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5.3: The Misfire

The Lowlifes miss the mark.

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Transcript provided by Ria Couoh.
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(00:00) INTRO:
HANNAH
Hi, everyone! Hannah, here.
Stick around after the show to hear a trailer from a podcast we love!
The Lucky Die is an actual play, and you know how we love actual plays, that takes place at what might be the end of the world. Or is it?
(delighted)
Maybe!
Watch as some pretty messed up people try to stop the apocalypse and become better themselves!
I mean, honestly, did they just make this show for me?
(chuckles)
That’s The Lucky Die, spelled D-I-E. Go check them out!
But first, let’s go to the Inn!

(00:28): PREVIOUSLY ON…
TESSA
Previously on Inn Between…

Inn Between theme plays in the background.

LARKIN
Explosives make me kind of nervous!

PHOEBE
I know what I’m doing.

YAK
Something wrong with your canon, Phoebe?

PHOEBE
I don’t think so… It’s just—
(loud, high-pitched with worry)
Larkin, look out!

A loud boom.
Inn Between theme fades.

(01:29) THE MISFIRE.
Door creaks open.
Background sounds of a tavern.
Several sets of footsteps. Crutches on wooden floor.

LARKIN
I’m okay. I think.

YAK
You sure? It was a pretty impressive fireball.

RUKES
Does that mean you don’t need a potion?

Chairs scrape against wooden floor.

LARKIN
I don’t think so. Can someone check my neck?

MAX
Check for what?

LARKIN
Feels like it might be burned.

Chair scrapes against wooden floor.

PHOEBE
I’ll check.

Footsteps. Crutches clack against the floor.

LARKIN
(sullen)
Thank you.

Pause.

PHOEBE
What am I looking for?

LARKIN
Does… does my skin look unusually red or blistered or…?

PHOEBE
(apologetic)
I… can’t tell…?

LARKIN
(glumly)
Well, it’s probably fine. It doesn’t hurt much.

PHOEBE
Okay.

Chair scrapes against wooden floor.

MAX
You’re a lucky guy, Larkin. Not to be burned by an explosion that impressive.

LARKIN
(humorous)
I don’t burn easily.
(quietly, unhappily)
Benefit of being a tiefling.

YAK
You ever see another explosion that big, Max?

MAX
Mm. Here and there. Cybilene can really blow things up if it suits her.

LARKIN
Who’s Cybilene?

YAK
A wizard we used to run around with. Incredibly skilled.

MAX
(bitterly)
Too bad she’s also incredibly gullible.

YAK
Can you do magic like that?

LARKIN
(nervously)
Me? I… Theoretically, sure, but I try to be more controlled than that!

RUKES
Could do to be a bit less controlled.

LARKIN
What do you mean?

RUKES
You fight like you’re afraid.

LARKIN
It pays to be cautious!

RUKES
(sarcastic)
Oh, pays well, does it?

LARKIN
I… Uhm—

RUKES
(cutting him off)
It’s all well and good to talk about magical explosions. Everyone has seen a good magical explosion.

MAX
So… we’re talking non-arcane?

YAK
Oh, that is a more interesting question.

MAX
Alright, yeah!
(amused)
What about that time you collapsed that wall and started a landslide?

YAK
A landslide’s not an explosion.

MAX
Come on!

LARKIN
Why did you cause a landslide?

RUKES
I’m with the lizard on this one. Doesn’t count.

YAK
I’m a dragon, Rukes, not a lizard. Get it right.

MAX
(giddy)
What about the time Killiker blew those devices with just his voice and took out a guard tower? When we were down south?

LARKIN
A guard tower?

YAK
Ooh! What was the rigger’s name?
(dubious)
Shail?

MAX
(on the border of laughter)
Shoal! Like a school of fish!

YAK
Right! The Kuo-toa!

LARKIN
(horrified)
You… you were friends with a Kuo-toa?

RUKES
Good explosion?

YAK
I mean, it was okay.

MAX
(with exaggerated offense)
You’re judging Shoal’s work? You monster!

YAK
(amused, unimpressed)
It served its purpose, but mostly just flung a bunch of rock and sand! Wasn’t even very loud.

RUKES
Not even close to Phoebe’s then.

MAX
Eh. I suppose not.

YAK
What about you then, Rukes? Ever seen a better, non-magical explosion?

RUKES
Once.

MAX
Where?

RUKES
Just last week, actually.

YAK
Well, go on, then. Tell the story.

RUKES
That’s the town we started from. Agglomeracion? You hear about that mine accident?

MAX
I heard the accident itself! It was massive!

LARKIN
I wasn’t there long enough to get any local gossip. What happened?

RUKES
(conspiratorially, dramatic)
All their explosives went off… at once.

Pause.

YAK
All of them?

RUKES
All of them.

LARKIN
Was anyone hurt?

RUKES
(matter-of-factly)
Two people died.

LARKIN
Gods.

MAX
And you were there?

RUKES
Just down the tunnel. The mine has these access tunnels that branch off from the entrance to the town. I was passing by one of them when I heard the boom.

YAK
I heard the whole mine collapsed.

RUKES
No. Just one of the larger caverns. Almost everyone got out, though, even then. They have some kind of… magical protective equipment? It can teleport you out of a cave-in, I guess, has some fire and impact protection too.

LARKIN
(concerned)
What about the two that died?

RUKES
One was at the center of the explosion. Only so much magic can do. The other one… I don’t know. Never heard exactly what happened. Some freak accident with the safety equipment, maybe?

YAK
Strange.

MAX
Mm… Back on topic, if you please. Industrial accidents aren’t fun.
(lightly)
I prefer Phoebe’s explosion, where no one got hurt.

LARKIN
Wh…? I mean, I got hurt—!

YAK
(cheerily)
And had a fireball.

MAX
A gorgeous fireball!

RUKES
Good sound, too. Nice pop to it.

LARKIN
(reluctantly, awkward)
The… the resonance was impressive.

PHOEBE
(small, hurt, shaky)
Okay, I’ll go.

Chair scrapes against wooden floor.

YAK
What?

PHOEBE
I understand. It’s fine. I’ll leave.

A soft footstep. Crutches hit wooden floor.

MAX
(taken aback)
Phoebe, hang on!
What is it you understand? I think I’m missing something.

PHOEBE
(growing louder with distress)
That my cannon blew up? I hurt Larkin, I drew attention! I…
(her voice cracks)
I failed you.
(quietly, heartbroken)
So, I’ll… go.

YAK
Oh, no. Phoebe.

RUKES
(incredulous)
What?
(scoffs)
Did you think we were being passive aggressive, really?

PHOEBE
(sharply)
You don’t have to pretend you want me here.

LARKIN
We do want you here. Come on, don’t we?

RUKES
(annoyed)
Could you sound any less convincing if you really tried?

MAX
(seriously, determined)
I want you here. I wanted you specifically, because I spent weeks looking for the best artificer in these mountains and everyone said to go to you.

PHOEBE
But the cannon—!

MAX
It was an accident.
(softer)
You said it was an accident, didn’t you?

PHOEBE
Yes, but—

YAK
(soothingly)
Accidents happen, love.

PHOEBE
(anxiously)
But Larkin got hurt and…!

MAX
Hard feelings, Larkin?

LARKIN
Uh, no! No, of course not! I’m alright.

MAX
You sure?

LARKIN
Yes, I’m fine. It barely stung.

MAX
(brightly)
There! See?

PHOEBE
(hesitantly)
You don’t want me to go?

RUKES
I mean, we could probably find another artificer.

MAX
I don’t want another artificer. I want her.
(gently)
Please, come sit down. You’ve been walking on those crutches all day. Give them a break?

Chair scrapes against wooden floor.

YAK
Don’t worry, Phoebe. Max doesn’t kick people to the curb for accidents. If they did, I’d be long gone.

PHOEBE
Really?

YAK
Oh, sure.

MAX
Now, you’re not exactly the accident-prone type, Yak.

YAK
No? That landslide I mentioned? Not on purpose! Completely my mistake.

LARKIN
(dubiously)
And how do you start a landslide by mistake?

YAK
It’s surprisingly easy.

MAX
Maybe it is for some of us!

YAK
(proudly)
Yes, I’m very strong.

LARKIN
What happened? Was anyone hurt?

YAK
Of course they were.
(flatly)
It was a landslide.

LARKIN
That you caused!

YAK
Well, it’s not like anyone causes a landslide on purpose!

RUKES
(flatly)
Yeah, who would do something like that?

MAX
The point is if we want you to leave, we’ll just tell you so. No games.

PHOEBE
No games.

MAX
Promise.

PHOEBE
(beat)
(rushed)
Okay.

RUKES
What happened to you?

PHOEBE
What do you mean?

YAK
(tiredly)
Leave her be, Rukes.
Anyway, I have a different question for her.

PHOEBE
Okay?

YAK
Is that the biggest explosion you’ve ever caused?

PHOEBE
Oh! Uhm…
(delighted, proud)
No. Not even close.

MAX
Oho!

YAK
I have to know more.

LARKIN
(suspiciously)
Are you the sort of artificer who… blows things up on purpose?

RUKES
Basically, are you a fun artificer or a… stuffed shirt like Larkin?

LARKIN
Oh…! Come on.

PHOEBE
Sometimes you have to guess and see what happens!

YAK
(warmly)
And sometimes what happens is carnage!

PHOEBE
(chuckles)
Sometimes.

Background sounds of tavern fade away.

(09:22) OUTRO:
(09:23) NEXT TIME ON…

Inn Between theme plays in the background.

TESSA
Next time, on Inn Between…

LARKIN
I’ve heard that the woods coming up are infested with bandits!

MAX
I’m sure we won’t have much trouble with that.

YAK
It’s not us I’m worried about.

(09:38) CREDITS:
HANNAH
This episode, “The Misfire”, was written and directed by Hannah Wright with assistant director William Wright. The show is produced and edited by Katherine Ayers.
The voice of Larkin is Mason Amadeus. The voice of Max is Malcolm Jay. The voice of Phoebe is Soulara Jane Joslin. The voice of Yak is Emma Laslett. The voice of Rukes is CJ Tanuan.
Our theme song is by Eli Hamada McIlveen, and our artwork is by Gabrielle Buxman. Our transcriber is Ria Couoh. Special thanks to Emma Wright for foley assistance.
Transcripts for this and every episode can be found on our website, thegoblinshead.com.
If you like the show, engage in some amateur pyrotechnics. Or leave us a review.
Thanks for listening!

Music ends.

HANNAH
This story was created in the traditional territory of the Arapaho, Cheyenne, and Ute peoples, and edited in the unceded territory of the Salish, Kootenai, and Kalispel peoples.

(10:51) POST-CREDITS:
Background sounds of tavern.

TESSA
The other day someone asked me how much of the Inn I’ve replaced over the years, and then they asked me if it’s still the same Inn after I’ve replaced every part.
And then a shingle fell on their head, so I think the Inn has a very clear idea of who it is.

Background sounds of tavern fade away.

(11:15) PROMO: THE LUCKY DICE
Ominous music led by a piano.

VOLONDA
You see, looking up from the ground, bloodred clouds boiling across the sky.

CALINMOURN
You did ask me to bring The Thunder!
(cruel laugh)

SQUASH
Daechin! Daechin! Help! I’ve got the Chalice, please!

DAECHIN
Well, if they’re following you, then I guess that takes care of a loose end for me.
(dark chuckle)

VOLONDA
All of you feel the earth beneath you shake and crack and break.

LAFIAN
I feel that I have failed both of you, and I am sorry for that.

ZALTANNA
This has nothing to do with you being a bad leader.

VOLONDA
Do you want a count down? Oh, I think I want a count down. Three.

RHAL
I wanted to help.

VOLONDA
Two.

RHAL
I always had good intentions.

VOLONDA
One.

RHAL
I did not deserve to die.

VOLONDA
Now!

NEIL
The Lucky Die podcast is a weekly, 5E Dungeons & Dragons, actual play podcast. Join our adventure every Monday, wherever you download podcasts by searching for: The Lucky Die.

EPISODE ENDS.

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