Randalf wonders where all his customers are this evening.
Transcript is below the cut!
Transcript provided by Ria Couoh.
(00:00) THE OTHER INN.
Sidekicks and Sidequests’ theme plays.
Murmuring as if of wind in an empty space.
RANDOLPH
Two hundred ninety-four, two hundred ninety-five, two hundred ninety-six, two hundred ninety-seven. Ah, yes! Very good. That should do it. The books are balanced!
Oh, Mr. Underhill!
MR UNDERHILL
(distant)
Sir?
RANDOLPH
Yes, yes. Be a good lad, would you? Check the doors. It’s a perfectly good Auster night. Middle of the week. We should have more… more patrons.
Chair drags against the floor. A pair of heavy footsteps.
MR UNDERHILL
Uh, sir? I think I might know why we’re having a slow night tonight, sir.
RANDOLPH
Whatever do you mean?
A lighter set of footsteps.
RANDOLPH
(enraged)
What in the devilry is this conjuration?
Light footsteps walk away. A wooden door creaks open.
Distant chatter and birdsong.
A sharp string note as magic is cast.
RANDOLPH
(in a booming, echoey voice)
You, Magatha, what are you doing? Don’t you know…
(losing the echo, frustrated)
You still have a delinquent bar tab with me! Why are you heading towards this sorceress’ establishment?
MAGATHA
(nervous)
Uh, hello, Randolph! Why, yes! I was on my way to pay my tab… but then I heard the news about a new pub in town: the Goblin’s Head! I’ve heard it’s magical.
RANDOLPH
Magical? Magical?
(increasingly incensed)
The Levitating Platter is literally a permanent enchantment to an extra dimensional space of my own creation! How in the blazes is a pub with the best food and drink in Alchester so suddenly second rate to an establishment that has illegally materialized on our town’s commons!
MAGATHA
Come on, Randolph! It’s not every day people get to have some variety in this town. You’re a big fish in a little pond! Competition is healthy.
RANDOLPH
(grumbles)
(growing louder)
Competition! Competition? Competition! Hah!
(venomous)
Rich.
Well, come along now. I’ll have your order ready for you and then you can finish paying your tab.
MAGATHA
Uh…
RANDOLPH
You… You did complete the errand I sent you on, yes? The… The rampaging mutant frog? You… You did stop it, right? Or is it still out there, menacing farms and swallowing livestock?
I… I need those organs, Magatha, for a very specific experiment I’m running. This is highly important.
MAGATHA
(uneasy chuckle)
It’s on my list of things to do… Honest!
I just need a break, you know? I’ve been so burnt out lately! I’m going to get a drink!
(muttering)
At the Goblin’s Head.
RANDOLPH
Hey… Come on you! Stop!
Fire roars.
TESSA
Do you often Smite your patrons?
Fires goes out.
RANDOLPH
Hm. Only when they’re betraying, backstabbing, careless. And who are you supposed to be?
TESSA
I’m Tessa, and I’m starting to see why they prefer my inn to yours if you make a habit of injuring patrons.
RANDOLPH
Your inn?
TESSA
(flatly)
Yes, my inn.
Are you coming inside?
RANDOLPH
Oh-ho-ho! You had better believe I am coming inside, madam! And we are going to have some words!
Door creaks open. Footsteps begin and grow distant. Door shuts.
Muted background noise as people chatter within an enclosed space.
Two sets of footsteps approach.
PATRON 1
Uh, can I get another round here?
TESSA
Of course, dear. On its way.
PATRON 2
You were right about the cider, innkeep.
TESSA
It’s our house specialty for a reason.
MAGATHA
Oh, that sounds delicious! I’ll get one of those!
TESSA
Of course, dear. I very much like your horns, by the way.
MAGATHA
Oh, thank you! It’s kind of more of an antler situation? I’m a hexblood!
TESSA
Very interesting. I don’t know if I’ve ever met a hexblood before. Here you go.
Soft thunk against wood.
TESSA
Now, what can I get for you?
RANDOLPH
Ah hah! How about a piece of my mind?
TESSA
You’d like me to get you a piece of your mind?
RANDOLPH
(spluttering)
You know full well what I meant by that!
Now, what do you call this inn just… materializing like some kind of clumsy teleportation gimmick?
TESSA
It’s what we usually do.
RANDOLPH
(disbelieving)
What you usually do? Barging into people’s town commons?
TESSA
Wherever there’s space, typically. It’s funny. Most of the time, nobody’s noticed we arrive.
RANDOLPH
You what?
TESSA
There are quite a lot of adventurers in this town. Perhaps that has something to do with it.
RANDOLPH
Well, I mean, yes. Our local economy—
TESSA
Where exactly are we, anyway?
RANDOLPH
Alchester. You don’t know?
TESSA
Rarely do.
RANDOLPH
WELL!
Well, I’ll have you know, in this region we do not take kindly to barging into our space without prior permissions!
TESSA
(unimpressed)
Is that so? And what exactly are you going to do about that? Call the local constabulary?
RANDOLPH
(grumbling)
TESSA
Listen here, sir. We’ll be gone soon, likely by tomorrow. If your business can’t stand one night of subpar business, I question your business acumen.
RANDOLPH
How… dare… you.
TESSA
I’m just saying. Oh, coming through, please.
Glasses clink.
RANDOLPH
(calling out)
Madam! Madam! This is not over!
MAGATHA
Hey, are you good?
RANDOLPH
Stay out of it, Magatha!
MAGATHA
I’m just saying. When’s the last time you met your match?
RANDOLPH
(splutters)
(angry, mocking tone, emphasizing every word)
I have hardly met my match, Magatha!
I am an arch wizard! Is she an arch wizard!
MAGATHA
I don’t… I don’t know! Is she?
A small, quiet string chord as magic is cast.
RANDOLPH
She’s not! Although, hm, interestingly…
A sharp ‘shink’, like a knife being sharpened, as magic is cast.
RANDOLPH
(awed)
Oh… Oh, sweet Radagast! What in the worlds?
MAGATHA
What is it?
RANDOLPH
I haven’t the foggiest notion!
(curiously)
This is something I’ve never seen before!
MAGATHA
(dubious)
So, like… Do we need to be concerned or…?
RANDOLPH
Truthfully, I have no idea.
TESSA
Well, I could have told you as much. Now, are you going to introduce yourself like a professional or will you continue stuttering all evening?
RANDOLPH
Madam, I beg your pardon. I am Randolph, arch wizard of the Order of Words and tavern keeper of The Levitating Platter.
TESSA
Pleased to meet you. Will you be buying anything while you’re here?
RANDOLPH
(laughs)
We’re not through yet, madam!
TESSA
Tessa, if you don’t mind.
RANDOLPH
Tessa, then.
What is this place?
TESSA
The Goblin’s Head, an inn.
RANDOLPH
It is inherently magical.
TESSA
Well, I didn’t teleport the place here myself.
RANDOLPH
It is alive.
TESSA
Oh! Well, y—yes. That is true.
RANDOLPH
Aha! The jig is up. What foul beast have you brought to our town common, sorceress?
MAGATHA
You said she wasn’t magical.
RANDOLPH
(sharply)
I do not remember asking you your opinion, Magatha!
TESSA
Sir! This inn may be alive, but it is first and foremost an inn.
RANDOLPH
A mimic, then!
TESSA
Most certainly not!
RANDOLPH
Then a foul construct!
TESSA
Can you control yourself, please? My inn might be unusual, but it is just an inn.
RANDOLPH
There is nothing just about this inn, that is just!
MAGATHA
Losing the plot there, Randolph.
RANDOLPH
(fumbling)
Explain yourself!
TESSA
No.
Listen here, sir. You’re the one who barged in here, a place of hospitality, demanding answers and making trouble. But this is not the Levitating Platter, it is the Goblin’s Head, so I have but one question to ask you.
RANDOLPH
And what might that be?
TESSA
What do you do with unruly customers?
RANDOLPH
Well, my extradimensional tavern just simply needs to… uninvite or block entry to someone through the power of my words, and they’d never be able to set foot inside again without my permission.
TESSA
Really?
A heavy object thuds against the bar.
TESSA
(dryly)
Here we just hit them with a club.
RANDOLPH
Now, there is no call for that.
TESSA
Do you think so? I have my doubts.
MAGATHA
(clears throat)
Uh, could I get another cider?
TESSA
(friendly)
Of course, dear. Coming right up.
Glass clinks.
TESSA
You could have one too, if you’d stop acting like a clown.
RANDOLPH
A clown? I am simply approaching you with a spirit of arcane inquiry!
TESSA
Is arcane inquiry always so rude?
A soft thud.
TESSA
Here you go, dear.
MAGATHA
Thank you!
RANDOLPH
If I am a clown, you are being altogether too defensive. Will you not allow an interested wizard a few questions?
TESSA
And what makes you think I have answers for you?
RANDOLPH
You mean to tell me that you don’t?
TESSA
You’d like to know why the inn is alive despite being just a building. I haven’t the foggiest idea. You’d like to know how it teleports. I don’t know. You want to know how long it’s been sentient. Not a clue.
RANDOLPH
What about why? Why does it teleport?
TESSA
Oh, that? That I might have an answer to.
RANDOLPH
(excitedly)
Do tell!
TESSA
Well, I’m happy to have a chat if you’ll sit down and buy a drink.
RANDOLPH
(grumbles)
TESSA
(mocking)
You don’t expect information for free, do you?
MAGATHA
No, he usually pays!
RANDOLPH
I do when I can be assured of results, Magatha!
MAGATHA
Geez, I will get to the frog monster!
(whispers)
Can’t you relax?
RANDOLPH
Will you be sharing the answers to my questions, if I buy a drink?
TESSA
Of course.
RANDOLPH
Very well then. A cider.
TESSA
(loudly)
Only too happy that the tavern keeper of the Levitating Platter has chosen us for his evening entertainment!
RANDOLPH
You dastardly weasel.
TESSA
Marketing is very important. Uh, here you are.
Thud.
RANDOLPH
As to my question—
TESSA
Five copper, thank you.
RANDOLPH
(aggravated sigh)
You are incorrigible.
Metal coins clink.
TESSA
(smugly)
Thank you very much.
What was that question now?
RANDOLPH
Why does the inn move, and why do you know that and not how?
TESSA
It’s not as though I can speak to it, but the inn seems to choose a group of adventurers to follow about.
RANDOLPH
It selects a party to follow?
TESSA
That’s about the sum of it. I think it likes to see how their stories turn out.
RANDOLPH
Does it meet the adventurers where they go or does it wait until summoned?
TESSA
I don’t think anyone can summon the inn. It ends up where they decide to rest.
RANDOLPH
How on ea—
Ah! Don’t tell me. You don’t know.
TESSA
I do not.
RANDOLPH
(sigh)
So, who is it following right now?
TESSA
Well, that’s the curious thing. I can’t quite tell. We weren’t following anyone yesterday, I’m not sure what could have brought us here.
MAGATHA
This place is stupid with adventurers.
RANDOLPH
Perhaps! Or perhaps…
TESSA
Oh, I’m sure this will be good.
RANDOLPH
(grandly)
Has your inn ever met an arch mage?
TESSA
I can’t say that it has. Not as long as I’ve known it.
RANDOLPH
Oho, well then! It must be here to meet myself.
(gleefully)
Hello, inn, hello!
TESSA
Oh, sure.
RANDOLPH
Ah, the stories I could regale you with from my time as a humble adventurer.
TESSA
I’ll bet.
RANDOLPH
Why, I could tell you all about my excursions throughout all of Harmony and Cantu Vita. I had a brief lectureship with the Colony Arcanum aboard the Cadence, the ancient city-state ship that sails these waters. I had a run in with a gang of pirates in disguise.
(enjoying himself)
Or… What’s another tale? Ah, I’ve been to Bastion in Cantu Cael, the Astral Sea. I’ve gazed upon that awesome city, built upon the ruins of the Dead God. That’s where I met a… pair of curious brothers. They ran a gravel business and wanted me to explore a planetoid for the mineral potentials, and I encountered a nest of megapedes!
TESSA
Oh. That is… That is rather interesting.
RANDOLPH
Well, I was addressing the Inn, but you are free to listen too.
TESSA
Ugh. I’d never.
RANDOLPH
You know, Tessa. Is it just you here running this traveling magic circus all on your own?
TESSA
(warily)
Yes…?
RANDOLPH
No Mr. Goblin’s Head?
TESSA
No.
RANDOLPH
Is that so?
TESSA
(peeved)
Nor will there ever be, now if you’ll excuse me.
Footsteps fade away.
MAGATHA
Smoooth.
RANDOLPH
Quite a lot to say for someone who owes me amphibian organs, Magatha.
MAGATHA
Did you even try the cider?
A beat.
RANDOLPH
(smacks his lips)
Ooh. No, that is really quite good.
MAGATHA
Right?
Door creaks open.
MR UNDERHILL
(from a distance away)
Sir! Sir!
The Bardic Paladin has just arrived in time for a new tale, something about a skeleton and a young sullen child riding about in a balloon contraption? Servitors in a lich’s army?
RANDOLPH
Ah, urgent business indeed!
Chair creaks against wooden floor.
RANDOLPH
Thank you, Mr. Underhill! That should be the ticket I need to turn this around!
A sharp note as magic is cast.
RANDOLPH
(in a booming, echoey voice)
(grandly and with emphatic enunciation)
Everyone, the famed Bardic Paladin is back! He has a charming tale to tell: a skeleton, a balloon contraption and a lich’s army. My, how he meets the people who share these stories! Quite the roll of the dice sometimes, it seems.
Come along! Only at the Levitating Platter! Immortalize your name on the wall with your patronage today!
MR UNDERHILL
Very good, sir!
Footsteps grow closer.
MR UNDERHILL
Uh, sir?
RANDOLPH
Ah, yes, yes. Please, feel free to indulge in the fleeting joy of novelty if you must, but be sure to hurry back!
Footsteps continue and fade away.
MR UNDERHILL
Thank you, sir!
MAGATHA
You should try the cider.
Background sounds of the inn fade away.
(15:23) CREDITS:
Inn Between’s credit music starts.
HANNAH
This episode, “The Other Inn”, was a crossover of Inn Between and Sidekicks and Sidequests. It was written by Hannah Wright with Kurt Crenwelge and directed by Hannah Wright. This show is produced and edited by Katherine Ayers.
The voice of Randolph is Kurt Crenwelge. The voice of Tessa is Hannah Wright. The voice of Magatha is Tal Minear, and the voice of Mr. Underhill is Brad Colbrooke. Our Inn Patrons were C.S.W. and Jesse Hall.
Our theme song is by Eli Hamada McIlveen, and our artwork is by Gabrielle Buxman. Our transcriber is Ria Couoh.
Transcripts for this and every episode can be found at thegoblinshead.com.
Please check out Sidekicks and Sidequests! Every episode is an interview about creativity and an exercise in storytelling.
Thanks for listening!
Music ends.
EPISODE ENDS.