Hi everyone! Hannah here. I’m so excited to bring you an audio drama I love, and I know you’re going to love too. Imagine with me for a second: a D&D musical. And now stop imagining, because that’s what The Reality Shaper is! This show is a full cast musical lovingly written and scored and stupendously performed by theater pros. It also has a lawful good city guard trying to solve a mystery steeped in magic and corruption, alongside an unpredictable and lovable rogue of a bard, and folks, that’s a dynamic I cannot resist. Check out this episode and then listen to the next few episodes on their feed. You’re in for a real show. Enjoy!
The Reality Shaper: A Musical Podcast
Episode 101: “The Unearthing”
Accessibility Guide: Timestamps are approximate scene-based markers. Speaker names and roles are listed before each line. ♪ SONG marks sung lyrics (shown in purple italics). [Stage directions] describe non-speech sounds and scene transitions. (V.O.) denotes voice-over narration by CB.
Speaker Key
CB The Bard — red-haired elf, story narrator (V.O.) and performer at The Horseshoe Tavern
BORIS Boris Dragonheart — copper-scaled dragonborn, Royal Guard cadet, hero of the story
TRAVIS Travis — Boris’s best friend, half-orc, Guard cadet and office gossip
DRUNK / HECKLER Unnamed tavern patron who heckles CB’s performance
EDITH Edith Dragonheart — Boris’s mother, devout follower of the Church of Draxis
LLOYD Lloyd Dragonheart — Boris’s father, Captain of the Cedrelian Royal Guard
RACHEL Rachel Sorrel — human mother, commoner, Missy’s mother
MISSY Missy Sorrel — Rachel’s young daughter; the kidnapped child
FRANKIE Frankie Sorrel — Rachel’s child
WALTER Walter Sorrel — Rachel’s child
MRS. BELMORN Mrs. Belmorn — high elf neighbor on Boris’s running route
AMY Amy — gnomish hotel clerk; Cedrelian commoner
SAL Sal — half-elf apothecary owner; Cedrelian commoner
JULIA Julia — demling bartender at The Horseshoe Tavern
MARIA Maria Downey — wife of Stephan Downey; philanthropist
DOWNEY Stephan Downey — wealthy benefactor of the Royal Guard
HOUSEKEEPER Housekeeper — Downey estate staff member who sounds the alarm
HORDESON Sergeant Hordeson — Boris’s commanding officer at Guard HQ
GUARDSMEN Royal Guard ensemble — other cadets at HQ
ALL / CEDRELIANS Full ensemble — Boris, CB, commoners, and Cedrelians together
SCENE 1 — The Horseshoe Tavern (Framing) [0:00]
[A solo lyre plucks the melody of a somber folk song. Other instruments join in from across the sound field, building into a full arrangement. CB begins to sing.]
♪ SONG: Intro: A Beautiful City ♪
[0:10]
CB — Bard / Performer ♪ SONG
THE HIGH ELVES OF YORE WERE A NOMADIC PEOPLE,
ON A QUEST FOR THE HOMELAND THEY SEEK.
[Other voices join in, building into a great wall of harmony.]
CB & ENSEMBLE — CB and other voices ♪ SONG
IT IS SAID THAT ONE DAY THEY DISCOVERED A MOUNTAIN
AND DECIDED TO CLIMB TO ITS PEAK.
FROM THE TOP OF MOUNT ORPHEUS THEY SAW A VALLEY
AND DECLARED THEY WOULD NO LONGER ROAM.
FROM THE FERTILE LAND, THEY BUILT A BEAUTIFUL CITY,
CB — Bard ♪ SONG
AND THEY CALLED IT CEDRELA, THEIR HOME…
[1:00]
[Record scratch. Music stops abruptly. The sounds of a busy tavern flood in — clinking glasses, silverware, overlapping conversations.]
DRUNK / HECKLER — Unnamed tavern patron — from the back of the room
Boooooorrrrriiiiiiinnnnnnggggg.
CB — Bard
Pardon?
DRUNK / HECKLER — Tavern patron
Tell a story!
CB — Bard
Not taking requests!
DRUNK / HECKLER — Tavern patron
Booo.
CB — Bard
This song’s got a story, if you’d let me finish…
[CB starts to play again.]
DRUNK / HECKLER — Tavern patron
If that’s the best you got, you’re not much of a bard!
[Oohs and gasps from the assembled patrons.]
CB — Bard
Your mom’s not much of a… mom.
[1:30]
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart — from another part of the crowd
Hey, buddy, have you got a problem?
CB — Bard — to Boris
No, shut up, I got this.
DRUNK / HECKLER — Tavern patron
Goooo hooome.
CB — Bard
Okay, you want a story?
[Dramatic musical bump.]
CB — Bard (continued)
You want drama?
[Another dramatic musical bump. Oohs of interest from the crowd.]
CB — Bard (continued)
This! Is the tale of Orpheus and Eurydice
DRUNK / HECKLER — Tavern patron
(Exaggerated snoring.)
[Other drunkards laugh.]
[2:00]
CB — Bard
What now?!
DRUNK / HECKLER — Tavern patron
Heard it last week.
CB — Bard
How about the epic journey of my foot up your ass?
DRUNK / HECKLER — Tavern patron
That story doesn’t even have a good villain. We want villain.
[The heckler starts a chant. Other patrons begin chiming in.]
DRUNK / HECKLER + PATRONS — Chanting
Villain! Villain! Villain!
CB — Bard — not willing to lose their audience
…Alright. Alright, I’ve got a story for you. One you definitely haven’t heard before. At least, not like this.
[Mutters of curiosity from the crowd.]
CB — Bard (continued)
And you’ll never believe the horrible, nasty things the villain gets up to.
DRUNK / HECKLER — Tavern patron
Now you’re talking.
CB — Bard
But before we get to that, we need a hero…
SCENE 2 — Early Morning in Cedrela [3:00]
[A rooster crows. Tavern noise gives way to crickets and birdsong — the cozy sounds of early morning. CB’s voice-over takes on a slightly different quality, as if through a performer’s microphone.]
[3:05]
CB — Voice-Over Narrator
Our story begins in Cedrela, the city of the high elves…
[A door opens and closes. Boris takes a deep breath of morning air.]
CB — Voice-Over Narrator (continued)
…Where a young, copper-scaled dragonborn emerges from his parent’s house at the crack of dawn, as he does each morning, to go for a run and take in his city.
♪ SONG: Welcome to Cedrela ♪
[3:20]
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart — singing while on his morning run ♪ SONG
EACH MORNING THE SUN RISES OVER MOUNT ORPHEUS,
CASTING ITS SHADOW DOWN BELOW.
AND THE PEOPLE ARE RISING, TOO, GREETING THE MORNING DEW,
GETTING THEIR KIDS READY TO GO.
AND THERE’S BEAUTY EVERYWHERE,
IF YOU’VE GOT THE TIME TO SPARE.
WELCOME TO CEDRELA!
THE MOST BEAUTIFUL CITY OF ALL.
WELCOME TO CEDRELA!
WHERE EVERY CITIZEN, GREAT OR SMALL,
KNOWS THEY’RE LIVING IN THE SAFEST PLACE,
IF SOMETHING GOES WRONG, THE GUARD IS ON THE CASE,
SO WELCOME TO CEDRELA,
THE MOST BEAUTIFUL CITY OF ALL!
[4:00]
CB — Voice-Over Narrator
This beautiful man is Boris Dragonheart, golden boy of the Cedrelian Royal Guard, and the hero of our little tale. As he runs, he passes the manicured lawns and sparkling buildings in his beloved hometown. He also passes a gnomish hotel clerk, checking the sidewalk for stray coins…
[Sonic perspective shifts to focus on each Cedrelian as CB identifies them.]
AMY — Amy — gnomish hotel clerk ♪ SONG
YOU MAKE EXCUSES WHEN THE RENT IS OVERDUE.
CB — Voice-Over Narrator
And the half-elf who runs the apothecary.
SAL — Sal — half-elf apothecary owner ♪ SONG
YOU CHEAT AND LIE AND SHIFT THE BLAME.
CB — Voice-Over Narrator
Also a demling tavern-keeper.
JULIA — Julia — demling bartender ♪ SONG
BENDING THE TRUTH IS JUST A THING YOU HAVE TO DO.
CB — Voice-Over Narrator
They love Cedrela too!
AMY, SAL, & JULIA — Together ♪ SONG
WHEN YOU’VE GOT SHIT-ALL TO YOUR NAME.
[4:40]
CB — Voice-Over Narrator
But being the city of High Elves there are plenty of high elves. Stuck-up, regal, holier-than-thou, inconsiderate high elves…
[A different, quieter part of town. Birdsong. Boris’s footsteps approach.]
MRS. BELMORN — Mrs. Belmorn — high elf neighbor, calling from her doorstep
Good morning, Boris!
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart
Morning, Mrs. Belmorn.
MRS. BELMORN — Mrs. Belmorn
Give my best to your father.
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart
Will do.
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart — still singing, under his breath ♪ SONG
THE MOST BEAUTIFUL CITY OF ALL…
[5:00]
CB — Voice-Over Narrator
And WHO is that dapper and attractive and extremely talented bard, tuning their lyre on the roof of a tavern? Oh, whaddaya know, that’s me.
CB — Bard — mockingly ♪ SONG
THE MOST BEAUTIFUL CITY OF ALL.
CB — Voice-Over Narrator
Meanwhile across town, a human woman with mousey hair is enjoying a tiny moment of peace in her garden. This is Rachel Sorrel, and she’s probably got a few minutes before her kids–
[Children’s footsteps burst out of a door.]
FRANKIE — Frankie Sorrel — Rachel’s child
I’m gonna be a fireman!
CB — Voice-Over Narrator
Nevermind.
RACHEL — Rachel Sorrel — human mother
Frankie, where did you get matches? Put those down right now! Walter, where is your sister?
CB — Voice-Over Narrator
Chaos rises with the sun at the Sorrel house.
[5:30]
RACHEL — Rachel Sorrel ♪ SONG
EACH MORNING, THE MOUNTAIN CASTS ITS SHADOW DOWN ON YOU,
TO DARKEN EACH AND EVERY DAY.
HERE, WHERE THE PEOPLE ARE STARVING
AND NOBODY LENDS A HAND,
WHERE YOU HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO STAY.
JULIA & RACHEL — Together ♪ SONG
‘COURSE YOU COULD CATCH THE MOUNTAIN TRAIN,
IF YOU HAD A HUNDRED GOLD.
[5:50]
CB — Bard ♪ SONG
WELCOME TO CEDRELA!
BUCKLE UP, YOU’RE THOROUGHLY STUCK.
IF YOU WANT TO LEAVE CEDRELA,
YOU NEED CASH OR YOU’RE SHIT OUTTA LUCK.
SO THERE ARE TRICKSTERS, AND THERE ARE THE ONES THEY TRICK,
EITHER SCAMMER OR SCAMMED, GO ON AND TAKE YOUR PICK,
THAT’S JUST THE WAY HERE IN CEDRELA.
PRETTY QUICK, YOU STOP GIVING A F–
[Julia yells up from the street to CB on the roof, interrupting the song.]
JULIA — Julia — from the street below
Stuck up there?
CB — Bard — from the rooftop
Good morning to you too, Julia!
JULIA — Julia
CB, how many times have I told you to stay off my roof?
CB — Bard
About half as many times as you’ve told me to pay my tab!
JULIA — Julia
Off the roof or I’m replacing you with a juggler.
CB — Bard
Dear gods, fine!
[6:40]
[The song resumes as a full ensemble number. Boris runs, Rachel manages her children, CB climbs down. Different voices layer and counterpoint each other.]
BORIS & CEDRELIANS — Boris and other Cedrelians ♪ SONG
EACH MORNING THE SUN RISES,
OVER MOUNT ORPHEUS,
CASTING ITS SHADOW DOWN BELOW.
AND THE PEOPLE ARE RISING, TOO,
GREETING THE MORNING DEW,
GETTING THEIR KIDS READY TO GO.
CB + CEDRELIANS — CB and Cedrelians — countermelody ♪ SONG
YOU MAKE EXCUSES WHEN THE RENT IS OVERDUE.
YOU CHEAT AND LIE AND SHIFT THE BLAME.
BENDING THE TRUTH IS JUST A THING YOU HAVE TO DO.
WHEN YOU’VE GOT SHIT-ALL TO YOUR NAME.
BORIS & CB — Together ♪ SONG
AND THERE’S BEAUTY EVERYWHERE,
WITH THE TIME (THE GOLD) TO WASTE!
ALL — Full Ensemble ♪ SONG
WELCOME TO CEDRELA!
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart ♪ SONG
WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT TO LEAVE?
ALL — Full Ensemble ♪ SONG
WHEN YOU’RE IN CEDRELA,
CB — Bard ♪ SONG
KEEP AN ACE OR TWO UP YOUR SLEEVE.
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart ♪ SONG
IT’S THE PERFECT HOME FOR A LAWFUL MAN,
CB — Bard ♪ SONG
IF YOU WANNA GET OUT, YOU NEED A FOOL-PROOF PLAN.
TO GET THE HELL OUT OF CEDRELA,
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart ♪ SONG
WELCOME TO CEDRELA!
CB — Bard ♪ SONG
YOU BETTER LEARN HOW TO DECEIVE.
[7:20]
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart ♪ SONG
THE MOUNTAIN IS THIRTY THOUSAND FEET HIGH.
THE MOUNTAIN RANGE IS IMPENETRABLE.
CB — Bard ♪ SONG
THERE ARE TRICKSTERS, AND THERE ARE THE ONES THEY TRICK.
EITHER SCAMMER OR SCAMMED, GO ON AND TAKE YOUR PICK.
BORIS & CB — Together ♪ SONG
CEDRELA, WOULD YOU TELL US ALL THE SECRETS THAT YOU HIDE,
IF I’M REACHING WOULD YOU TEACH ME HOW TO FLY?
ALL — Full Ensemble ♪ SONG
WELCOME TO CEDRELA!
WHERE THE SUMMIT’S IMPOSSIBLY TALL.
IT TOWERS ABOVE CEDRELA,
LIKE A MASSIVE, INSULAR WALL.
IT KEEPS US ALL LIKE A HOMETOWN BOND,
AND IT KEEPS THE TOWN FROM THE WORLD BEYOND,
YET WE SING WELCOME TO CEDRELA… (WELCOME TO CEDRELA…)
[7:55]
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart ♪ SONG
THE MOST STUNNINGLY BEAUTIFUL,
JULIA — Julia ♪ SONG
FUCKING DETESTABLE,
MRS. BELMORN — Mrs. Belmorn ♪ SONG
WONDERFUL,
RACHEL — Rachel Sorrel ♪ SONG
TERRIBLE,
BORIS & CB — Together ♪ SONG
PRETTY
CB — Bard ♪ SONG
SHIT
ALL — Full Ensemble ♪ SONG
CITY OF ALL!
[Act break.]
SCENE 3 — The Dragonheart Kitchen + Guardsman Headquarters [8:30]
[Sizzling eggs, clinking plates, the cozy sounds of a busy kitchen. A door opens.]
[8:35]
EDITH — Edith Dragonheart — Boris’s mother
Boris! Back already.
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart — slightly out of breath
Yep.
LLOYD — Lloyd Dragonheart — Boris’s father, Captain of the Royal Guard
He gets faster every day.
EDITH — Edith Dragonheart
I’d expect nothing less from our little work-a-holic.
LLOYD — Lloyd Dragonheart
Come, sit! Your mother made the famous Dragonheart eggs.
EDITH — Edith Dragonheart
You know, Boris. Your father and I were just talking about Nancy Forgeworth. You remember Nancy, don’t you? Her family sits in front of ours at church. I heard she hasn’t found someone to settle down with yet…
LLOYD — Lloyd Dragonheart
Edith…
EDITH — Edith Dragonheart
What?
[9:00]
CB — Voice-Over Narrator
Boris’s mother, Edith Dragonheart, devout follower of the Church of Draxis and expert egg scrambler.
EDITH — Edith Dragonheart
Don’t you think Nancy Forgeworth would make a fine match for him?
LLOYD — Lloyd Dragonheart
Well, she’s rather, erm, quiet?
CB — Voice-Over Narrator
Quiet means boring.
EDITH — Edith Dragonheart
Not at all! Our boy couldn’t handle too much excitement in a marriage. He’s far too anxiety-prone and nervous.
LLOYD — Lloyd Dragonheart
I suppose. Though, that’s never held him back.
[9:25]
CB — Voice-Over Narrator
Lloyd Dragonheart, Boris’s father, Captain of the Cedrelian Royal Guard. Lloyd’s father, incidentally, was also Captain of the Cedrelian Royal Guard. And his father’s father was Captain of the Cedrelian Royal Guard. And his father’s father’s father was a farmer… until he helped to forge and found the Cedrelian Royal Guard and — you guessed it — served as Captain. Maybe that’s why Boris is so anxious all the time.
EDITH — Edith Dragonheart
Well, I think she’s perfect. His wife shouldn’t be a show-off.
LLOYD — Lloyd Dragonheart
What do you want to do, Boris?
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart
…Huh?
LLOYD — Lloyd Dragonheart
What do you think of Nancy?
CB — Voice-Over Narrator
Boris doesn’t think about Nancy Forgeworth much at all.
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart
She’s… erm, that is… She’s very… pretty?
CB — Voice-Over Narrator
Nailed it.
EDITH — Edith Dragonheart
You see? They’d be delightful together.
[9:55]
LLOYD — Lloyd Dragonheart
Now, now, Edith. Marriage isn’t like boarding school, Boris will have to approve of whoever you decide to pair him up with. More than approve, he has to genuinely enjoy their company. After all, it would be a shame to deprive him of the love I feel every time I see your face.
EDITH — Edith Dragonheart
Oh, stop that! I’m old and wrinkled.
LLOYD — Lloyd Dragonheart
You’re as young as the day we met.
EDITH — Edith Dragonheart
I’ve aged!
LLOYD — Lloyd Dragonheart
Like a fine, fine wine, my dear.
EDITH — Edith Dragonheart — flustered
Oh! Really!
[10:15]
CB — Voice-Over Narrator
Boris, the sap he is, loves how adoring his parents are, even after decades of marriage.
[Gentle underscoring begins beneath the narration.]
CB — Voice-Over Narrator (continued)
Everything he knows about love, he learned from them. He knows love isn’t the grand sweeping gestures of lore or the gallant rescues of fairy tales. It isn’t the hookups that his boarding school friends whispered about over a few pints, or the one couple in the mess hall overdoing it on the PDA. Love is an eye roll, a smack upside the head, a fond smile that can’t quite be stifled. Love is laughter bubbling up from a tear stained face, an interlocking of pinkies on a hard day, an embrace that lasts fifteen minutes before anyone at all goes to pull away.
[Record scratch. CB gags.]
CB — Voice-Over Narrator (continued)
I know, I know. Revolting. But this thorough education is how Boris knows that he feels none of the above for Nancy Forgeworth.
[10:50]
LLOYD — Lloyd Dragonheart
So how about it, Boris?
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart
I’m, um… Not sure I feel anything for her.
EDITH — Edith Dragonheart
Well, of course you don’t! It doesn’t come out of nowhere. I’ll arrange a date between the two of you, and then you can tell us if sparks fly!
LLOYD — Lloyd Dragonheart
Darling, he said–
EDITH — Edith Dragonheart
I thought we were suddenly letting Boris decide. Boris, dear, don’t you want to give Nancy Forgeworth a fair shot?
♪ SONG: By The Book ♪
[11:10]
LLOYD — Lloyd Dragonheart
Well, Boris? What do you want?
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart ♪ SONG
I WANT TO DO WHAT’S RIGHT.
I WANT TO DO WHAT’S GOOD.
I WANT TO DO EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING I SHOULD.
I WANT TO MAKE THEM PROUD.
I WANT TO BE THE SON THAT THEY DESERVE,
I WANT TO SAY I DON’T WANT TO DATE NANCY, BUT I DO NOT HAVE THE NERVE.
‘CAUSE BY THE BOOK IS HOW I PLAY,
TIME AFTER TIME, DAY AFTER DAY,
IT’S ALL I WANT, IT’S ALL I NEED, IT’S ALL I KNOW.
YES, BY THE BOOK’S MY ONLY MODE,
I WALK THE STRAIGHT AND NARROW ROAD,
IF MOM SAYS SO, THEN HOW CAN I REFUSE TO GO?
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart — spoken
Of course, Mother.
EDITH — Edith Dragonheart
Wonderful! I’ll set it up!
[11:50]
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart
I should really get to work.
LLOYD — Lloyd Dragonheart
That’s right! Don’t be late, or I might have to fire you!
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart — laughing it off
Ha ha…
EDITH — Edith Dragonheart
Have a good day, darling!
[The door opens to the sounds of the street — carriages and birdsong — as Boris commutes to work.]
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart — singing on his commute ♪ SONG
I WANT TO BE THE BEST,
CEDRELA’S EVER SEEN.
I WANT TO RECEIVE A COMMENDATION FROM THE QUEEN.
I’M GONNA PLAY IT SAFE,
AND SYSTEMATICALLY PUT OUT EVERY FLAME,
I’M GONNA HAVE A STAND-UP REPUTATION SEPARATE FROM MY FAM’LY NAME.
‘CAUSE BY THE BOOK IS HOW I LIVE, IN EVERYTHING SUPERLATIVE,
FOLLOW THE PLAN, FOLLOW THE RULES, AND PLAY MY PART.
AND BY THE BOOK’S THE ONLY WAY, TO MAKE THE MOST OF EVERY DAY,
I GOT THE GRADE, IT’S TIME TO PROVE I’VE GOT THE HEART.
[12:30]
CB — Voice-Over Narrator
Boris heads down the block to Guardsmen Headquarters, and it isn’t long before a familiar face joins him at his desk…
TRAVIS — Travis — Boris’s best friend, half-orc cadet and office gossip ♪ SONG
KEEPING UP WITH THE LATEST FROM THE ALL-KNOWING GRAPEVINE,
GETS REAL EASY WHEN YOU’RE BEST FRIENDS WITH THE GARDENER.
CB — Voice-Over Narrator
That’s Travis, Boris’s best friend, office gossip.
TRAVIS — Travis ♪ SONG
AND BOY, B, HAVE I GOT THE BIGGEST SCOOP CEDRELA HAS,
AND BOY, WILL YOU BE GLAD THAT I’M YOUR PARTNER!
BECAUSE THE WORD ON THE STREET IS SERGEANT HORDESON’S
LEAVING IN THE FALL,
WHICH MEANS THE GUARD’S IN THE MARKET TO GIVE SOMEONE
A PROMOTION AFTER ALL,
BUT JUST YOU WAIT, HERE COMES PART TWO…
‘CAUSE THE WORD ON THE STREET IS IT MIGHT JUST BE YOU.
[13:10]
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart
No way. If someone’s getting promoted, it’ll probably be Harrison. He’s a senior cadet.
TRAVIS — Travis
I hope it’s not Harrison! I don’t like that guy. He once reported me for a uniform infraction because one of my socks was black and the other was navy blue. I was gonna do laundry the night before, but then I heard Diane from down the street –
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart
We shouldn’t assume it’s me. I bet I’m the last person on their list.
TRAVIS — Travis
Don’t be so sure. Oh man, I can’t wait until my best friend is my boss. I think if I could just do paperwork all day, I’d be the happiest half-orc on this side of the mountain…
[Travis’s happy chattering fades under as Boris gets lost in his own thoughts.]
[13:40]
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart — singing over Travis’s monologue ♪ SONG
I WANT TO MAKE MY TOWN,
THE SAFEST IT CAN BE.
I WANT TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE YOU CAN ACTUALLY SEE.
AND THIS COULD BE MY CHANCE,
SO I SEE NO REASON TO DELAY,
THEY’RE GONNA SEE THE QUIET, ANXIOUS, OVERACHIEVING SON OF THE CAPTAIN SAVE THE DAY,
AND EVERYONE WILL LIFT ME ON THEIR SHOULDERS,
AND I’LL NEVER BE AFRAID I’M NOT ENOUGH AGAIN.
AND EACH DECISION THAT I MAKE, I’LL MAKE WITH CONFIDENCE AND GRACE.
AND NOT A SHRED OF FEAR.
BUT UNTIL THEN…
[14:10]
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart ♪ SONG
IT’S BY THE BOOK!
YES, BY THE BOOK!
GUARDSMEN — Royal Guard Ensemble ♪ SONG
IT’S BY THE BOOK, IT’S BLACK AND WHITE,
FIND OUT WHAT’S TRUE, FIGHT THE GOOD FIGHT,
FOLLOW THE PLAN, AND BE THE MAN THEY SEE IN YOU.
YES, BY THE BOOK, THE LAWFUL WAY
TO SPEND YOUR EACH AND EVERY DAY,
DO WHAT YOU SHOULD, DO WHAT IS GOOD FOR YOU TO DO.
BORIS (with GUARDSMEN) — Boris leading, Guardsmen underneath ♪ SONG
BY THE BOOK IS HOW I LIVE,
NO SINGLE GOOD ALTERNATIVE,
SOLID AND TRUE, GIVE EVERYTHING THAT I CAN GIVE.
BY THE BOOK, STRONG AND CORRECT,
SOMEBODY WORTHY OF RESPECT,
JUST AS I PLANNED, BE NOBLE AND ABOVE ALL LIVE…
BY THE BOOK!
BY THE BOOK!
BY THE BOOK!
[14:55]
[BANG! The door to Guard HQ flies open.]
HOUSEKEEPER — Downey estate housekeeper — bursting in
Help! Help!
[Boris’s chair crashes to the ground as he leaps up. Metal clinks as he grabs for his sword.]
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart
What is it?
HOUSEKEEPER — Housekeeper
I-I came from the Downey Estate, there– There’s an intruder, they’re being robbed!
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart
It’s you and me, Travis. Let’s go.
SCENE 4 — The Downey Home [15:30]
[15:35]
CB — Voice-Over Narrator
Boris and Travis rush to the estate of Stephan and Maria Downey, well-loved philanthropists and benefactors of the Royal Guard. Boris wastes no time.
[The carriage stops. A door is flung open. Maria Downey can be heard sniffling.]
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart
Mrs. Downey?
MARIA — Maria Downey — tearful
Yes, yes, that’s me.
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart
I’m Cadet Boris Dr–
MARIA — Maria Downey — interrupting
…Dragonheart, yes, of course, Lloyd’s son. We met at the spring gala.
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart
Yes, ma’am. And this is my partner, Travis.
TRAVIS — Travis
Can you tell us what happened?
MARIA — Maria Downey — dissolving into sobs
It was… T-Took my necklace!
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart
Travis, stay with her and see if you can help. I’m going in.
[16:00]
CB — Voice-Over Narrator
Boris marches up the stairs and through the ostentatious front doors of the Downey estate.
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart — to himself
This place is huge!
[Slow footsteps through a large, echo-y foyer.]
DOWNEY — Stephan Downey — muffled grunts and mumbles
(Indistinct sounds of someone restrained.)
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart — quietly
Mr. Downey! Here, let me…
[Boris pulls a gag from Downey’s mouth.]
DOWNEY — Stephan Downey — quietly
Boris, thank God. My study – the mad man is in my study.
[A beat.]
DOWNEY — Stephan Downey (continued)
Untie me, son.
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart
This way?
DOWNEY — Stephan Downey
Wait, untie me!
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart
I’m sorry, sir, protocol requires I pursue the intruder first. But I’ll be right back.
[16:30]
CB — Voice-Over Narrator
Warily, Boris creeps down the hall to the door Downey indicated. Peering through a crack, he sees an elf with flaming red hair standing on Mr. Downey’s desk, digging through the contents of his higher shelves. And hanging around their neck is Mrs. Downey’s storied diamond necklace. A dazzling, gaudy thing with at least 25 perfectly pure diamonds.
CB — Voice-Over Narrator — aside
That’ll be important later!
[The sounds of the room being ransacked. Boris approaches the door.]
CB — The Bard — muttering to themselves while searching
Stuck-up rich people with their massive goddamn houses.
CB — Voice-Over Narrator
Oh, that elf also happens to be the very dapper and attractive and talented bard from a few minutes ago. What a good story!
[Boris kicks the door open.]
♪ SONG: Big Bad ♪
[17:00]
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart
Put your hands in the air!
CB — The Bard
Why?
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart
What–? I–? What do you mean, why? You’re under arrest for trespassing. And stealing. Put your hands in the air.
CB — The Bard
Oh, I see. I’ve stolen your heart.
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart
What?
CB — The Bard
This happens to me more often than you’d think. I get it, some people find me utterly irresistible.
[CRASH! CB throws one of Downey’s expensive possessions to the floor.]
CB — The Bard ♪ SONG
YOU’RE NOT THE BRIGHTEST, ARE YOU?
I MEAN, YOU’RE LUCKY THAT YOU’RE CUTE.
BUT WHAT’RE YOU GONNA DO?
LITTLE BOY, YOU’LL WANNA SCRAM,
ONCE I TELL YOU WHO I AM…
I AM THE BIG BAD.
I AM THE BIG BAD.
I AM THE BIG BAD BITCH WITH THE BIG BAD BARK,
AND YOU’RE A TEDDY BEAR DRESSED UP LIKE A NARC,
AND IF YOU THINK I’M GONNA STOP, THEN I SUGGEST THAT YOU,
RUN HOME TO YOUR DAD,
‘CAUSE I’M THE BIG BAD.
[17:40]
CB — The Bard — spoken, between crashes
Look, I’m flattered, really.
[Crash.]
CB — The Bard (continued)
But I don’t have enough free time at the moment to commit to a relationship. Which is a shame, because–
[Bang.]
CB — The Bard (continued)
You’re very attractive. Don’t think I could pull it off, but the scales really work for you.
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart
Excuse me?
CB — The Bard
You’re excused.
[Boris follows CB back into the hallway and through another door.]
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart
Hey! Get back here!
DOWNEY — Stephan Downey — from his tied-up position
No, don’t go in there!
[18:00]
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart
Now listen here! If you don’t cooperate with law enforcement, you’ll face a steeper penalty and even more jail time. Is that what you want?
CB — The Bard
Ooh, tell me more about how steep your penalty is. I’ve been a naughty, naughty elf and I need to be punished.
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart — a squeak
What?
CB — The Bard ♪ SONG
YOU’RE NOT THE QUICKEST, MY GUY.
IS THAT WHAT YOU CALL A FIGHT?
SURE, GO AHEAD AND TRY,
I DON’T REALLY GIVE A DAMN,
DON’T YOU REMEMBER WHO I AM?
I AM THE BIG BAD.
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart
You’re, uh, you’re not very big.
CB — The Bard ♪ SONG
I AM THE BIG BAD.
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart
Seriously, what are you, like five feet?
CB — The Bard ♪ SONG
I AM THE BIG BAD BITCH WITH THE BIG BAD BITE,
I HOPE YOU CAME PREPARED FOR A BIG BAD FIGHT,
AND IF YOU THINK YOU’RE GONNA STOP WHAT I CAME HERE TO DO,
THEN YOU MUST BE MAD,
‘CAUSE I’M THE BIG BAD.
[18:35]
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart — flustered
That’s enough! Put your hands in the air or I may have to resort to violence.
CB — The Bard
Wow, you are a terrible liar.
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart
I’m not lying!
CB — Voice-Over Narrator
Suddenly, the bard pulls one of the books on the shelf — and it jams about half way out. A lever. A trap door slides open between the elf and the guardsman.
CB — The Bard — looking at the trap door
They put it in the kids’ room? That’s messed up.
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart
Stop- Stop! Right there! This isn’t a game. You’re under arrest.
CB — The Bard ♪ SONG
ARE YOU REALLY THIS DENSE, FUCKFACE?
OUT OF EVERYONE HERE, I AM NOT THE ONE LEAVING IN CUFFS.
WAVE YOUR SWORD ALL YOU WANT, BUT ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.
[19:00]
CB — Voice-Over Narrator
Boris follows them down the unearthed stairs, which lead to a dirty stone hallway that stretches on into the darkness.
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart — running, heavy breathing
Hey! Would you please stop running?!
[A child crying echoes from the darkness.]
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart
Is someone… crying?
CB — The Bard — to the child, gently
Hey, shh, shh, it’s gonna be okay.
MISSY — Missy Sorrel — sniffling
I want my mom.
CB — The Bard
Don’t you worry, munchkin. I’m gonna get you home. Come here.
[CB turns to Boris.]
CB — The Bard — to Boris
Are you still here?
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart
What… Who is that?
CB — The Bard
Missy Sorrel. Rachel’s daughter.
MISSY — Missy Sorrel
Is my mom okay?
CB — The Bard
You bet. She offered me 20 gold to bring you home.
[Missy giggles. CB grunts and lifts her. They begin ascending the stairs.]
[19:40]
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart — confused
But… But that makes no sense.
[They exit back into the hallway.]
DOWNEY — Stephan Downey
It’s not what it looks like, Boris!
MISSY — Missy Sorrel
What a pretty necklace…
[Tinkling sound as Missy grabs the diamond necklace.]
CB — The Bard — to Missy
Thanks, kid, I stole it.
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart
Why didn’t she report the kidnapping to the guard?
CB — The Bard
She did. And you shitbags did nothing. Even though Missy was only blocks away from your little home base, locked inside your benefactor’s dungeon. Gee, I wonder why!
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart
If you’re implying the Guard knew anything about this…
CB — The Bard
What are you gonna do? Arrest me?
[CB laughs.]
CB — The Bard (continued) ♪ SONG
Wow, you still don’t get it, do you?
I’M NOT THE BIG BAD.
I’M NOT THE BIG BAD.
NO, THERE’S A BIGGER BAD RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU,
SO TELL ME, GUARDSMAN, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
‘CAUSE IF YOU SERVE AND YOU PROTECT LIKE YOU PURPORT TO,
THEN YOU SHOULD BE GLAD,
I CAUGHT THE BIG BAD.
[20:30]
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart
You’re still engaging in criminal activity.
CB — The Bard
Yeah, I think we let this one slide.
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart
You need to face trial.
CB — The Bard
Bring me to Rachel Sorrel, and I’ll let you cuff me, deal?
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart
I don’t make deals with criminals.
CB — The Bard
Given the circumstances, I bet you could make an exception.
[They open the door and lead the small group back outside.]
TRAVIS — Travis — waiting outside
What’s going on?
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart — a beat, then deciding
Downey is hogtied in the living room. Arrest him and bring his wife in for questioning.
TRAVIS — Travis
Wait, wait, wait. Arrest Stephan and Maria Downey?!
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart
That’s what I said.
CB — The Bard
Are we going, or what?
SCENE 5 — Outside the Sorrel Home [21:30]
[21:35]
CB — Voice-Over Narrator
Boris and the elf escort little Missy Sorrel through the slightly poorer part of town — a place without lavish yards or massive foyers — to the front door of a small house.
[Knocking. The door opens.]
RACHEL — Rachel Sorrel
Missy!
MISSY — Missy Sorrel
Mom!
[They embrace.]
RACHEL — Rachel Sorrel
Are you okay?
MISSY — Missy Sorrel
Mm-hm.
RACHEL — Rachel Sorrel — to CB
Where did you– How did you find her?
CB — The Bard
It was no trouble.
RACHEL — Rachel Sorrel
Let me get my purse.
CB — The Bard
No. Just put it in a college fund or something…
[Rachel hugs CB. They are clearly slightly uncomfortable.]
CB — The Bard (continued)
Oh. Um. Hugging. Okay.
RACHEL — Rachel Sorrel
Thank you, CB. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
[Rachel fusses over Missy. The door closes.]
[22:10]
RACHEL — Rachel Sorrel — from inside
Love, you’re covered in dirt. I’ll run a bath. Don’t you ever run off like that again!
CB — The Bard — holding out their wrists
Here you are, two highly cuffable wrists, as promised.
[Handcuffs click shut.]
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart
CB. That’s your name?
CB — The Bard
Yup.
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart
Like, the letters?
CB — The Bard
Like the letters.
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart
What does it // stand for?
CB — The Bard — interrupting
//And you’re Boris. At least, according to your heinous friend.
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart
Stephan Downey is not my friend.
[22:35]
CB — The Bard
He was pretty friendly with you. Then again, he went on and on about how no guardsman would ever arrest him — you know, while I was tying him up? Got so annoying I had to cover his big, stupid mouth. But you… You sent him right to the clanger, didn’t you?
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart
I- I did.
CB — The Bard
Wouldn’t wanna be Stephan Downey right about now.
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart
But you’re also in handcuffs. You’re also going to jail.
CB — The Bard
Oof. One for two, my guy.
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart
Huh?
CB — The Bard
I said I’d let you cuff me. Not that I’d let you arrest me.
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart
Well, I don’t need your permission, and I’m placing you under arrest.
CB — The Bard
Oh. So you are. Good work! Hey, up top.
[They high five.]
♪ SONG: Big Bad (Reprise) ♪
[23:05]
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart
Wait. How did you–?!
CB — The Bard — free, having slipped the cuffs
Thanks for the cuffs, Boris, I’m sure I’ll make great use of these.
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart
Hang on, I need those back!
CB — The Bard
Aw, that’s just too bad, isn’t it?
CB — The Bard ♪ SONG
YOU MUST BE BIG MAD,
‘CAUSE I’M THE BIG BAD.
CB — The Bard — spoken, then running off
Later!
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart
This isn’t over!
[A quieter moment. Boris speaks to himself.]
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart — to himself
This isn’t over…
SCENE 6 — Guardsman Headquarters [24:00]
[Papers shuffling, pens scratching, the general sounds of a busy office.]
[24:05]
CB — Voice-Over Narrator
Guardsman Headquarters is an old orangewood and stone structure with high ceilings, built in the same style as the royal palace down the way. To the back of the building are the offices of higher-ranking Guardsmen, stacked two high with a mezzanine that looks out onto the main floor, where the cadets work in neat rows of desks. Boris’s desk is in a further corner, pressed back-to-back with Travis’s.
TRAVIS — Travis
Stephan Downey isn’t talking, and Mrs. Downey doesn’t have many details.
CB — Voice-Over Narrator
Boris starts doodling absentmindedly in the margins of his report. It helps him focus.
[Quiet scribbling sounds.]
TRAVIS — Travis
She said she’s seen groups of well-dressed men come to have dinner with her husband, occasionally with a big, heavy sack. But they never left with the sack, it always vanished somewhere between dessert and drinks.
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart
Weird.
TRAVIS — Travis
Thing is, she’s seen at least a dozen sacks like that enter her house.
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart
A dozen sacks? Does that mean…?
TRAVIS — Travis
Maybe.
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart
How could so many kids go missing without anyone noticing?
[24:40]
TRAVIS — Travis — noticing Boris’s doodles
Are you drawing Mrs. Downey’s diamond necklace?
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart
Oh, uh, yeah, guess so.
TRAVIS — Travis
I just don’t get why he would do this.
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart
Yeah.
TRAVIS — Travis
I mean, the Downeys have everything. Beautiful home, beautiful children, more money than they could ever spend… What do you want to do, B?
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart
We should open an investigation.
TRAVIS — Travis
Cadets never get put on investigations…
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart
I’ll talk to Hordeson about getting access to the home.
TRAVIS — Travis
Good luck!
[25:05]
CB — Voice-Over Narrator
There are some Cadets that fear Sergeant Hordeson, mostly due to his curt nature and gruff exterior, but Boris knows behind his skin of stone is a heart of gold. After all, Boris learned from his father that anyone who devotes their life to the service of Cedrela is someone to be respected.
[Boris knocks on Hordeson’s office door.]
HORDESON — Sergeant Hordeson — gruffly
Enter.
[The door opens.]
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart
Sir, do you have a moment?
HORDESON — Sergeant Hordeson
What do you want, Dragonheart?
CB — Voice-Over Narrator
This is Boris’s moment. He’s going to get permission, open his investigation, save lives, and finally become the hero he was destined to be.
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart
I’d like to request access to the crime scene at the Downey Estate.
HORDESON — Sergeant Hordeson
Access denied.
CB — Voice-Over Narrator
Or not.
[25:40]
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart
What? But sir, I want to open an investigation into–
HORDESON — Sergeant Hordeson — impatiently
Dragonheart. If it was any old request and any old crime scene, I’d pass it easy as cream. But this is a delicate situation. The Downeys were massive contributors to the Guard, and we have to be careful. We can’t rush in blindly and make ourselves look like even bigger fools.
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart
Won’t a delay in action look like special treatment?
HORDESON — Sergeant Hordeson
If there is further action to take — if — it’ll be done by a senior officer. That’s protocol for sensitive situations.
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart
But sir, Maria Downey’s testimony might mean other children have been taken. That’s something that needs to be investigated.
HORDESON — Sergeant Hordeson
Look, Dragonheart. If you want to appeal my decision, I’ll get you a meeting with Lieutenant Morlasar. But he’s just going to tell you the same thing I did.
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart
Thank you, sir. I’d appreciate that.
[Hordeson scribbles a note and hands it to Boris.]
HORDESON — Sergeant Hordeson
And as for the missing persons reports, talk to Senior Cadet Harrison. He is heading that department at the moment, so he can clarify the process for you.
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart
Okay. Thank you, sir.
[Boris stands to leave.]
HORDESON — Sergeant Hordeson
Cadet, where the hell are your cuffs?
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart
Oh. Uh, I’m… working on that, sir.
HORDESON — Sergeant Hordeson
Good.
[A beat.]
HORDESON — Sergeant Hordeson (continued)
And Dragonheart? One more thing…
♪ SONG: By The Book (Reprise) ♪
[26:30]
HORDESON — Sergeant Hordeson ♪ SONG
YOU MAY HAVE HEARD THAT THE WORD ON THE STREET
IS I’M LEAVING IN THE FALL.
WHICH MEANS THE GUARD’S ON THE HUNT FOR A BRAND NEW OFFICER
THAT THEY CAN INSTALL.
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart ♪ SONG
WELL, TRAVIS MAY HAVE MENTIONED ONCE…
HORDESON — Sergeant Hordeson ♪ SONG
CAN’T HIDE A DAMN THING FROM THAT DUNCE.
YOU WANT TO MAKE THIS TOWN,
THE SAFEST IT CAN BE?
YOU WANT TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE YOU CAN ACTUALLY SEE?
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart — spoken
Definitely.
HORDESON — Sergeant Hordeson ♪ SONG
YOU WANT TO BE THE BEST?
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart ♪ SONG
Yes.
HORDESON — Sergeant Hordeson ♪ SONG
YOU WANT TO BE THE ONE THAT THEY PROMOTE?
BORIS, THE JOB’S AS GOOD AS YOURS
PROVIDED YOU DON’T ROCK THE BOAT.
I’M WARNING YOU BECAUSE I KNOW THE GUARD’S WAYS.
THE ONES WHO KEEP THEIR HEADS DOWN RISE AGAIN AND AGAIN,
AND EVERY STEP YOU CHOOSE TO TAKE,
JUST KNOW YOUR FUTURE IS AT STAKE.
ONE DAY YOU’LL MAKE THE RULES,
BUT UNTIL THEN…
STICK TO THE BOOK.
HORDESON — Sergeant Hordeson — spoken
Understand?
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart
Yes, sir.
HORDESON — Sergeant Hordeson
Good. Dismissed.
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart
Thank you, sir.
[The door closes behind Boris.]
[27:20]
BORIS — Boris Dragonheart — alone in the hallway, singing to himself ♪ SONG
STICK TO THE BOOK, AND PLAY MY PART,
IT’S TIME TO PROVE I’VE GOT THE HEART,
I’LL FIND THE WHERE, THE WHAT, THE WHO, THE WHY AND WHEN!
AND BY THE BOOK, IS HOW I’LL PLAY.
I SWEAR I’LL MAKE THE BIG BAD PAY!
AND I’LL MAKE SURE MY CEDRELA
IS A SAFE PLACE ONCE AGAIN!
SCENE 7 — The Horseshoe Tavern (Return to Framing) [28:00]
[We return to the tavern. A quiet moment, then the heckler’s voice.]
[28:05]
DRUNK / HECKLER — Tavern patron
Then what happens?
CB — Bard
I’m getting to it! So grab a drink, take a seat, get comfy. Our epic tale has only just begun.
— END OF EPISODE 101 —
Timestamps are approximate and scene-based. Speaker assignments reflect the script PDF. Song sections are marked ♪ SONG and shown in purple italics. Stage directions appear in grey italics.