOLF
(panicked)
But I can at least have an educated guess! I can be prepared, and try to have a plan ready, and I can—

 

VELUNE
You can do what, my child? Be prepared for every possible outcome?

 

WOLF
(softly)
I can at least pretend to feel like I’m in control.

 

VELUNE
Control?
(pause)
Hm. Oddly enough I feel I can relate to that sentiment.

 

WOLF
What, do you have trouble controlling your healing magic or something?

 

VELUNE
(offering their vulnerability as well)
No, I have had trouble controlling… myself.

And that is a prime example of why you should not be so quick to judge people by their appearances. All that time spent worrying about that lovely charm purveyor, when all along one of the most dangerous people for a hundred miles was standing right beside you.
(pause)
Apologies if that sounded intimidating, I didn’t mean to frighten.

 

WOLF
No, no. I’m just… a little taken aback. I thought you were a healer.

 

VELUNE
And I am! I’ve sworn my life and my service to my lord Pelor and all he represents, but there were times in my past when I was blinded to his light, and there are times even now when my eyes catch the shadows of my path.
(uneasy)
And that causes me as much concern as the thought of being buried alive, the idea that I might once again become who I was when I was at my worst.

 

WOLF
I haven’t known you for very long, Friar, but you at least seem to be in decent control over yourself. May I ask, how did you get to this point?

 

VELUNE
(with some humor)
Hm, you may not like this answer but one of the factors is simply… time.

Life moves much slower when you’re young, and each and every crisis and instance of lost control seems as though it will last forever. But as you build upon your years, you’ll begin to realize that very few crises are ever as catastrophic as they initially seem.  And that not every mistake will follow you forever.

 

WOLF
(progressively getting louder)
I mean, you’re probably right, but what am I supposed to do now, when everything does feel like it’s just kind of spiraling out of control?
(deeply frazzled)
I feel like I’m not even exaggerating here when I say I haven’t had a calm, normal day in months, and compared to Bee and all the others with all their powers, I feel almost completely helpless to do anything about it!

 

VELUNE
You may never find absolute peace, but if you wish to step back from the ledge of disaster, you must learn to accept your helplessness, and learn to let it go.
(thoughtful pause)
Hm, which gives me an idea, actually. Would you be comfortable waiting here while I fetch something?

 

WOLF
Sure, Friar.  Go ahead.

 

VELUNE
I’ll return shortly.

 

A pause as Velune leaves.

 

WOLF
(soft, gentle chuckle)
Are you there, Pelor? It’s me, Ash.

 

PART 3

VELUNE
Wolf, I believe this is what you’re looking for.

 

WOLF
(deeply confused)
A present?

 

Box rattles.

 

WOLF
But that’s…

 

VELUNE
Don’t open it, that’s part of its meaning. Inside that box, I might have packaged that yellow charm you’d been admiring in the market.

 

WOLF
Aw, Friar! That’s so—

 

VELUNE
Or
(casually)
I might be trying to pass on a cursed manticore stinger I had in storage onto you.

 

WOLF
Wait, what?

 

VELUNE
Guaranteed to cause bad luck, I’m told. And possible poisoning!

 

WOLF
(loud bewilderment)
Wait, what?

 

VELUNE
(unhelpfully)
I’ve been trying to determine the best way to get rid of it and passing it onto another world does seem quite thorough.

 

WOLF
You can’t be serious! I can’t just risk taking cursed monster parts across—across world lines or something!

 

VELUNE
Yes, you can. You can, and you must accept the risk if you ever want to return home.

 

WOLF
But that’s… terrible!
(beat)
It’s perfect! Thank you, Friar!

 

VELUNE
(smiling)
You’re welcome, my child.

 

A pause.

 

WOLF
But… you wouldn’t actually give me a cursed manticore stinger, would you?

 

VELUNE
(I did say I was the most dangerous person around)
It’s a golden opportunity, really. Curses like these are very difficult to shake.

 

HAWTY (45:55)

PART 1

Nature sounds, birds and bugs.

A magical zoom of super speed.

 

HAWK
(excitedly)
Oh, what’s that?

 

BETTY
(deadpan)
A shadow daisy.

 

A magical zoom of super speed.

 

HAWK
(undeterred)
And what’s that?

 

BETTY
A heartwood tree.

 

A magical zoom of super speed.

 

HAWK
Oh, oh, and what’s that?

 

BETTY
That’s a rock.

 

A magical zoom of super speed.

 

HAWK
(pointedly)
No, you don’t get it! It’s not just a rock. It’s a rock on a magical, alien, planet. Ergo, it’s a magical, alien rock. Literally the coolest possible combination to any rock anywhere!

 

BETTY
Pretty sure it’s just a rock.

 

HAWK
But I still love it! I love this whole place! Do you know how lucky you are to live in a world where there’s magic?
(trying to emphasize the importance of this)
You don’t know what it’s like back on Earth! There’s nothing, like, cool like this! No monsters, no wizards, no magic at all! Aside from us on Team Super Magic, of course.

 

BETTY
Weird name for a team.

 

HAWK
(energetically)
I know isn’t it the best? Just like the team.
(reticent)
Okay, well, maybe not the best, because, you know, Newt’s kind of a wet blanket and I’m not sure I totally agree with Bee’s stance on hiding our powers and Capy did kind of break my leg once…

But we’re still pretty cool, you know? So, what about your group, Betty? What are they like?

 

BETTY
I like them okay. Some of them could stand to talk a little less.

 

HAWK
Uh huh, uh huh, yeah? And what kind of adventures have you guys had? Anything super thrilling?

 

BETTY
We had to pick a flower once. I hear there were butterflies nearby.

 

HAWK
(slightly perplexed)
Okay… anything more exciting? Daring? Heroic?

 

BETTY
We killed a lich king. Saved the kingdom.

 

HAWK
(excited and impressed)
Wow, really? What happened, what was it like?

 

BETTY
Bad. Wasn’t worth the cost.

 

HAWK
Okay, well, either way I’m sure there’s tons of stuff to do around here. Any dragons to fight, fair maidens to rescue?

 

BETTY
We already covered those.

 

HAWK
Aw, man.

 

BETTY
You don’t need a quest, you need to find something you hate to send you home.

 

HAWK
(doesn’t want to hear it)
Yeah, yeah, sure but here’s the thing: I’m a very loving person. I love most everyone and everything. Gotta be a good person to be a good hero, you know?  So, if I wanna fight something I hate, we might have to go on a place far, far away just to find it!

 

A magical zoom of super speed going away.

A magical zoom of super speed returning.

 

HAWK
Like this one!

 

Paper crinkling.

 

BETTY
(dry)
Lost dog, two silver reward.

 

HAWK
Whoops, wrong one.

 

Two magical zooms of super speed again.

 

HAWK
I mean this one.

 

Paper crinkling.

 

BETTY
“Wanted: Five pearlescent scale gems, most often found on the walls of active volcanoes or in the hoards cultivated by red wyrmlings. Five hundred and fifty gold reward. Free claim on additional wyrmling hoard finds.”

 

HAWK
See?

 

BETTY
Did you get this from the inn?

 

HAWK
Sure did. Put out a fire for Bee too while I was there. Also doesn’t this sound perfect?

 

BETTY
(pointed)
It won’t solve much unless you hate volcanoes.

 

HAWK
(trying and failing to make something decent up)
Oh, uhm, right, no, see, it’s what the quest represents. See, the volcano represents government. And the wyrmling represents greed and institutional oppression, and the journey itself represents war, which is hell and also bad, and—

 

BETTY
(unimpressed)
That sounds made up. You just don’t wanna go home.

 

HAWK
(of course not)
What? What makes you say that?

 

BETTY
My best friend lies professionally. You’re not as good as her.

 

HAWK
(irked)
Well, what if I don’t? Why would I wanna go back home this soon?

In our world, we only have made up stories about this kind of magic stuff, and then just our team who can actually do magic, and we can’t even use our powers for anything cool because Bee said it’s too dangerous!

And it’s so stupid! I wanna show everyone what I’m really made of and be a hero!

 

BETTY
Okay. Let’s do the quest.

 

HAWK
(surprised)
Wait, really?

 

BETTY
Yeah, if this is what you wanna do, I’ll come along. I haven’t been on a reckless unplanned adventure in a while. Sterling made a rule.

 

HAWK
(huff)
A stupid rule I bet.

 

BETTY
Yeah, real stupid.

 

HAWK
Oh, this is the best! You’re the best, Betty! I promise you this is gonna be the most super awesome magic action adventure quest ever.

 

BETTY
Great. Let’s get some supplies.

 

HAWK
(uhm)
Oh, right. Uhm, quick point of order though, I don’t really have any money for this world.

 

BETTY
That’s a problem.

 

HAWK
I mean maybe, maybe not! We’re off to be big heroes after all! Maybe we’ll get a discount.

 

Nature sounds fade away.

 

PART 2         

A magical zoom of super speed.

 

VENDOR 1
No money, no sausages.

 

HAWK
Please?

 

Door slamming.

A magical zoom of super speed.

 

VENDOR 2
(firmly)
No money, no tents.

 

HAWK
It’s for a good cause!

 

Door slamming.

A magical zoom of super speed.

 

VENDOR 3
(final)
No money, no painstakingly crafted and enchanted flame-resistant armor.

 

HAWK
But we’re heroes!

 

VENDOR 3
Yeah, you and everyone else who can afford it.

 

Door slamming.

 

HAWK
(calling out)
Rude!
(beat)
Geez, Betty, you’d think these people have never seen a champion of justice before or something.

 

BETTY
Or too many of them.

 

Sounds of town and footsteps.

 

HAWK
(annoyed)
Ugh, what are we supposed to do now? We can’t let our epic quest end just because of something like this!

 

BETTY
We could—

 

HAWK
(not listening)
Wait, I’ve got it! Here’s what we do.

First, we whip out some elaborate costumes incorporating the local flora. Then, we find the most hip and happening spot in town. Then, we put on a show with exquisite feats of speed and strength under the guise of forest spirits all tied together with a thrilling narrative.

It’s gonna be great! The townsfolk will be throwing money at our feet!

 

BETTY
I don’t think that’ll work.

 

HAWK
No, it’s perfect, see—

 

Objects tumbling to the ground.

 

OLD WOMAN
Oh, dear!

 

HAWK
(truly apologetic)
Ohmygosh, I’m so sorry, I didn’t see you there! Are you okay?

 

OLD WOMAN
(pleasant)
Quite alright, dear. Nothing bruised but a few apples.

 

HAWK
Here, let me get those for you.

 

OLD WOMAN
Oh, there’s no need to—

 

A magical super zoom times five.

 

HAWK
Ta da!

 

OLD WOMAN
Oh, you’re quite fast, aren’t you?

 

Creaks and shuffling as Betty grabs the cart.

 

OLD WOMAN
(impressed and grateful)
Oh my, and you’re quite strong! What lovely young women. I simply must find a way to repay you.

 

Sounds of town fade away.

 

PART 3         

Sounds of nature.

 

HAWK
Wohoo! We’re on our way and we got enough food for weeks!

 

BETTY
If you only wanna eat apples for weeks.

 

HAWK
Aw, don’t be so down, Betty! It’s a start! Plus wasn’t it nice of her to lend us some old blankets from her home, too?

 

BETTY
She must have been married to an ogre if she had one big enough for me.

 

HAWK
Either way, adventure awaits! So, let’s get going!

 

A magical zoom of super speed away.

A pause.

A magical zoom of super speed back.

 

HAWK
Oh, right, just regular going with you.

 

BETTY
Yup.

 

HAWK
So, any idea how long ‘til we reach the volcano?

 

BETTY
Don’t know. Never seen one. Could be weeks, could be months.

 

HAWK
Oh, and what do you usually do during travels?

 

BETTY
We walk and try not to trip.

 

HAWK
(struggling a little)
Got any kind of alternative equivalents to podcasts you listen to?

 

BETTY
Is that a spell?

 

HAWK
No, it’s just like stories and conversations you can hear again and again at any time.

 

BETTY
I have Fina for that.

 

HAWK
Oh, she was the halfling who went with Newt, right? Do you think she’d wanna come with us? I bet she and Newt are already done with their quest. It shouldn’t take Newt very long to find something he hates.

 

BETTY
(firmly)
No. Fina’s staying behind.

 

HAWK
But I thought you said she was your best friend!

 

BETTY
She is. That’s why I’m not risking her life again.

 

HAWK
Again?
(beat)
Do you wanna talk—?

 

BETTY
No.

 

HAWK
Okay.
(awkwardly)
You know I think I’m just gonna scout ahead real quick, see if there’s any trouble up there.

 

A magical zoom of super speed.

Tumbling.

 

HAWK
Oof!

 

BETTY
Kid?

 

ROGUE 1
Hey, not so fast there, missy!

 

ROGUE 2
Yeah, don’t you know this here is a toll road?

 

BETTY
(you are not serious)
You’re gonna try and extort an orc?

 

ROGUE 2
(mocking)
An orc who clearly can’t do math thinkings right, cause there’s only one of you and two of us. So, nothing bad’s gonna happen to either of you if you—

 

Metallic cling of axe being unsheathed.

 

BETTY
Hah!

 

Swoosh, thud. A second of silence for rogue 2. It’s all he deserves.

 

BETTY
Sorry, what?

 

ROGUE 1
(fearful, then defensive)
You–! Why, you! This one’s for Darryl!

 

A magical zoom of super speed.

Thud as a body falls to the ground.

 

HAWK
(dramatically and joyfully)
Do-do-do-roo! The Hawk swoops in!

 

BETTY
(a little bewildered)
What are you wearing?

 

HAWK
It’s my super costume! Pretty neat, huh?

 

BETTY
It’s pink.

 

HAWK
(excuse you)
Pink and awesome!
(sheepish)
Also, sorry it took me so long to get back, but when I go tumbling, I can tumble for quite a bit! And then I had to change into my costume, and you would not believe how many briars and brambles to try and not get this caught on!

 

BETTY
So, you were carrying that all along and you didn’t have any food or money?

 

HAWK
Never leave home without it! See, my friend Moth made it, and she’s awesome, but you would not believe the sting we went through to agree on the color for a—

 

Rogue one grunts.

 

BETTY
Kid, look out!

 

A magical zoom of super speed.

In quick succession: a knife stabbing, Betty grunts, axe being swung and connecting, rogue 1 one falls and is dead now.

 

HAWK
(bravado)
Whoo, guess that guy had one more swing in him, didn’t he? Anyway, thanks for pointing him out, though, you know, I could have totally spotted him on my own!

 

BETTY
Sure. Just be more alert next time.

 

HAWK
Hah, no worries! I’ll be so super alert there won’t even be a next time—oh, holy cheese, there’s a knife in your arm!

 

BETTY
Huh? Oh, yeah.

 

HAWK
(loud panic)
Oh yeah? Oh yeah? Betty, you were stabbed!

 

BETTY
Only a little.

 

HAWK
(voice getting even speedier)
Okay. Okay, okay! How do we handle this? What do we do with stab wounds? Uhm, okay, first things first, don’t—

 

A swoosh as the blade is pulled out.

 

HAWK
(slightly nauseated)
I don’t think you were supposed to pull it out like that. Or at all!

 

BETTY
It’s fine. Come on, let’s keep going.

 

A considering pause.

 

BETTY
You’re not scared of blood, are you?

 

HAWK
(hahaha, totally not)
Blood? Oh, psh, blood! No, not me, I wasn’t scared!

 

BETTY
Sure. Okay.

 

HAWK
(defensive)
I wasn’t! I was just thinking. Ugh!
(her voice gets progressively faster as her panic gets ahold of her)
Ugh, you’re probably gonna think this is stupid but I was just thinking about the knife in your arm and how close it was to being a knife in me, and wondering if I could’ve moved fast enough to dodge it, even if you hadn’t yelled, and calling myself stupid for not noticing and telling myself not to call myself stupid and then berating myself for being so self-centered about this, even though you were the one who got stabbed!

Because, see, it’s not just my feet that go fast, it’s my thoughts, too, and sometimes they start chasing each other around and around, and there’s no way to stop thinking about each and every tiny little thing I could have done differently like even this conversation, where you must already feel like just shut up, Hawk, just shut up—!

(small pause as she realizes what she’s said)

Hahaha, honestly, I wasn’t afraid, so it’s cool! We can go!

 

BETTY
(bluntly)
I think you should go back.

 

HAWK
I said I’m not scared and I’m not!

 

BETTY
You should be. Fear is what keeps you alive. If all you’re focused on is showing off and being the hero, you’re going to get yourself killed.

 

HAWK
(defensive)
Hey, I’m fine! I can survive! I’m used to looking out for myself! In fact, I think maybe you’re the one who should go home!

 

BETTY
What?

 

HAWK
(on a roll now)
You’re clearly running away from something, or you haven’t learned the moral of your story yet, because you think you can say that me and your friends shouldn’t get hurt, but then you act like you don’t even care when it happens to you!

 

BETTY
I’m an orc. We fight, and we wear our scars proudly, and when we die fighting, we think it’s a good death.
(pause)
But I’m also half orc, too, so I have to be tougher than any other orc to be half as good as them. I don’t always get to care.

 

HAWK
I get that too, you know? Like, I don’t just do all this superhero stuff because it’s fun. I, I know I mess up, real bad sometimes. And sometimes I just… get on people’s nerves.
(quickly)
And then I have to be better than the mistakes I am and better than who I am, and be someone that people actually need or else…
(small)
Or else why am I even here?

 

BETTY
Okay, so we both have reasons to go in this quest.

 

HAWK
Yeah, good reasons.
(reassuring herself)
Real good reasons.

 

BETTY
(resigned)
But we probably shouldn’t, should we?

 

HAWK
(defeated)
Yeah, probably not. I’d miss Moth too much if I had to be gone for months, and she’d kill me when I got back if I left without saying goodbye.

 

BETTY
Fina deserves better than getting left behind. Come one, let’s start heading back. And here, take this.

 

HAWK
The knife? Why?
(gasp)
(dramatic tone)
Do you want me to defend us from any more vicious attackers on the way back to the inn?

 

BETTY
(not unkind)
No, I want it to remind you of your mistakes.

 

HAWK
(sarcastic)
Oh, fun.

 

BETTY
It’s not always fun, but it will carry you home.

 

HAWK
(sighs in frustration)
I know, I know, it’s just… Gosh dang it! I was really hoping to get to show off my powers for real before I had to go back to dumb, old, non-magic Earth!

 

BETTY
Shame. You’re powerful.
(inspiration strikes)
But maybe there’s still a chance.

 

HAWK
What do you mean?

 

BETTY
(warmly)
You’re no Fina, but I bet you could come up with a good story for our show before we’re back in town.

 

HAWK
(dawning realization, progressively more excited)
And you’re no Moth but I bet you know where to find us some fantastic local flora to make us look like the most fabulous, traveling forest spirits ever!

 

BETTY
Heh! That’s the spirit!

 

HAWK
(delighted)
This is gonna be awesome! Come on, Betty, I’ll race you back!

 

Background sounds fade.

 

BELTYRE (58:22)

Tavern sounds.

Door creaking.

 

BEE
I… don’t feel good about this. Just… letting everyone go off on their own. Do you really think they’ll be okay?

 

MELTYRE
(slightly hesitant)
Like I said… probably? My friends are usually pretty competent, so I think they’ll be okay.

 

BEE
Usually?

 

MELTYRE
(trying, and failing, to make a joke he doesn’t believe in)
Hah, well, what’s an adventuring party where no one gets stabbed or turned into stone occasionally?

 

BEE
(anxious hum)

 

MELTYRE
But, really, I don’t think anyone is going to get stabbed today. Our own party started with five people and we… still have five so. That’s good right?

 

BEE
Yeah, I, I guess. I, I just. No, never mind. Not gonna think about that. Got bigger…
(beat)
Well, other big things to worry about. So, uhm, what all do we need to make this spell work?

 

MELTYRE
Okay, well, first of all, we need to take inventory of the components of the spell.
(pause)
Then we need to prepare them in a proper manner.
(pause)
Then…

 

BEE
(weirded out, just a little)
Are you okay? S-sorry, you just seem like you’re kind of, uhm, pausing? A lot? For some reason?

 

MELTYRE
Oh, sorry, I… I’m just used to dealing with a lot of interruptions. You don’t have any vaguely relevant questions or tangential morals to impart?

 

BEE
Uhm, no. Not really. I mean, you’re the lead here, so this time I’m just… happy to help you get everything ready and… not have everyone’s safety and well-being riding on my ill-informed decision.

 

MELTYRE
(considering)
Huh, guess I am the lead on this spell. A-and there’s no count down or impending doom over us right now… Actually, this could be the most fun I’ve had a complex spell in a while!

 

BEE
Yeah, let’s do this!

 

MELTYRE
Was that sarcastic?

 

BEE
Oh, uhm, sorry. That was supposed to be earnest. I really am excited to work on this.

 

MELTYRE
Was that sarcastic? Sorry, I—I only ask cause most people I’ve met outside the Circle don’t have much enthusiasm for detailed ritual spellcasting.

 

BEE
Well, I… I do. I’m honestly curious about how magic works here. Can you really just cast a spell to get us home from just using…ingredients?

 

MELTYRE
The material components are just part of it. The power to enact the spell itself has to come from the caster, but without the ingredients to focus the magic, that might just become power going haywire.

 

BEE
So… is magic supposed to work with other components? Uhm, you know, just, uhm…
(lamely)
Uhm… asking for a friend.

 

MELTYRE
Yeah, I thought your friend’s speed did seem an unusual use of power, but there are different kinds of casters. Wizards, warlocks, clerics, they all tend to draw their power from different sources and use it in different ways.

 

BEE
Uh, then, just… out of curiosity, what would you say Hawk most reminded you off?

 

MELTYRE
Honestly, I’m not sure I could say. I’ve seen spell casters who can increase their speed, but not to the degree that she could and not as instantaneously or as often.

 

BEE
(dismayed)
So even here on this magic world you don’t have a clue what these powers are?

 

MELTYRE
That’s… one way to put it.

 

BEE
(increasingly distressed)
And what’s the other? That we’re freaks in every universe?

 

MELTYRE
(trying to comfort)
No! That… that you’re unclassified! And that means you’ve still got the opportunity to try and figure it out!

 

BEE
That’s… probably the nicest way any of us have ever managed to frame it. Thank you.

 

MELTYRE
Oh, you’re welcome. I’m not… usually the best at reassuring people.

 

BEE
(awkwardly)
Uhm, so, anyway, the spell?

 

MELTYRE
(glad to think about that)
Right! The spell! Well, I know the standard way to cast Banishment, but I’m going to have to alter it slightly? So I can send more than two of your group the same day without, like, dying. So, we’ll start with some of the standard elements but in larger quantities. Uh, here.

 

Glass bottles cling.

 

MELTYRE
I have these glass bottles that we’ll need to smash into shards to line the casting area.

 

BEE
Oh, okay. I can… do that.

 

Light thud.

 

MELTYRE
Then I have these jars of vinegar to douse the incense… Uh, but we may need to alter their composition first to make sure they’re acidic enough.

 

BEE
(hello?)
Uhm. Acidic?

 

MELTYRE
Also, important question, red or blue?

 

Chalk being drawn.

 

BEE
(panicked and confused)
For what?

 

MELTYRE
Oh, just the colors for our ritual circle. I… It doesn’t really make a difference, but I do have these nice colored chalks I’ve been saving for a special occasion, so I thought I’d ask.

 

BEE
Oh, uhm, r-red then. Uhm, sorry for already freaking out about this. I’m just really anxious to get us home and getting goal-oriented about anything really does a number on my nerves.

 

MELTYRE
(doesn’t mind)
It’s no trouble, Bee, I get it. I usually get the worse stomachaches when I’m under the pressure to get a spell right. But weirdly enough I’m actually feeling—Oh.

 

Stems being rustled.

 

MELTYRE
(disheartened)
Oh no.

 

BEE
What? Stomachache?

 

MELTYRE
No. Well, yes now. But only because I realized I only have one bundle of western asinus stems.

 

BEE
Which is… bad?

 

MELTYRE
(very nervous now)
Not necessarily. But potentially. It means that we only have one shot at preparing and using them correctly, or, or else we’ll have to travel more than one hundred miles west just to get new samples from where they grow!

 

BEE
(trying for humor)
Oh, ah, well then, we, haha, we better not mess this up, huh?

 

MELTYRE
(awkward laughter)
Yeah.

 

BEE
So, uhm, what do we need to do to… prepare these?

 

MELTYRE
We need to singe them just enough on both ends so that the stems are about half their original length, then we need to use the ashes to draw some of the details of the ritual circle, and the rest of the stems to burn alongside the incense during the casting.
(apologetic)
Also, they’re going to start to smell very bad after we start to burn them, so just… just so you know. So, if you could just find some flint to start a fire or…

 

Fire crackles.

 

MELTYRE
Or just set your hand on fire, sure.

 

BEE
Oh, uhm. Uh. Sorry.

 

Fire dies.

 

BEE
(ashamed)
Sorry, I-I just wanted to help out a little but I… I bet even here that… that’s kind of strange magic.

 

MELTYRE
(curiosity piqued)
No, no, no, no, no. That’s actually… interesting. Can… can you do that again?

 

Fire crackles.

 

MELTYRE
Very interesting. Can you summon that at will?

 

BEE
Mostly, it gets harder when I’m exhausted though.

 

MELTYRE
(curious)
And is it always in this state, too…? This amount of fire or… can it get…?

 

BEE
I can do more things with it, too. Shoot it like a fireball, use it to propel myself…

 

MELTYRE
(in awe)
Really?

 

BEE
(a little proud)
I, uh, I even did fire breath once but, ah, I haven’t been able to duplicate that.

 

MELTYRE
You know, there are people in our world who can work fire spells, but I think even the people who specialize in them don’t have your level in control.
(fascinated)
I almost wish you and your friends could stay longer, just so I could have the chance to study how your powers work.

 

BEE
Trust me, I’d be interested to stay and learn too if… I wasn’t worried about the fact that we left behind such a mess in…

 

A magical zoom of super speed.

Paper tears.

 

HAWK
Hi, Bee!

 

BEE
Eep!

 

A magical zoom of super speed.

Fire crackles intensify.

 

MELTYRE
Bee, are you okay?

 

BEE
Y-yeah, I’m just—
(panicked)
Oh geez, oh geez, oh geez, the floor—

 

MELTYRE
(worried)
Oh gods, here! Let me help with those—

 

BEE
Wait, the stems!

 

MELTYRE
(now dissolving into panic)
When did those catch on fire?

 

BEE
I don’t know!

 

MELTYRE
(completely caught in an anxious panic)
Oh gods, oh gods, oh gods, oh gods! Oh, quick!  What’s the fastest water spell?

 

BEE
I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know!

 

A magical zoom of super speed.

Hawk tap tap taps the fire away.

 

HAWK
You’re welcome!

 

Paper tears.

A magical zoom of super speed.

 

MELTYRE
(processing)
What… what just happened?

 

BEE
(shell shocked)
I… I don’t know, but… but… the floor and… and the… the stems.

 

Ashes crackle.

 

MELTYRE
There’s nothing left but the ashes.

 

TESSA
What’s that terrible smell?

 

BEE
Aaaaaah!

 

Fire breath.

 

BEE
(frustrated)
Why does it always turn out like this? Why can’t anything ever just work?

 

MELTYRE
(equally panicked)
Oh, this is terrible. This is a disaster! I can’t do the spell now! I can’t send you home!

 

BEE
(self-deprecating)
It’s because of my power, isn’t it? It’s always because of my power that everyone else has to be miserable!

 

MELTYRE
(wrecked with guilt)
We’ll have to make a trip to hundreds of miles! Everyone’s lives at risk again! All because I couldn’t handle one ingredient!

 

BEE
I don’t even know why I should bother to look for anything else I hate! This stupid fire is worse than anything else!

 

MELTYRE
What kind of useless wizard drops the one bunch of the most important ingredient! I should be better than this, I’m useless! I’m use—

 

Water whooshes as it’s thrown. Bucket rattles.

 

TESSA
The fire’s out now, you’re welcome.

 

MELTYRE
Thanks, Tessa, uh, but the fire was already out?

 

TESSA
(dryly)
Really? I must have been mistaken by the way you two were panicking as if the whole world was burning.

 

BEE
I… I’m really sorry about your floor, ma’am. I’m sorry. I… I just got startled, and then my power—

 

TESSA
It’s nothing I haven’t seen before, dear. I’d call only a couple of singed floorboards a good day around here.

 

BEE
Oh, well, that—

 

TESSA
I’ll just add the repairs to your friend’s tab.

 

BEE
(ashamed)
Sorry.

 

MELTYRE
Hey, it’s okay. Right now money is the least of my worries. Well, the least of my most pressing worries.

 

BEE
I, uh, I take it you’re a bit of a worrier?

 

MELTYRE
I think I can tell we both are.

 

BEE
(nervous laugh)
Well, at least it seems like magically prompted anxiety is a universal constant. Meltyre… what you were saying earlier… you don’t really think you’re useless, do you?

 

MELTYRE
It’s… It’s not really a thought? At least not a rational one. I know that I’m good at what I do… or at least good enough, and that what I do is useful and helpful to a lot of people. But, at the same time, I’m only as useful as I am right.
(frustrated)
It feels like there’s no room for mistakes anymore, which is terrible, cause I… I used to love experimenting and making mistakes while studying at the Circle. Sometimes, it even feels like I’m… I’m suffocating under the weight of everything I have to get right.

If you don’t mind me asking… do you really hate your magic?

 

BEE
(hesitant and unsure)
I… I don’t know if it’s hate, but I’ve never liked having these powers. Maybe I would like them if they were different, but it feels like all fire is good for is hurt and destruction and… and that’s just not me!
(vulnerable)
Or at least I… I thought it wasn’t… I don’t really know anymore. Ever since I got these powers I’ve done so much and made so many decisions that… really did just end up hurting others.

 

MELTYRE
Would you ever want to give your powers up if you had the chance?

 

BEE
I don’t know, but I still can’t help but feel like things would be better for everyone else if… I wasn’t the one who had these powers.
(beat)
Is it possible to give them up?

 

MELTYRE
(apologetic)
Not as far as I know, sorry. I was only curious because I haven’t met too many sorcerers in my life, and I’ve… always wondered if I would have… regretted becoming one.

 

BEE
What… what’s a sorcerer? Is that what you think we are?

 

MELTYRE
Only if you think that you and your friends all have magical secret bloodlines or other various magical blessings.

 

BEE
Oh… probably not. As far as I know I mostly come from a long bloodline of uh… middle management.

 

MELTYRE
But… but sorcerers do have powers that are more similar to yours. More… innate talents that they call on more freely, and, uhm, when I was a lot younger… I might have gone down that road. The wild magic road. But it was… it was too dangerous.

So, I… chose to be a wizard, to take the right path and study magic in a less… risky way.

 

BEE
(rueful)
Now that I would do, if I… had a choice about it.

 

MELTYRE
Right, but… Here’s the thing I’ve been learning about choices lately: even making the “right” ones doesn’t always mean that the right thing will happen.

Taking the safer path couldn’t stop my parents from… dying. It couldn’t stop my sisters from nearly going hungry while we struggled to put our affairs in order… It couldn’t stop every dangerous ordeal I went through after I decided to become an adventurer for hire to support them.

So… I… I guess what I’m trying to say is… it’s probably not such a bad thing for you to have your powers or that I chose to become a wizard who practices magic the way I do.

Trouble finds everyone eventually, regardless of whether the choices or circumstances were right or wrong.

 

BEE
(slowly)
That… may be slightly less reassuring than you think it is.

 

MELTYRE
Yeah, I know… but it’s all I got. This always seems so much easier when Velune or Fina do it.

 

BEE
But it… it wasn’t that bad. I think I know what you’re trying to say. Trouble happens to everyone, but trouble doesn’t have to be how it ends.

I know it sounds like you haven’t had the easiest go of it but… would you at least say things got… better for you?

 

MELTYRE
(haltingly)
Well, better is hard to qualify. Some things you really can’t make better. I can never bring back my parents. I’ll… probably never be able to return to just… study with the Circle of the Greenish Fire….

 

BEE
Green… ish?

 

MELTYRE
Uhm, yeah. It’s… more sort of aquamarine.
(back to the point)
Anyway, even if I was terrified by adventuring at first, it has at least gotten easier over time and… slightly less terrifying. And for all my struggles, I’ve begun to build enough security so that my sisters won’t have to worry about putting food on the table for a long, long time.

So, I’d say… yeah, things have gotten better.

 

BEE
(a little more hopeful)
R-right. I think it’s… really hard to see it, sometimes, but… things get better more often than we realize. I still don’t like my powers or how weird and uncertain my life’s become but…

At least now I have friends. People I can be open with about those feelings. At least some things are better now, and that happened because I kept trying to make them better.

 

MELTYRE
(understanding)
Right! It’s all about trying and learning from what we’ve tried and trying again! We should all have the chance to do that.

 

BEE
That’s right! I’m not just going to take all of this lying down! Us destroying our first way home wasn’t a mistake, it was a learning experience!

 

MELTYRE
Yeah!
(unsure)
Yeah, right.

 

BEE
And when we do get home, I’ll have learned so much more about what we are and what we can do! I’ll have so much more to share with Fox about our powers!

 

MELTYRE
(lost completely)
Yeah… Uh, wait. Fox?

 

BEE
(not listening at all)
And maybe then I’ll finally have the confidence to tell Prince Lassie to go and stuff it!

 

MELTYRE
W-what?

 

BEE
And I’m going to start it all by taking responsibility here! This was my power’s fault, so I’m going to be the one to fix this.

 

MELTYRE
What do—What do you mean by that?

 

BEE
Just. You. Watch.
(calling out)
Uhm, excuse me, Miss Tessa?

 

TESSA
Yes?

 

BEE
Can you start a tab under my name now? And put the costs to repair your floor under it?

 

MELTYRE
Bee, what are you doing? You don’t have any money!

 

BEE
I know, but I said I wanna try to do better. I don’t wanna hurt anyone or anything with my power, and if I do by mistake, I wanna be the one to fix it, which is why I’ll be the one making the trip to find more of those western asinus stems.

 

MELTYRE
(alarmed)
B—But you can’t!

 

BEE
Why not? It was my fault we lost them!

 

MELTYRE
No, it was mine! So I’ll fix this! I’m sure we don’t need the stems! I’m sure I can figure out something to use in their place! I’ll run experiments night and day on the spell so that no one has to make the trip.

 

BEE
Meltyre, I can’t ask that of you! What about your sisters? What about your group? You can’t just drop everything else if you need to help support them!

 

MELTYRE
I could say the same to you! You and your friends are stranded here on a strange world! You all need to stick together if you’re going to survive!

 

BEE
(insistent)
But I need to get out there and fix this! Or else I’m no good to anyone!

 

MELTYRE
And I need to keep you all safe or I’ll let everyone else down!

 

A rustle.

 

TESSA
(pleasant)
There you go. One bundle of western asinus stems.

 

BEE
Oh.

 

MELTYRE
(bewildered)
Wait, you just had this?

 

TESSA
Of course! What kind of innkeeper doesn’t keep a plentiful stock of western asinus stems? Now do you want these on her tab or yours?

 

MELTYRE
Well, if we have this I-I guess we don’t need a tab for her. Right, Bee?
(worried pause)
Bee?
(beat)
Uh, one moment please, Miss Tessa.

 

TESSA
(dry)
Sure, sure. Not like I have anything else to do but cater to the whims of a few player characters.

 

MELTYRE
W-what’s wrong, Bee? You heard Tessa, you can go home now! And without having to travel a… a hundred miles across an unfamiliar planet!

 

BEE
I know, I know. It’s just… Meltyre, was it just me or… were you getting kind of excited about all this, too?

 

MELTYRE
No, I—I was feeling it, too. Experimenting with spells and investigating with fundamental magic was always my favorite part of studying.
(deep breath)
Being totally involved in solving a problem like that? It really takes your mind off everything else, you know?

 

BEE
And… I know I said I don’t much like risks but… Honestly, one of the only times lately when I’ve actually felt at peace was when literally everything else was out of my control.
(disappointed)
The journey wouldn’t have been easy but… but it would have been peaceful. It would have been a nice break from thinking about our usual troubles.

 

MELTYRE
Yeah, a nice break from thinking about unpaid bills…

 

BEE
And wild friends…

 

MELTYRE
Doomsday spells.

 

BEE
And terrible fires and, uh, uhm… Wait a second.
(politely, hesitantly)
Uhm, Miss Tessa? Do you mind if we um, uh… tear up some of these burnt floorboards? I-I think I need them for our spells and, uhm, eh, and just, since they’re already destroyed and all, I-I just—

 

TESSA
Yes, yes, of course. What do I care about a little more collateral damage?

 

BEE
Uhm, I… I think even if it’s best to go home… I’ll still miss you, Meltyre. I really love my friends and all, but I don’t think they always get what having a head like this feels like.

 

MELTYRE
I… I think I feel the same. It’s been nice having someone to talk to who gets the whole… fire storm in your brain thing. If you do get home, which I’m ninety percent sure you will now, by the way, we’ll have to figure out how to keep in touch.

 

BEE
Don’t worry. I’m sure we’ll make it work.
(pause)
Also… uh… only ninety percent?

 

MELTYRE
I mean, compared to usual that is a very high probability.

 

Background sounds fade away.

 

GOODBYES (1:18:55)

Background sounds of a tavern.

 

MELTYRE
I think I’m almost done here? Just… one more mark on the circle here.

 

Door opens.

 

CAPY
(sing song)
Guess who’s back? Back again?

 

BEE
(alarm)
Oh, geez, the circle. Please don’t step on that.

 

MELTYRE
(loudly)
Don’t move!
(clipped)
Okay. We’re good. Just… careful.

 

STERLING
Is it dangerous?

 

MELTYRE
No. Just, like, a ton of work.

 

BEE
And anxiety.

 

Door opens.

 

FINA
What’s up, folks? We’ve returned from the wilderness!

 

NEWT
And glad to be back in civilization.
(realizes what he just said)
And… disappointed that our standards of civilization are already slipping.

 

BEE
(relieved)
Well, I’m at least glad you guys made it back okay. Did you end up getting what you need?

 

NEWT
After being dragged all the way to a decrepit graveyard? Sure. Here, headstone rubbing.

 

CAPY
(joyful)
Oh, sweet! I’ve got some stupid paper too! You and me, paper buddies!

 

NEWT
(does not want to be a paper buddy)
Great. Wooo…

 

MELTYRE
You guys should hold unto those. Uhm, the way I set up the spell—

 

Door opens.

A magical super speed zoom.

 

HAWK
Do-do-do-doo! The Hawk and the Betty return victorious!

 

FINA
The Betty, huh?

 

BETTY
(fondly)
I kind of like it.

 

Door opens.

 

VELUNE
Hello. Are we the last to arrive?

 

WOLF
One, two, three, four, yep!
(sigh of relief)
Looks like everyone made it back without any trouble!

 

FINA
(lightly)
I mean, there was a little trouble!

 

BETTY
No fun otherwise.

 

NEWT
(baffled)
You people have a funny definition of fun.

 

BEE
Uhm… So, ah, ah. What did you guys end up getting on your trips? Did you, hah, get little papers like Newt and Capy, too?

 

WOLF
No, I actually got this nice little present from Velune!

 

BEE
(confused)
Oh, that actually seems, uh, kind of nice?

 

WOLF
In all fairness, it may also be a deadly cursed item.
(small laugh)

 

BEE
Oh, less nice. So… good. And you Hawk?

 

HAWK
(excitedly)
I got a knife!

 

BEE
Uhhh…

 

VELUNE
Oh dear.

 

MELTYRE
(perturbed)
Is that… blood?

 

FINA
(alright then)
So, we had fun, and Betty had fun. Did you have fun, Sterling?

 

STERLING
(genuinely)
As a matter of fact, I did!

 

VELUNE
Bee, you didn’t go anywhere. Did you get what you need?

 

BEE
Uhm, yes, actually. I… got this little piece of burnt wood and, since it looks like we’ll all be able to do home now, I just wanted to thank you all for your hospitality, and… apologize for your tab at the inn.

 

MELTYRE
It’s seriously okay.

 

VELUNE
We were glad to assist, I’m sure.

 

FINA
Yeah, what else were we gonna do this afternoon?

 

MELTYRE
So, uhm, are you guys ready? All I have to do is cast the spell, everything else is set up.

 

BEE
(shocked)
So, wait. We’re just going to… leave?

 

CAPY
I mean… that was kind of the whole point of this, right?

 

BEE
I know, but that just seems very… sudden.

 

VELUNE
No one says we can’t take a few moments to say goodbye.

 

FINA
Unless you’ve all got somewhere to be.

 

NEWT
(sarcastic)
Hah.

 

FINA
Yeah, yeah, I know. Take care of yourself out there, kid.

 

NEWT
(begrudgingly fond, just a little)
Yeah, I guess. You too, Fina.

 

FINA
(teasing)
After all, you never know, what with the inescapable march of time when your days will be—

 

NEWT
Yeah, okay. We’re done here!
(sniff)

 

FINA
(cackles)

 

HAWK
(disheartened)
I feel like a few moments isn’t nearly enough! Betty, we’ve already been through so much by now! How am I supposed to fit every single kind of goodbye to a friend and a fellow partner in stopping crime and a fellow performer in our one-time, traveling performance group all into a few moments?

 

FINA
Your what now?

 

BETTY
Maybe you try talking a little faster.

 

HAWK
Okay, well, I’ll give it a shot!
(takes a breath and speeds through)
Betty, before I arrived on your Earth, I was having a lot of doubts about my place in my own Earth. I was feeling alienated from my own people, and it was ironic that when I met the aliens here, I began to feel more at home than—

 

BETTY
I’ll miss you too, the Hawk.

 

A HUG.

 

HAWK
(warmly)
Hope we crossover again.

 

VELUNE
Will you be alright back on your Earth, Wolf?

 

WOLF
I think so, friar.
(jokingly)
I mean, assuming I’m not immediately cursed when I get there.

 

VELUNE
I’d try to reassure you, but I think that might defeat the purpose.

 

WOLF
Hah, right. It’s all about facing what comes at you! Curse or blessing or not.
(steadily)
Whatever’s waiting on the other side of that spell, I think I’ll be ready for it.

 

VELUNE
I think you will be, too. Between yourself and your friends, you are much stronger than you think.

 

STERLING
Captain Capy, I… I am… I am not sure what to say. Other than… thank you, perhaps.

 

CAPY
Well, you’re welcome! I guess.
(confused)
But uh… what for, exactly?

 

STERLING
Reminding me of something I’d forgotten.
(earnest)
Oh! And good luck on your rugby game. I am certain you will triumph.

 

CAPY
Thanks, man. And don’t let those hoity-toity knight boys get you down. They try and give you any more crud, and you tell them the captain is always got your back!

 

STERLING
(warm, surprised laughter)
I’ll be sure to.

 

BEE
So, uhm, it’s really almost time to go now, isn’t it?

 

MELTYRE
Uh, yeah. Uhm, Bee?

 

BEE
Yeah, Meltyre?

 

MELTYRE
(oh no, words)
Thanks for… getting it, I guess? I-I don’t know what I’m trying to say.

 

BEE
No, I, uh, I think I… do.
(rambling)
Because I really want to say it, too, because it’s really hard to say it to other people who don’t get it, and then you just get into your head about it until it starts to get to you, but, uh—

 

MELTYRE
No! Yeah, yeah! Like that!

 

BEE
Yeah.

 

MELTYRE
(hesitant)
Are you like… a hugging person?

 

BEE
I… I mean, I can be, but, uh, obviously, of-of course only if you also… hug… too…

 

FINA
Oh my gods, kids, put us out of our misery.

 

THE HUG, THANK YOU FINA.

 

BEE
(softly)
I’ll miss you, Meltyre.

 

MELTYRE
I’ll miss you too, Bee.
(beat)
Okay. Uhm, so here’s what you do: this spell is usually just a single hit, but I’ve modified it so it’s an area of effect. I can only hold it for like a minute or two. As soon as the circle lights up, you take your thing and you just… step through. And hopefully you’ll be home.

 

WOLF
(scandalized)
Hopefully? But, what if—! Ah. Nope! Just gonna let that go.

 

MELTYRE
Listen, unless your whole physical form is aligned with somewhere other than your own world, it should work. Oh, and it’s probably best that you go through one at a time, so you don’t get… scrambled?

 

HAWK
And for dramatic effect, right?

 

MELTYRE
What?

 

FINA
(pleased)
Absolutely. Go ahead, kid.

 

MELTYRE
Right. Okay!

 

Portal opens, a loud rip of air, a magical humm.

 

MELTYRE
Whoo, okay, that’s a rush! You only have one minute, somebody go!

 

HAWK
Oh, oh, oh, oh! Me first! Bye, Betty! Bye, everyone!

 

A magical zoom of super speed,

Another, smaller rip.

 

NEWT
Any way to tell if that worked?

 

MELTYRE
I wish!

 

STERLING
Yes, that’d be far too easy.

 

MELTYRE
She… should be through.

 

NEWT
Well, between the uncertainty and magical oblivion and the rest of my life without indoor plumbing, I know what I’d choose, so. Later.

 

FINA
Bye, Newt.

 

Another, smaller rip.

 

VELUNE
Are you ready, Wolf?

 

WOLF
(takes a steadying breath)
Yes. Goodbye, Friar. Bee, Capy, I’ll see you on the other side.

 

Another, smaller rip.

 

CAPY
Well, ain’t nothing else for it. Keep it cool, Sterling! Later, other magical folks of other Earth. I’ll see y’all on the flip side!

 

STERLING
Goodbye, Captain!

 

Another, smaller rip.

 

BEE AND MELTYRE
Uhm—

 

MELTYRE
I uhm…

 

BOTH
Sorry—

 

FINA
(exasperated)
Look, I find this as entertaining as anyone, but Meltyre is wilting as we speak. Bee, you go first.

 

BEE
Okay, sorry. I just, I just, uhm… more of the same as before, but I’m… I’ll… Goodbye, Meltyre. This was weird and stressful, but, also, I really hope we can meet again someday.

 

MELTYRE
(rushed and strained)
Yeah, me too. I-I-I’ll see if I can figure something out after…after I’ve recovered from this. I’m sorry, Bee, I can’t hold this open much longer…

 

BEE
Oh, oh! I-I am so sorry! I’ll just—Bye!

 

MELTYRE
Good luck! Uhm, don’t die?

 

BEE
(laugh)

 

Another, smaller rip.

The portal collapses, fizzles out.

 

MELTYRE
(out of breath)
Oh gods. Oof. That was… the coolest spell I’ve ever done!

 

FINA
Really, that one?

 

MELTYRE
I need to write this down!

 

STERLING
(fondly)
I’m going to miss them, I think.

 

VELUNE
Betty, are you wounded?

 

BETTY
Nah.

 

FINA
(unimpressed)
No, you are. That’s a stab wound. Who stabbed you?

 

BETTY
A thief. Just a little stab.

 

FINA
Oh, you got thieves? I got skeletons! What did you fight, Sterling?

 

STERLING
We played bandy with some children.

 

FINA
Seriously?

 

VELUNE
(gently)
Let me see your arm, Betty.

 

MELTYRE
(tired)
I think I need a nap.

 

FINA
How about a drink?

 

MELTYRE
Oh, sure.

 

FINA
Anyone else?

 

Dialogue fades out.

Background sounds fade out.

Inn Between theme.

 

OUTRO (1:28:06):

CLAUDIA
This crossover episode featured voices from the cast of The Beacon: Claudia Elvidge, Sarah Ruth Thomas, Alicia Atkins, Robert Baulderstone and Beatrice Blackwell.

 

HANNAH
And the cast of Inn Between: Marquis Dijon Archuleta, Kaleigh Christopher, Riley Jones, Kira Mills and Austin Mowat.

 

CLAUDIA
Additional voices by:

 

HANNAH
Guendalina Cilli

 

CLAUDIA
Brad Colbrook

 

HANNAH
Danyelle Ellet

 

CLAUDIA
Kendon Luscher

 

HANNAH
Tal Minear

 

CLAUDIA
Hannah Wright

 

HANNAH
And William Wright.

Written by Claudia Elvidge and Hannah Wright. Directed by Hannah and edited and sound designed by Claudia.

 

CLAUDIA
Find The Beacon at https://www.thebeaconpodcast.com

 

HANNAH
And find Inn Between at thegoblinshead.com.

 

BOTH
Thanks for listening!

 

Theme song spikes then fades away.

Music ends.

Episode ends.

 

 

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