Time for some new heroes to change the game.
Transcript is below the cut!
Transcript provided by Ria Couoh.
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(00:00) INTRO:
HANNAH
Hi everyone! Hannah here, with a couple of things before maybe my favorite bonus episode I’ve ever written.
TESSA
It’s that good, is it?
HANNAH
I sure like it!
TESSA
Well then, I’ll get going with the Patreon shoutout. We would like to thank Amaya Nyx for being our patron.
HANNAH
Great name.
TESSA
Amaya Nyx!
HANNAH
(ghostly voice)
Amaya Nyx!
TESSA
A-mah-yah Nyx!
HANNAH
Hey, Tessa?
TESSA
Oh, right, we have more to do.
HANNAH
If you’d like to become our patron, go to patreon.com/thegoblinshead.
TESSA
What’s the other matter?
HANNAH
Stick around after the episode for a promo from a friend of ours, The Heart Pyre. That’s P-Y-R-E.
It’s a wonderful fantasy story where you, the listener, get to decide what happens next.
TESSA
They get to choose their own adventure?
HANNAH
Sure, you could put it like that.
TESSA
Oh, I can’t wait!
HANNAH
And now, with no further ado…
TESSA
Right then, let’s go someplace… familiar.
HANNAH
Ooh, mysterious!
TESSA
Well, you wrote the thing.
HANNAH
I know! Let’s go!
Inn Between theme plays in the background.
Inn Between theme fades.
(01:54) SESSION ZERO.
Chairs squeaking against floor, clothes rustling.
TERESA
Alright, everyone, I have a general idea of what this campaign is going to look like but, as usual, I need your characters to make it absolutely perfect.
ALEX
(excitedly)
So! Is it a big bad evil guy or a MacGuffin this time?
RIVER
You always make it sound so reductive, Alex.
ALEX
I can’t help it if all stories are ultimately all stories are the same story! It’s just lit theory!
EM
It’s kind of mean.
ALEX
Em, the theory is not mean. It’s not like… a bad thing.
(decidedly)
Teresa! I like your campaigns!
TERESA
Thank you!
(beat)
It’s a MacGuffin.
ALEX
Score!
MICHAEL
I… do like a clear objective.
CAL
As long as there’s stuff to hit!
TERESA
I don’t think you’ll be disappointed. Okay, who wants to go first, Cal?
CAL
Yeah, okay! I’m sure you’ll all be real surprised that I’ll be your tank for this campaign!
MICHAEL
(subtle sarcasm)
Ah, no one could have predicted.
ALEX
(obvious sarcasm)
Complete shocker!
CAL
Yeah, yeah. I’m doing a dragonborn fighter, she/they pronouns.
MICHAEL
And your… tragic backstory this time?
CAL
Oh! Thank you for reminding me! Teresa, can I DM you about some lore?
TERESA
Oh, I love lore. Of course!
CAL
Cool, that’s all I’ll say ‘til then.
ALEX
(offended gasp)
I can’t believe you’re withholding your tragic backstory like this!
CAL
(self-satisfied)
It’s so much more fun for me when you find it out by accident.
RIVER
What about the math?
CAL
What?
RIVER
The math! What math will you be inflicting on us this time?
CAL
I… don’t know what you’re talking about?
ALEX
Oh, come on.
EM
Base twelves, statistics…
CAL
Oh, that! Uhm…
(sheepish)
Economics?
RIVER
(through laughter)
Horrifying!
ALEX
You’re a monster.
CAL
Not my fault you guys can’t math!
EM
Can I go next?
TERESA
Of course! What you got, Em?
EM
I’m playing Phoebe, she’s a dwarf artificer, some really good chewy mechanics. Also, gadgets!
TERESA
Who doesn’t love gadgets? Cool, okay.
EM
Oh! And you remember that thing I sent you? About disability mechanics?
TERESA
… Yes, I bookmarked it.
EM
(passionately)
I’ll DM you with the rest of what I’m thinking. I’m in love with her already.
CAL
Why do you do that?
EM
Do what?
CAL
Why do you build the real min-max’ed character and then socially nerf them?
EM
I didn’t nerf Rosie!
RIVER
I don’t know, a criminal who desperately needs to be liked is pretty nerfed.
EM
(with dawning realization)
Oooh…
Because it’s interesting! And just because I like to have an interesting character doesn’t mean I have to roll bad.
MICHAEL
Hm, can’t argue with that. I’ll go next.
TERESA
Go ahead, Michael.
MICHAEL
I think, uhm…
(mildly)
I think you all are going to hate this one.
RIVER
You said that about Sterling.
ALEX
(excitedly, loving)
Ah! My boy!
RIVER
And then you said it about Zara.
ALEX
(brimming with passion)
My girl!
TERESA
(laughing)
Sorry, Michael, but you keep trying to make awful, hateful characters and they always end up the party darling.
MICHAEL
I mean it this time. Because… with your permission, I’d like to play an NPC we’ve met before.
ALEX
Don’t you dare.
MICHAEL
Wait, sorry, what?
ALEX
Don’t you do it, Michael, don’t you steal my idea!
MICHAEL
You… also want to play an NPC?
ALEX
If you steal mine, I swan to John—
TERESA
Hey, Alex. Let Michael speak.
If you both want to play the same person… maybe we can work something out.
CAL
What? Like two minds in one body?
EM
How would you RP that?
TERESA
Shush, it’s Michael’s turn.
MICHAEL
Uhm, I really enjoyed being a sorcerer, so I think I want to play… Larkin.
ALEX
(delightedly)
You want to play your own evil twin?
MICHAEL
No, see, Larkin is the good twin. Or, at least, he thinks he is!
RIVER
(teasing)
Oh, that’s insufferable.
MICHAEL
Exactly.
CAL
We are going to found family the heck out of this guy!
ALEX
(chuckles)
(excitedly)
Get his ass!
RIVER
I’m glad I’m not the only one doing a repeat class.
CAL
I mean, I also did that.
ALEX
Yeah, but we all expected that! You playing a… warlock again, River?
RIVER
Definitely not. We need a healer this time. No offense, Alex.
ALEX
None taken! I… could have prepped more healing spells for Tode.
MICHAEL
(pointedly)
Oh! You could have, could you?
ALEX
Come on, nobody died!
MICHAEL
We all almost died in the demon fight!
RIVER
(with fake disappointment)
So, nobody wants to hear about my cleric?
EM
(gently)
I do, River.
CAL
Yeah, ignore them.
RIVER
Their name is Rukes and they’re a cleric of Sune, that… love goddess we were talking about in the chat?
TERESA
Lore! Yes!
RIVER
Yeah! I liked the ideas we were coming up with, so I thought the dynamic there would be fun to explore!
MICHAEL
With this party, we’re going to need a calming presence.
RIVER
(innocently)
Who said they were a calming presence?
EM
Don’t forget, River’s characters always have terrible secrets.
CAL
Yeah… What is Rukes hiding?
RIVER
I’m offended at the very suggestion.
ALEX
Which just means she’ll talk to Teresa later…
TERESA
Oh, she already did. You’re going to like Rukes.
RIVER
Thank you!
TERESA
And… last but not least?
ALEX
(beat)
(snaps his fingers)
Oh, it’s my turn!
MICHAEL
So… I didn’t steal your idea?
ALEX
Oh, no, my friend.
(darkly)
I have something much worse in mind.
CAL
Don’t leave us in suspense!
ALEX
All right. I want to play… dramatic pause.
(beat)
Max!
MICHAEL
What?
TERESA
(thrilled)
No.
ALEX
I liked being a nature boy! But I miss being a lovable scoundrel. Therefore…
(dreamily)
Max!
EM
(quickly)
This party’s going to be incredible!
CAL
You absolute mad lad!
MICHAEL
As… long as you don’t break out your guitar again.
ALEX
Hey, I’m great at guitar!
EM
(dubious noises)
MICHAEL
(noise of disbelief)
ALEX
(scoffs)
And you call yourselves my friends.
RIVER
So, it’s a dragonborn fighter with a yet to be determined tragic backstory, a rowdy mercenary ranger, a tiefling sorcerer with some kind of complex, and a dwarf artificer!
ALEX
And, apparently, a cleric with a secret who is not calming at all!
TERESA
Sounds like the perfect party to me! Let’s roll some stats!
ALEX
Yeah!
Dice rolling.
Papers shuffling.
TERESA
So, do you want the stat block I made for Max, or do you want to start over?
RIVER
I already rolled my character!
EM
Do I need a high wisdom if we have Rukes?
CAL
I’m going for some feats this time!
(08:38) OUTRO:
Inn Between theme plays in the background.
(08:42) CREDITS:
HANNAH
This episode, “Session Zero”, was written by Hannah Wright and directed by William Wright. It was produced and edited by Katherine Ayers.
The voice of Teresa is Hannah Wright. The voice of River is Claudia Elvidge of The Beacon and Starfall. The voice of Em is ItMe from the amazing microfiction show InCo. The voice of Cal is Tal Minear from Sidequesting, Someone Dies in This Elevator, Re: Dracula, and…so many others. The voice of Alex is Austin Mowat. Maybe you know him from something? And the voice of Michael is C.S.W. from the show Incarnation Read.
Our theme song is by Eli Hamada McIlveen and our artwork is by Gabrielle Buxman. Our transcriber is Ria Couoh.
Transcripts for this and every episode can be found on our website, thegoblinshead.com.
Find and follow us on Twitter, @inn_between_. Or support us on patreon, at patreon.com/thegoblinshead.
If you like the show, craft an intricate meta-narrative of your favorite story. Or leave us a review.
Thanks for listening!
Music ends.
HANNAH
This story was created in the traditional territory of the Arapaho, Cheyenne, and Ute peoples, and edited in the unceded territory of the Salish, Kootenai, and Kalispel peoples.
(10:12) POST-CREDITS: THE HEART PYRE.
Transcript adapted by Ria Couoh.
Lonely Dusty Trail by Jon Presstone.
AUDREY
What would you do if one day you came home to find your hometown destroyed by fire? What if people told you that it isn’t the first time something like this has happened? That more towns have disappeared like this, but somehow no one has tried doing anything about it.
When Rena comes home to the ruins of her town and finds a strange artifact in the debris, she can’t shake the feeling that something isn’t adding up. That it couldn’t just have been an accident that caused this tragedy.
And so, she sets out to discover what actually happened, encountering other people on her journey that know that the authorities aren’t telling them everything.
But luckily, Rena isn’t alone on her quest for the truth because you can help her take the right path.
Transition sound – page turning.
AUDREY
It began with the smell.
She frowned down at the ground, her smile falling from her lips, her nose picking up something that hadn’t been there a second ago. She looked up and sniffed the air. She couldn’t place the smell but as she got closer to her village it grew stronger.
Her frown deepened as she realized that she was smelling fire. Not a cozy, wooden fire that fills your heart with warm feelings of home. It was a vile, biting smell that brought horrible news with it.
It smelled of burned wood, scorched dirt, hot metal, and behind it all was a smell that Rena’s mind didn’t dare place. Something that made her stomach tighten and turn. It smelled like scorched hair, melted fat and boiling blood.
The smell tore its way to her nose and clutched itself to her lungs so that it would never leave her mind again.
Transition sound – page turning.
AUDREY
The Heart Pyre is an interactive fantasy audio drama, where after each episode, listeners can vote for how the story should continue. Find the podcast on your favorite listening platform and follow it on social media to get the latest updates, or go to theheartpyre.com to find transcripts, character art, a map of the kingdom, and other information.
EPISODE ENDS.