Our heroes quibble over their next move. There are no good options.
Transcript is below the cut!
HANNAH
Hi everyone! Thanks for listening to Inn Between. Hannah here again, with Tessa, to thank one of our generous Patreon supporters. Tessa?
TESSA
Yes, this week we’d like to thank Rissa Willis for supporting The Goblin’s Head Inn. We very much appreciate it.
HANNAH
Sure do.
TESSA
You know, I used to know a mercenary by the same name.
HANNAH
Really?
TESSA
Oh, yes. She died horribly. Got into a fistfight with a bugbear.
HANNAH
(sarcastic)
Oh, great. How did she pick a fistfight with a bugbear?
TESSA
Oh, it was the other way around. Andrew is very rude.
HANNAH
Is? What, does he still hang around the Inn?
TESSA
Well…he’s a very good tipper.
HANNAH
Ohhkay. If you’d like us to thank you before the next episode, head on over to patreon.com/thegoblinshead. In fact, head on over there anyway! We’ve got a little bonus content for supporters and followers alike. And now, let’s go to the Inn.
Brief pause.
TESSA
Previously, on Inn Between…
Theme song.
BETTY
We’re breaking the curse.
MELTYRE
I found out how to break the curse, but you’re not going to like it. We need some ingredients. Some Kembo Luminous…
STERLING
Did you see that? There’s something in the water down there
Nasty growling monster noise.
MELTYRE
The feathers of a cockatrice…
FINA
Betty, no!
BETTY
(a wild battlecry, cut off abruptly)
AAAAAUUUUUGGHH—
MELTYRE
And uh…the sun which faces the sun.
VELUNE
I’m sorry, what?
FINA
You’ve got to be kidding me.
Theme song ends in tavern sounds.
FINA
Well let’s call this meeting to order, I guess. Anyone got a gavel?
STERLING
You think we should have a presiding officer?
VELUNE
A joke, I believe. Meltyre, what has your research uncovered?
MELTYRE
Well, um, I uh—
FINA
Now wait, I kind of want to be presiding officer now.
STERLING
(derisive chuckling)
Why should you be presiding officer?
FINA
Because I’ve got the bailiff, isn’t that right, Betty?
BETTY
Don’t call me names.
STERLING
You would rule by force? That’s no way for a presiding officer to behave.
FINA
You think you could do better, pretty boy?
STERLING
As a matter of fact, yes. As the only member of our party with royal blood, I believe I am best qualified.
FINA
Oh, we’re pulling that card, huh? (ridiculous British accent) Well excuse me, my lord! How thoughtless of me, my lord!
STERLING
My bloodline is no joking matter, Fina!
FINA
(still with the accent)
Of course not, my lord! I would never dream of contradicting his lordship!
STERLING
I will thank you not to make a mockery of my title!
FINA
(accent)
Oh, there’s no need to thank me, my lord!
STERLING
(chair scooting)
That’s it—
VELUNE
Please! Peace, both of you. Sterling, sit down. Let’s forget the question of a presiding officer and listen to Meltyre.
STERLING
(chair scoot)
Fine. Just so long as Fina promises to take this seriously.
FINA
(sans accent)
If it makes you feel better, your lordship, sure. I never understood this human obsession with nobility.
MELTYRE
…Can I talk now?
BETTY
Gods, please yes.
MELTYRE
Right, yeah. So. As we know, there are two suns, Sola, the large yellow sun, and Solita, the small red sun. Given that the suns are arranged in a binary system, that means they are technically always facing each other, so the good news is, it doesn’t matter which they’re referring to.
Short burst of applause from one person.
MELTYRE
Wh-why are you clapping?
FINA
Great exposition, Meltyre, real quality stuff.
VELUNE
(annoyed)
If you keep interrupting, the lad will never finish his thought.
FINA
Sorry, kid, go on.
MELTYRE
Uh, yeah. So the next question is, how do we get a piece? Now luckily we have a few options here. Uh—yes? Sterling? You don’t have to raise your hand.
STERLING
Meltyre, just to be clear: you’re saying the final ingredient is a piece of one of the suns?
MELTYRE
Yes.
STERLING
Oh. Well then, what are our options?
MELTYRE
The first option is to just ask. Uh, Friar, Pelor is the patron god of Sola, correct?
VELUNE
That is correct, yes.
MELTYRE
It’s kind of a long shot, but we could just…ask Pelor? He might send us on a quest or something to prove our worthiness, but I think we can handle that.
Awkward silence.
VELUNE
Now…Meltyre, I don’t know what you may have heard about the gods, but most of them, my own lord Pelor included, are not what you might call…talkative.
MELTYRE
I mean, I said it was a long shot.
VELUNE
Matter of fact, it’s a little worrisome when the gods do speak. It’s usually the first omen of a minor doomsday and really, who’s got the time?
FINA
What are the other options, magic man?
MELTYRE
Well, we could summon a piece of a sun. Uh…which is not my specialty. I’d have to do a lot more research, maybe talk to some friends.
FINA
Ugh, after the vampire, I’m not too keen to meet your other friends, kid.
MELTYRE
Oh, that reminds me. And we’d probably have to go back to his library.
STERLING
Oh, gods no.
BETTY
We’ll need more stakes. And garlic.
VELUNE
Any other options, Meltyre?
MELTYRE
One more. We could uh…go get it ourselves?
Long silence.
BETTY
No.
MELTYRE
Now hear me out, heroes have done it before, it’s—
FINA
Yeah, and usually they die! They die a lot! I don’t want to die for something that I might not get paid for.
STERLING
How is something like that even possible?
FINA
It usually involves a magic ship that flies, an impossible-to-reach standard of heroism, and did I mention the dying?
STERLING
Well. That sounds—
FINA
Expensive? Very right, well observed. A little beyond us? Also right! Wow, batting a thousand. And did I mention lethal?
VELUNE
Suddenly the vampire seems downright hospitable.
STERLING
Oh he was hospitable all right. I nearly stayed for good.
VELUNE
All of these plans seem just a touch…
FINA
Impossible?
MELTYRE
Yeah, but they’re all I got.
FINA
Well it’s a good thing we didn’t actually promise to break the curse, right?
STERLING
Still, to be so close, one element away, and not be able to finish the job? We should try at least one of them.
VELUNE
I would be willing to ask my Lord Pelor, but I wouldn’t count on him answering. His timing is ineffable.
FINA
And we are not going to a sun. I’m putting my foot down right here and now. Or I would, if my feet reached the ground.
BETTY
That leaves your friends. And the library.
MELTYRE
Yeah. And honestly, I’m not even sure that’ll work. There’s got to be an easier answer than this.
VELUNE
Hmm.
FINA
Hmm.
STERLING
Hmm.
A long silence.
BETTY
Why don’t we just wing it?
FINA
Because the last time we did that, you got turned to stone.
BETTY
Oh yeah.
STERLING
No more adventures without extensive planning.
FINA
Boy, I can tell that our future adventures are just going to be a laugh a minute.
MELTYRE
Better than dying.
FINA
Yeah, I know.
(plays a few pleasant mellow chords on guitar)
You know, it’s weird, but I’ve definitely heard this story before.
VELUNE
What story?
FINA
Oh, you know. I must know a hundred variations.
(chords change, gain intensity; a focused, folksy tune)
There was once a very important person, who was under a terrible spell, or maybe dead, or maybe they weren’t important at all, except to the hero. Did I mention the hero? He—or she, but it’s usually he—was brave and wise, widely admired and inarguably good, despite a penchant for philandering.
(chords change; have a little extra strumming)
In order to save this important person, the hero was required by the gods, or by a ransom, or by a dungeon crawl, to take on three important tasks!
(each item on the following list is punctuated by a different chord)
One: retrieve mysterious and magical plant life in a difficult-to-reach environment! Two: acquire the body part of a legendary monster, which few can defeat. And three— (guitar stops abruptly)
MELTYRE
Get a piece of the sun?
FINA
Why do you interrupt me when this is just getting good?
MELTYRE
Sorry.
FINA
(mellow chords on the same theme)
It’s funny, the third thing is almost always way easier than it’s supposed to be. It’s usually a riddle of some kind, you know? A test of wit.
MELTYRE
Really?
FINA
Yeah. Actually, come to think of it…
(stops playing)
Gods, could it really be that easy?
STERLING
What are you thinking?
FINA
Meltyre, you said it was the sun which faces the sun?
MELTYRE
Yes.
FINA
Sterling, can I borrow a knife?
STERLING
I suppose so. Not my sword, though.
FINA
You think I can lift that thing? Just a knife.
STERLING
Here.
FINA
Thanks. Hold this. (twang)
STERLING
Uh—
FINA
Be right back.
VELUNE
Now where is she going?
STERLING
You know, I’ve always wondered if there was something magic about this instrument.
BETTY
There isn’t.
STERLING
Well how else is she able to perform all this magic?
BETTY
She just is.
STERLING
Halflings aren’t usually magically inclined, you know.
MELTYRE
You say stuff like that all the time. How do you know?
STERLING
Everyone knows. I bet if I were to—
(plays a two ugly chords)
Ah. Well, maybe not.
BETTY
Quit it.
STERLING
My question still stands. How does she do it?
BETTY
How did you get good with a sword?
STERLING
Well—well, practice.
BETTY
Yep.
VELUNE
Ah, she’s coming back. Hello, that didn’t take long.
FINA
Guys, we’re all idiots. Here’s your third ingredient, Meltyre.
MELTYRE
A flower?
FINA
Yeah, kid, a sunflower.
VELUNE
Aha! The sun which faces the sun!
MELTYRE
But—but—
FINA
I told you, it’s a test of wit. Here’s your knife back, Top Gun.
MELTYRE
That’s it? That’s it?
FINA
That’s it. Unless you think it’s more likely the recipe calls for a literal piece of a sun. (twang) Thank you, Sterling.
MELTYRE
I suppose not, it’s just—
BETTY
This mean we’re done?
FINA
Yeah, basically. We can break the curse now, right?
MELTYRE
I guess we can.
STERLING
To reverse a disgrace!
FINA
To get paid!
VELUNE
To save a young girl from a lifetime of trouble?
STERLING
Ah, yes, that too.
FINA
What are we waiting for? Let’s go!
Theme song.
TESSA
Next time, on Inn Between…
KING
(deep voiced and stern)
You make bold claims, adventurers. How do I know this isn’t a trick?
VELUNE
Your Majesty, Meltyre is well able to perform the necessary ritual.
KING
If he is not, I will execute you all.
MELTYRE
(squeakily)
Oh. Good.
Credits:
Episode 6, “The Plan,” was written and directed by Hannah Wright, with assistant director William Wright.
The show is produced and edited by Katherine Ayers.
The voice of Sterling is Marquis Dijon Archuleta; the voice of Betty is Kaleigh Christopher; the voice of Fina is Riley Jones; the voice of Velune is Kira Mills; and the voice of Meltyre is Austin Mowat. The King’s voice was provided by William Wright.
Fina’s guitar is played by Eli Isbell, and our theme song is by Eli McIlveen.
Want to know more about the inn? Visit us at thegoblinshead.com, or find us on twitter, and don’t forget to rate and subscribe so you don’t miss what happens next. Thanks for listening.
Tavern sounds.
TESSA
Today’s special is pixie absinthe, made from the finest ingredients from…what’s that? No of course it’s not made of pixies. At least…at least, I think it’s not. Oh dear!
End.