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FEED DROP: Dragon’s Rest

A little sidequest for everyone: check out the new show Dragons Rest! Find Dragon’s Rest at DragonsRestShow.com, on instagram @DragonsRestShow, and wherever you get your podcasts.

Transcript is below the cut!

Downloadable PDF Transcript

NARRATOR
Hail, traveler! This humble inn bids you welcome.
Our rooms are cheap, our ale cheaper, and the stories are on the house. What say you to tales of high magics, great deeds, and impossible heroes?
Really? Ah. I’ve never gotten this far, honestly. Most take their drink and leave… without a tip, mind you. Unfortunately, I don’t have many such legends to share, though, I do know where they start.
You see, all great adventures must begin with the heroes meeting in a tavern. The drink softening their hard edges, the beds offering respite for the journey at hand. I know of one such tap house…
It is the one you and I stand in now! A place known to all, as the Dragon’s Rest!

Theme music plays.

NARRATOR
(opening narration)
In the city of Far Water, heroic hopefuls seek out their maiden quests in seedy bars. But this is not their story. This is the story of those who make their home within such a tavern. The servers, minstrels, drunks, and more, whose lives center around the Dragon’s Rest.
This week’s tale… Freelance Heroism.

FREELANCE HEROISM.
NARRATOR
Once upon a time, the Dragon’s Rest was still owned and operated by a retired hero, an orc, Shax.

SHAX
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, and then the evil wizard was dead, and you got the girl. I’ve heard it before. Just take the beer.

BAR PATRON #1
But everyone else loves that story…

NARRATOR
Shax may have lacked the hospitality expected of a barkeep. However, she did possess the grit which one needs when serving alcohol to emotionally stunted maniacs with god complexes. Or the unemployed bards responsible for those complexes…

SHAX
Nolan, your mead.

NOLAN
Ooh, cheers!

SHAX
It’s on the house if you promise not to play your lute today.

GILROY
Ah c’mon Shax, let her play! How’s she supposed to get any better with you holding her back.

NARRATOR
This new player in our story was known as Gilroy. Shax had found it hard to maintain many regulars, as her clientele made their living risking life and limb. Conveniently, all Gilroy had interest in risking was his liver.

SHAX
She’s welcome to improve in her own home, but if I have to hear it here, I’m leaping off the King’s Spire. No offense, Nolan.

NOLAN
None taken, Shax.

GILROY
Just give the girl one song!

SHAX
No.

GILROY
Boo– Let her play, c’mon! Let her play! LET HER PLAY! C’MON! LET HER PLAY!

PATRONS
LET HER PLAY! LET HER PLAY!

SHAX
SHUT IT!

Bar goes quiet.

SHAX
How do you do that?

GILROY
Mmm… natural charm?

SHAX
ONE SONG! And I’m cutting you off, Gilroy.

GILROY
Inhumane.

SHAX
Go on, Nolan. Make it a good one!

Nolan plays badly.

NOLAN
C’mon! Somebody dance! It’s lively!

PATRON #1
MY MUM HAS MORE LIFE IN HER! AND SHE’S BEEN DYING OF PLAGUE FOR THE LAST WEEK!

Music stops.

NOLAN
Oh… Baldric, I’m so sorry. Are you doing okay?

PATRON #1
I — It’s actually been really hard.

NOLAN
This one goes out to my man, Baldric!

Music restarts.

PATRON #2
YOU SUCK!

Music stops.

SHAX
HEY! You all asked for this! Pipe up again, and you’re dancing along at spear-tip!

Music restarts.

GILROY
Oooh, you are testier than normal today.

SHAX
So why are you testing me?

GILROY
If I didn’t, then no one would. What is it?

SHAX
I love the Dragon’s Rest, I do. I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have it… BUT, I MEAN, THE STORIES! Everyone here comes in with a new embellished self-legend to assault my ears with daily.

GILROY
That’s why you never ask for mine?

SHAX
You actually have to leave the bar to have adventures, Gilroy.

GILROY
Aha, you– You don’t know everything, I’ve got stories!

SHAX
If I don’t find some way of dealing with this by the harvest ceremonies, then I’m selling the joint.

GILROY
Wha– Hold on! So you’re going to give up one of the best alehouses in all of Far Water, unless someone can– can what? Get this crowd to stop being their own troubadours? I would not wager pocket lint on those odds, but I’m no betting man.

Music stops.

NOLAN
I thought you lost your left shoe in a card game last week?

GILROY
And I’ll lose my right one up your ass, Nolan!

Scene transition music.

NARRATOR Now, all stories need a hero. Heroes should be strong, dashing, and preferably from the dominant race of whatever nation you’re in. Due to Far Water’s mostly human demographics, our protagonist fits one third of that bill. A young man named Billy Barlow.

TOWN-CRIER
HARVEST CEREMONIES WILL BE HELD AT THE 28TH OF LENAY! DON’T MISS THE BLACK KNIGHT AT THE KING’S TOURNAMENT! ENJOY APPLE BOBBING FROM THE BOILING ACID LAKES BENEATH THE CASTLE! TICKETS ARE 40 CROWN, OR YOUR FIRSTBORN! HARVEST CEREMONIES WILL BE HELD ON THE TWENTY-EIGHTH OF LENAY–

BILLY
Excuse me!

NARRATOR
There he is.

BILLY
Sorry to bother you, I really was enjoying the professional shouting you were doing.

TOWN-CRIER
Have you been crying?

BILLY
Hmm? Oh yes, I’ve never been to a city so big. I’ve never been to a city at all! I’m just… taken by the grandeur of it. I’m looking for a good inn.

TOWN-CRIER
“Hello” works for me. Maybe ask them about their day?

BILLY
No, uh, sorry, a tavern.

TOWN-CRIER
There are– There are plenty of hostels and bars… just walk about.

BILLY
Every one I’ve walked into hasn’t been quite the right fit.

TOWN-CRIER
You don’t look like a particularly wealthy–

BILLY
I’m sorry! I don’t mean luxury. I’m looking for a place, where adventures can be found!

TOWN-CRIER
Right, well there’s a pub not too far up the way like that. You should know, it’s no easy-sipping lounge.

BILLY
Then it’s just the place.

TOWN-CRIER
Hang right on Bear Street, then bear left on Hangford.

BILLY
THANK YOU!

Billy leaves.

TOWN-CRIER
He won’t last till dawn. HARVEST CEREMONIES WILL BE HELD ON THE TWENTY-EIGHTH OF LENAY–

Scene transition music.

GILROY
Ooh, your favorite is walking over.

SHAX
Who? Oh, gods.

Magnus enters.

MAGNUS
Hallo, Shax.

SHAX
Ale, Magnus?

MAGNUS
Howsabout company instead?

SHAX
Innkeeper is an old profession, but I think you’ve mistaken me for the oldest.

MAGNUS
Have you heard of the great beastie I felled in the sewers this morning?

GILROY
(gasp)
Your mom finally croaked?

SHAX
(laughs)

MAGNUS
My mother is one of the finest beauties the dwarven folk have ever produced!

SHAX
And I’m sure that’s a very normal thing dwarves say about their mothers. Now do you want a drink, or a room?

MAGNUS
I’ll take a round for my mates.

NARRATOR
It was at this moment, that Billy Barlow stepped through the doorway of the Dragon’s Rest, fingers thumbing through a raggedy leather-bound tome.

BILLY
Right, so what does Reginald do at this point? “He entered the bar, and approached the mysterious figure with the beard and inquired about a quest.” Well, simple enough. Hello there, kind stranger!

GILROY
Mmm-mm, I’ve got no coin for you, man.

BILLY
No, sorry, I–

SHAX
For him? You’ve no coin for yourself, Gilroy! Do you want me to read your tab off?

GILROY
Mercy, please.

BILLY
I’m sorry but–

SHAX
Oh right, here’s two crown, and I can get you some stale bread if–

GILROY
Shax, don’t give him the stale bread! He’s hungry.

SHAX
You just turned him away, full stop!

BILLY
I’M NOT A BEGGAR!

GILROY
Why are we giving you stale bread, then?

BILLY
I don’t know!

SHAX
Well, what can I get you?

BILLY
Oh! Well, my name is Billy, Billy Barlow, and I’m on a quest, or, rather, a quest for a quest. I’m seeking–

SHAX
Eh-yeah, there’s a gig board in the back if you need work.

BILLY
Thank you!

Billy leaves.

GILROY
You know, I will– I’ll actually take some of that stale bread.

SHAX
Six-thousand-five-hundred and thirty-seven.

GILROY
What’s that?

SHAX
Six-thousand-five-hundred and thirty-seven crown. That’s how far in the red you are.

GILROY
OH, SHAX, GODS! Why would you tell a man something like that?

SHAX
Maybe in the hopes that he’d wanna to balance the ledger?

GILROY
(nervous chuckling)
Okay, alright, let’s not get crazy.

Billy enters.

BILLY
These are FANTASTIC! I’ve chosen this one.

SHAX
We usually leave them up so others can see them.

BILLY
Oh, I’m so sorry! I didn’t realize–

SHAX
Kid! This is a werewolf hunt! Are you sure you’re up for that?

BILLY
More than anything!

SHAX
You have a weapon?

BILLY
I do!

Strange metal on wood sound.

SHAX
That’s… quite the sword…

BILLY
My mother forged it. She ran low on iron, so she mixed a little clay in to fill it out.

GILROY
What does she make chamber pots out of? You have to wonder.

SHAX
I’m just not sure it’s really… werewolf-fighting material…

BILLY
Of course, I need a silver blade.

SHAX
Sure, it’s that. Is– is… Is this your first time doing the whole lone adventurer thing?

BILLY
It is… But I’ve practiced so much.

GILRO
Hmm… What kind of practice?

BILLY
My mother and I would spar for an hour every morning.

SHAX
She made TWO swords like this?

BILLY
No… She used a cooking ladle.

GILROY
Ah, well, that is werewolf-prepping if I’ve ever heard of it.

SHAX
You might want to start with something simpler. There’s one from an old man. He needs help getting down his steps in the morning.

BILLY
Not very… heroic, really.

SHAX
I mean… different kind of hero?

GILROY
Maybe… it’s just a ploy. This old man is secretly a wisened monk and by helping him with even this small task, you’ll show him how humble you are. You could be his latest pupil!

BILLY
You think so?

GILROY
Or, hold on, he could be a necromancer, seeking subjects to test his dark magic on! You could be the one to stop him!

BILLY
That would be incredible!

GILROY
Or he’s a dragon! In disguise! And you could nab his hoard!

BILLY
My gods! I COULD!

GILROY
OR… it’s just an old dude with bad legs. It’s probably the legs thing.

BILLY
(sigh)
This isn’t what I thought adventuring would be like at all.

GILROY
Look man, if you’re disappointed now, wait till you find out how shit our feudal economy is for freelancers. Ugh.

SHAX
It’s not as glamorous as some say, Billy, ask anyone here.

GILROY
Actually, our feudal economy is shit for people with steady jobs too.

SHAX
It could become glamorous, with a lot of hard work, but the work comes first, and it’s not always fun.

GILROY
Ooh, and if you’re unemployed it’s awful! You know, this feudal economy, actually, isn’t that great…

SHAX
Gilroy.

GILROY
Sorry, just becoming aware of our society’s failings.

BILLY
So– so… What are you saying?

SHAX
That you might want to go talk to an old man about some stairs.

Scene transition music.

NARRATOR
It wasn’t long before Billy found himself at the old man’s home, staring into his novel once again.

BILLY
I wonder if Reginald ever dealt with anything like this… ah let’s see.

Page turning.

BILLY
No… no… oh… well there’s this… “Reginald was ready to help when those who needed it called. No matter the need.” Ah yes, I forgot about that one.

Knock on door.

OLD MAN
(from inside)
EHHH? Who is it!?

BILLY
My name is Billy Barlow! Of Havenbrook! I’ve come to assist you in this, your hour of need!

OLD MAN
Eh, I can’t hear you! I’ll be down in a minute!
(labored breathing)

Scene transition music.

NARRATOR
As Billy awaited his elderly employer…

SNIVELING HIGH ELF
So then, I fired three arrows in rapid succession, and as with all archers of my ilk, I hit every one.

SHAX
Mhmm.

SNIVELING HIGH ELF
The jabberwocky dropped like lead and the entire village cheered for me. My father will be positively beaming.

SHAX
Yup.

SNIVELING HIGH ELF
I’m looking forward to imbibing these fine refreshments. Edymyr, Delsaran, S’onteil, Ail’re! I bring the succor of fermented grapes!

Sniveling high elf exits.

GILROY
So… corks in the ears?

Pop pop.

SHAX
I don’t think a foot of lead could have blocked that out.

GILROY
Even if it did, you’d never be able to smile and nod at all the right places.

SHAX
You studied magic. Is there a spell that can make adventurers more tolerable?

GILROY
Mages have sought after such an enchantment for generations to no avail. Plus, I can’t cast anymore. Remember?

SHAX
Right.

Nolan enters.

NOLAN
Shax-Shax-Shax-Shax! I think I made that song a little better, listen!

Bad lute playing.

Pop pop.

NOLAN
Why did she do that?

GILROY
She couldn’t find a foot of lead.

Scene transition music.

BILLY
This house looked a lot smaller on the outside…

OLD MAN
It’s only 54 steps.

BILLY
There must be 4 flights in here!

OLD MAN
Nearly 5 if you count the lead-up to the attic. Well, you want the crown or not?

BILLY
Right, sorry.

OLD MAN
Now let’s start by just seeing if you can get me to my bedchamber from here.

BILLY
Do you prefer to put an arm on my shoulder? Or should I lift each leg for you?

OLD MAN
I know what I’m about, boy, just make sure I don’t fall.

Footsteps up stairs.

BILLY
I thought if I just move to here then, sorry ‘scuse me, I’ll have a better angle to–

OLD MAN
Why are you stepping in front of me? No, watch where you’re going! That’s my suit of armor! WOAAHH!

Footsteps stop.

BILLY Only 46 steps left!

OLD MAN
Ohhh, we’ve only made it 8 steps? I go faster alone!

BILLY
But would you be as safe?

Scene transition music.

GILROY
Ooh-ooh Shax! Listen, listen, there’s a new one!

PARTY MEMBER #1
So it’s decided, we’ll handle this ogre together.

PARTY MEMBER #2
As a party, yes. I don’t believe I could take it with my magic alone.

PARTY MEMBER #3
And my bow works best when the creature is kept at range from me.

PARTY MEMBER #1
Then a drink together tonight, a battle tomorrow, and then we’ll go our separate ways.

GILROY
Aww, how much you wanna bet they stumble into a found-family style bond?

SHAX
I truly couldn’t care less.

GILROY
We could use that energy around the bar. A kind of welcoming atmosphere.

SHAX
Half the patrons are hired killers, the other half just haven’t been hired. I wouldn’t call it a family joint. ALSO you don’t work here, Gilroy! Stop giving suggestions for atmosphere.

GILROY
You know, why don’t I?

SHAX
You’d pour yourself a shot for every drink you served. You wouldn’t make it to the first rush.

NOLAN
What about me? I could play music for everyone!

Lute playing.

SHAX
If I decide to close the bar down after all Nolan, I’ll be sure to hire you for it.

NOLAN
Like a going-away concert?

SHAX
More of a please-go-away concert. Please-go-away-or-she’ll-keep-playing-concert.

Lute stops.

GILROY
Mmm, I’m serious though. I think you need an extra pair of hands.

SHAX
The only people who can handle serving adventurers are other adventurers. And if they’re adventurers, then why would they be slinging booze?

GILROY
You work here.

SHAX
I’m retired.

GILROY
Point stands, you need someone.

Scene transition music.

BILLY
Woo, see! You did need me! We made it!

OLD MAN
(panting)
I haven’t been in this much pain in decades. Fetch me a muscle salve from that cabinet.

BILLY
Of course.

BILLY
Okay, uh, here it– Oh, this is quite a nice sword to leave in the back of a dusty cupboard.

OLD MAN
Never-mind that. The salve!

BILLY
I’ve only read about weapons like this…

OLD MAN
Enough with the blade.

BILLY
Why?

OLD MAN
Given me a world of trouble in my time, I prefer not to think of it.

BILLY
What sort of trouble?

OLD MAN
They say when you’re given a hammer, all the world looks like a nail.

BILLY
But this is a sword?

OLD MAN
Not very sharp, eh?

Clattering.

BILLY
OW! It certainly is! Look, I’m sure if you wield it, it would feel like embracing an old friend.

OLD MAN
I really don’t–

BILLY
Pleaseeeeeeee…

OLD MAN
No!

BILLY
Pretty pleaseeeeeeeeee…

OLD MAN
That’s not helping.

BILLY
I won’t even ask for the crown for today. I’d give anything to see a fighter take up their old mantle for a moment.

OLD MAN
By all rights, I shouldn’t pay you for your services today anyway…

BILLY
Pretty pretty pleassssseeee…

OLD MAN
OH, GIVE IT!

BILLY
It’s beautiful.

OLD MAN
I used to think so too.

BILLY
Give it a good swing!

OLD MAN
It’s well-balanced, I’ll give you that. The grip is just right.

BILLY
Do you have any, uh, techniques you recall?

OLD MAN
A few…

BILLY
What’s that one called?

OLD MAN
This is the “ol’ Left and Right”!

BILLY
But you’re just slashing up and down?

OLD MAN
Perfect element of surprise! This is the “Get Back Ye Surly Foe of Indeterminate Origin”!

BILLY
Sort of a mouthful…

OLD MAN
Unfortunately it was less effective when I knew where they were from.

BILLY
Does that ruin the attack?

OLD MAN
No. But it, it just kills the mood. YAH! I’m starting to remember how fun this was!

BILLY
That’s the spirit! Just, oh, be careful of the stairs.

OLD MAN
We used to call this move the Coward’s Friend.

BILLY
Right behind you, sir!

OLD MAN
Even when you were retreating, you still had a good offense ready–

BILLY
WATCH OUT BEHIND YOU, the–

Old man tumbles down stairs; crashes into armor.

BILLY
Are you okay?

OLD MAN
MY ARMOR!

Scene transition music.

GILROY
You pushed him? Down a flight of stairs?

BILLY
NO!… He fell.

GILROY
The one thing that you were there to prevent?

BILLY
Gods, I am a sorry excuse for a hero.

NOLAN
At least he let you keep the sword.

SHAX
Why did he?

BILLY
Oh, he said it was the final straw for it and I. He never wants to see either of us again.

GILROY
I can’t understand why he’d part with it. Not even sure what metal it is, but, it’s strong!

SHAX
Gilroy, put that down.

GILROY
Hey! You don’t have to plug your ears, Shax, if you don’t HAVE any! C’mere, c’mere, I just need two swings…

SHAX
Billy, that sucks about your job. Adventuring isn’t for everyone. Why don’t you just go back home and… do whatever it is that people in your village do?

BILLY
They’re all farmers and I don’t have the patience for it. Besides, I spent the last of my coin just getting to Far Water.

SHAX
I don’t know what to tell you.

BILLY
That’s alright. Sorry for troubling you with my tale. I’m going to sit in the corner… figure out what’s next.

Billy leaves.

SHAX
Why are you looking at me like that, Gilroy?

GILROY
Come ON! He’s perfect!

SHAX
For what?

GILROY
What if he worked here?

SHAX
Should we ask his last employer for a recommendation?

GILROY
You’re not a fragile octogenarian! You’re Shax! You’re a hard-edged, life-learned business woman. He can’t just drop you down a flight to break you.

SHAX
What makes him qualified to tend bar?

GILROY
Oh my gods! The menu is like three drinks, Shax.

SHAX
Four!

GILROY
The fourth is water!

Billy enters.

BILLY
Shax! Gilroy! I was over there moping, but this BRILLIANT fellow brought my spirits right up.

Magnus enters.

MAGNUS
Hallo.

BILLY
Okay, tell them the tale you told me!

MAGNUS
I was just telling the youth how once I fought off a pack of TWENTY DIRE-HOUNDS!

BILLY
Mangus here–

MAGNUS
Magnus, boy.

BILLY
Magnus told me all about how enormous they were! Twice as tall as him!

GILROY
So, normal-sized?

MAGNUS
Tread… lightly.

BILLY
His broad-axe was all that stood between him and gruesome death! He savagely fought them with pure warrior aggression. Isn’t that just amazing?

MAGNUS
Isn’t it, Shax?

SHAX
Hold on, you actually listened to a story from Magnus?

BILLY
Yes!

SHAX
And you enjoyed it?

BILLY
More than anything!

SHAX
Billy, how would you like a job?

Scene transition music.

NARRATOR
As Master Barlow’s journey is just beginning, my tale is ending. I thank you for humoring an old man.
Another? I– I must say no traveler has ever… well then! Bring your friends, your family, your best drinking buddy! I’ve many tales to tell… of the Dragon’s Rest.

Scene transition music.

Knock knock.

SHAX
We’re closed for business!

MYSTERIOUS WOMAN
(from outside)
This business needs no rest.

SHAX
Well I do, from cryptic drunks like you.

Explosion and splintering wood.

SHAX
WOAH!

MYSTERIOUS WOMAN
I will not be ignored, Shaxator.

SHAX
What do you want?

MYSTERIOUS WOMAN
I am… a collector… and your establishment is ripe for collecting. I am happy to offer you a competitive sum for this property.

SHAX
The bar?

MYSTERIOUS WOMAN
The Dragon’s Rest, yes.

SHAX
Not for sale. If you came one day earlier, we might have had a deal.

MYSTERIOUS WOMAN
Unfortunate. If this reinvigorated passion eludes you in days to come, do not hesitate to call upon me.

SHAX
How would I–

MYSTERIOUS WOMAN
When the night is black and your greatest armor doffed, THEN shall we once again meet.

SHAX
Cool. So do you have an address, or…

MYSTERIOUS WOMAN
Yes, yes, here’s my card.

SHAX
Thank you that’s much more—

Magical woosh.

SHAX
WOAH! Could have said goodbye…

Credits roll.

END OF TRANSCRIPT

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