Transcript is below the cut!
Begin Transcript
HANNAH THE DIRECTOR
Hi everyone! Hannah here—welcome to season two! We have a couple things to mention before we begin, so let’s hear from our innkeeper, Tessa!
TESSA THE INNKEEPER
Hello! We’d like to thank a couple of our patrons. Firstly, Kaitlyn Grace. Sounds like a bard to me.
HANNAH
Well she does know four entire chords on the ukulele.
TESSA
And we’d like to thank Anna Braumberger as well!
HANNAH
Anna heard about us from a host of the podcast DMs of Vancouver, which is a show about being a dungeon master!
TESSA
Vancouver sounds like a magical land.
HANNAH
Oh it is, Tessa. It is. If you’d like to become one of our patrons, go to patreon.com/thegoblinshead.
TESSA
There’s also the other matter.
HANNAH
Right, if you notice a change in audio quality this season, it’s because we had to switch some of our equipment due to circumstances beyond our control.
TESSA
They were attacked by asbestos!
HANNAH
No—no, the building where we usually got our equipment was cordoned off because of asbestos contamination—
TESSA
The asbestos overran the campus, looting and pillaging—
HANNAH
That is not remotely correct.
TESSA
It was all we could do to save our own lives!
HANNAH
We were fine, it was just inconvenient…do you even know what asbestos is?
TESSA
I assume it’s like when I get dire rats in the inn’s basement. Why didn’t you just hire the adventurers to kill it?
HANNAH
Would that I could. Anyway, we should get started, I’m really excited for everyone to hear what we’ve got.
TESSA
Yes! Let’s go to the inn.
HANNAH
Oh, we’re not going to the inn.
TESSA
We aren’t? Why not?
HANNAH
You’ll see. Here we go!
A moment of silence.
Three large booming knocks. A large door creaks open, and we hear the sound of heavy rain.
REEVIS
(low, even tone, completely unsurprised)
Good evening, my lord, what a surprise. Welcome home.
STERLING
Hello, Reevis.
REEVIS
Shall I announce you and your…friends to her ladyship?
STERLING
Oh, that’s not necessary. I’m sure she’s asleep.
REEVIS
Very good, my lord. Do come in.
MELTYRE
Thank you.
VELUNE
Many thanks.
The door closes behind the party, shutting out the sound of rain.
REEVIS
Madam, may I take your…rug?
BETTY
No.
REEVIS
Very well. Your hat, then, sir?
MELTYRE
Uh, no thanks. You know, how else would people know I’m a wizard?
REEVIS
Difficult to say, sir.
STERLING
Reevis, if you will fetch a few loose gems from my vault and bring them to the drawing room, I would be most grateful.
REEVIS
Certainly.
STERLING
Thank you, that will be all. And…(aside) a word of advice, my friend Betty doesn’t like to be called Madam.
REEVIS
Duly noted, my lord. (footsteps)
STERLING
Right, then. The drawing room is this way.
Footsteps in the background.
MELTYRE
Wow. This place is…is it nicer than the king’s palace?
VELUNE
Most people I’ve spoken to tend to think so.
STERLING
I think we have better restorers, that’s all. And it’s older.
MELTYRE
You live here?
STERLING
Well, yes. Though I haven’t been home in…quite some time.
MELTYRE
Wow, um. Won’t your butler be suspicious about the gems?
STERLING
Reevis has worked for my family since before I was born. He’s very discreet.
MELTYRE
Oh, so he knows that—
STERLING
Yes, he knows I’m a half-elf bastard, thank you so much for bringing that up yet again. But not all of the servants do. Please keep your voice down.
VELUNE
Not to worry, Sterling. As guests in your house, we will be nothing but gracious.
BETTY
Except for the necromancy.
VELUNE
Well, yes, except for that.
STERLING
(wearily)
I am begging you to have just a modicum of tact. I don’t want my mother knowing…
(in disbelief)
…there’s been necromancy in the house.
Smaller door opens and closes behind them. In this room, there is a crackling fire.
STERLING
In fact, if we’re lucky, we’ll get out of here without her having to meet you at all.
MELTYRE
What do you mean, lucky?
STERLING
My mother is very…particular.
VELUNE
I’ve heard nothing but good things about the Lady Daria.
STERLING
She’s not really in the habit of cavorting with…
(hesitates)
BETTY
With what?
MELTYRE
Is this gonna be a class issue? I know I’m just a peasant, but still—
STERLING
It’s not that you aren’t very noble people—in your ways—it’s just that—
VELUNE
If you’d like my advice, Sterling, you’ll stop now.
STERLING
I…suppose you’re right.
BETTY
We embarrass you.
STERLING
Don’t be absurd. I’m just not looking forward to my mother’s lectures on the quality of the company I keep. Shouldn’t we be preparing to bring Fina back?
VELUNE
Perhaps we should wait to unroll her from the rug until Master Reevis comes back? We wouldn’t want to alarm anyone.
The door opens and closes.
STERLING
Ah, there’s—
(zero to panic)
Mother?
LADY DARIA
(poised, pleasant, friendly)
I thought I heard someone at the door. Welcome home, dear one.
STERLING
(haltingly)
Uh—thank you, Mother. It’s good to be back.
DARIA
My goodness, how handsome you look in your armor. Have you grown since you left?
STERLING
Not for a couple of years, Mother.
DARIA
Are you going to introduce me to your friends?
STERLING
Of-oh, of course. Uhh…This is Friar Velune, of the worshippers of Pelor.
DARIA
Always pleased to meet a priest of Pelor. Or…a priestess?
VELUNE
Neither, I find, Lady Daria. It is an honor.
DARIA
The honor is mine.
STERLING
And this is Meltyre, a wizard from the Circle of the Greenish Fire.
DARIA
A wizard?
MELTYRE
Yes ma’am—uh, your—your ladyship.
DARIA
I’m familiar with the Circle. You’re very young to be a member of its ranks.
MELTYRE
Oh, uh. A little.
DARIA
You must be quite accomplished. And you, my dear?
BETTY
Betty.
Sterling clears his throat pointedly.
BETTY
Ma’am.
DARIA
A pleasure, Betty. What clan are you?
BETTY
…Triguut.
DARIA
You don’t say! Am I in the presence of the chief of the Triguut clan?
BETTY
(surprised)
You…are.
DARIA
I am honored, Betty. Oh, shall I call someone to take your luggage? That rug looks awfully awkward.
BETTY
(alarmed)
No!
(pause)
Thank you.
DARIA
As you wish. I’ll have the servants prepare your rooms, you all must be very tired from the journey.
STERLING
Oh, Mother, if you would prepare an extra room? We have a friend on her way, a few minutes behind us.
DARIA
Of course. Four guest rooms then. (aside) Unless anyone will be doubling up, dear one?
STERLING
(mortified)
Mother!
DARIA
I thought I’d ask. No need for that tone. Glad to meet you all.
The door closes behind her, and Sterling groans.
STERLING
Good gods.
MELTYRE
Betty, you’re a chief?
BETTY
Yep.
MELTYRE
You never said.
BETTY
You never asked.
VELUNE
What a gracious lady.
STERLING
Let’s just hurry along, shall we? Before something worse happens.
MELTYRE
She seems pretty nice to me.
STERLING
Of course she does.
Door opens.
REEVIS
Your gemstones, my lord.
The gems clink like glass as Sterling takes them.
STERLING
Good, thank you, Reevis. If you can, make sure we are not disturbed.
REEVIS
Very good, my lord.
Door closes.
STERLING
All right. Velune, will these be sufficient?
VELUNE
Any one of these would, thank you, Sterling. Betty, if you would unroll her?
Soft thud and the flap of the rug.
MELTYRE
Ugh! She’s starting to smell kinda…off.
VELUNE
She will for a day or two. Not much we can do about that.
Pause.
MELTYRE
Uhh…are you okay?
VELUNE
…Yes. Sorry. Perfectly all right.
BETTY
Let’s go, Velune.
VELUNE
(clears throat)
Ah, right. Step back, everyone.
(hums a low, constant note)
MELTYRE
(hushed)
I’ve never seen necromancy done firsthand before.
Velune’s hum begins to echo.
STERLING
Let’s hope we never have to see it again.
The air is filled with whispers and a strange metallic whir; there is an electric crackle and buzz, and then the noise abruptly stops.
VELUNE
(gasping)
My word.
MELTYRE
(with reverence)
Woah.
BETTY
Fina?
Brief pause.
FINA
(laboriously)
…What?
BETTY
Fina!
Betty thumps across the room. Fina yelps as she is picked up.
FINA
Oh, gods—careful with the hugging! Ow!
(she is more sore than she’s ever been)
Jeez. I feel like someone ran me through an industrial dryer.
MELTYRE
A what?
VELUNE
Ah, it’s good to have her back.
FINA
Put me down, Betty. Woah, gently—gently. Gods, if my legs would cooperate, that’d be just dandy.
BETTY
(joyously)
You stink.
FINA
Yeah, well you don’t smell so good yourself, Betty, what, did you forget how—no wait. (sniff) Okay, that’s me. Hoooly hydra, that’s rank. All right everyone, level with me. What happened last night? Did I get thrown into a garbage heap for jigging on the table again?
VELUNE
I’m afraid it’s…a bit worse than that?
FINA
Oh, gods, not the impressions. I’m so sorry. To everyone. Ever.
VELUNE
No, Fina, it wasn’t a celebration.
FINA
What, we weren’t whisked away by the masses to a congratulatory party? The ingratitude.
VELUNE
Fina…
FINA
Well we must’ve found a drink somewhere, I can’t remember anything up til like, the middle of the fight with the Bone King—
MELTYRE
Fina…you died.
Shocked silence.
FINA
I…whew. Um…seriously?
BETTY
Yeah.
FINA
How long have I been…out?
VELUNE
Eight days since we defeated the lich.
FINA
Th-then how am I…oh! Oh! Velune! You’re a necromancer!
VELUNE
In occasion, yes.
FINA
I knew there was something weird about you.
VELUNE
Seems so.
FINA
(distracted)
I knew it. Ha.
BETTY
You okay?
FINA
Wh—uh-yeah. I’m fine.
STERLING
This must have been a jarring experience.
FINA
Nah, I’ve seen it all. Nothing surprises me.
STERLING
But—
FINA
But nothing. I’m alive, right? That’s all that matters.
VELUNE
You’re sure you’re all right?
FINA
Well apparently I’m doing better than I have been all week.
A moment of silence.
FINA
It’s a joke, guys. Someone laugh. I could start making fun of Sterling, that’s easy.
MELTYRE
You are okay, then?
FINA
I swear by Pelor.
VELUNE
(lightly)
I think he’d rather you didn’t.
FINA
(chuckles)
See, now that’s funny. Hey, where are we anyway?
STERLING
The Castle Whitetower.
FINA
(growing relish)
Oh. My gods. Are we in your house?
STERLING
(worried)
Yes, but Fina please—
FINA
Your esteemed mother Lady Daria is here, isn’t she?
Sterling and Meltyre speak simultaneously.
STERLING
No, she’s not—
MELTYRE
Yeah, we just saw her—
Pause.
MELTYRE
Uh, I mean—
FINA
Meltyre, never change. This is so exciting!
STERLING
(pleading)
Oh my gods, Fina—
FINA
I’ve never played for nobility before. What should I play first? A selection of humorous limericks?
(exaggerated American Southern accent)
Well howdy, your ladyship! Coo-ee, ain’t this a fine lookin’ castle establishment?
BETTY
(laughs)
STERLING
I’m going to be disowned.
FINA
(regular accent)
Nonsense, my poetry can win anyone over. (Beat) Who has my guitar?
VELUNE
I’m afraid it was smashed. In the fight.
FINA
…Oh.
VELUNE
I would have gathered up the pieces if I thought we could repair it. I’m sorry, Fina.
FINA
(it’s not fine)
It’s fine.
BETTY
We’ll find you a new one.
FINA
Don’t—don’t worry about it. I have another one, I left it with Tessa at the Goblin’s Head.
MELTYRE
But—
FINA
It’s fine.
A door opens.
STERLING
Reevis, I thought—Mother!
LADY DARIA
Ah! This must be your friend.
STERLING
Yes, and she’s very tired, so she’ll just be leaving for her room—
DARIA
Aren’t you going to introduce me, dear one?
STERLING
No, no, I don’t think—
FINA
(impeccably polite)
My lady, I am so pleased to make your acquaintance. Fina Butterbuns, of the Hiltshire Butterbuns, at your service, and I beg your forgiveness for my tawdry appearance.
DARIA
Well, I understand you’ve been on the road for some time.
FINA
There is that, my lady, but my tardiness carries with it a story. It involves a runaway donkey, two zombies, a case of mistaken identity, and a cobbler named Greg.
MELTYRE
(under his breath)
Does it?
VELUNE
Hush.
DARIA
(curiosity piqued)
You don’t say.
FINA
I’d be pleased to tell you all about it.
DARIA
Oh, do let’s wait until morning. You must be very weary. (calling out) Reevis?
Door opens.
REEVIS
My lady?
DARIA
Show our guests to their rooms. Sterling, my dear, may I have a word with you?
STERLING
Of course.
VELUNE
Many thanks, your ladyship.
DARIA
Of course, Friar. Sleep well.
The next three lines grow distant.
FINA
How am I so tired? I’m gonna sleep like the dead.
VELUNE
That’s quite enough of that.
MELTYRE
Too soon, man.
The door closes behind them.
DARIA
(all sweetness gone)
Who the devil have you brought into my home?
STERLING
Here we go.
DARIA
It seems I was right to be concerned about you! What sort of people do you call them? If that ragged peasant boy is a wizard I’ll eat my hat.
STERLING
Mother, y—
DARIA
And that cleric, that wizened old thing. I’ve never seen such a suspicious character in my life. And the halfling?
STERLING
Mother!
DARIA
She knows her place, at least! Even if her place is the clown. Why is it the only person of your station with which you’ve deigned to associate is a mannerless orc barbarian?
STERLING
(angry)
Stop it.
DARIA
I shall do no such thing. Explain yourself immediately, young man.
STERLING
They’re—they’re my friends—my gang!
DARIA
Your what?
STERLING
I don’t expect you to understand.
DARIA
Understand what, exactly? That you’ve lost your mind? What has happened to you?
STERLING
That’s…almost too much of a question to answer.
DARIA
It was this nonsense with your order, wasn’t it? It’s sent you into a spiral.
STERLING
What?
DARIA
And now you’ve run off to be a common thug, in the company of gods only know what sort of people—
STERLING
Common thug? I should think I know better than that.
DARIA
Did you or did you not take money in order to kill a monster?
STERLING
To save the princess! In service of the king!
DARIA
Like some crass soldier.
STERLING
Mother, there is nothing wrong with soldiers. And there is nothing wrong with my friends, either!
DARIA
(cutting)
Oh your friends. Back to them.
STERLING
Yes, back to them! They may not be your sort of people, but they are mine!
DARIA
Your people, are they?
(lowered voice)
And what if they were to find out our little secret, Sterling? Would they be so friendly then? What if—
STERLING
They already know!
Shocked silence.
DARIA
(quietly furious, carefully controlled)
You swore to me that you would never tell anyone. You staked your honor, your dedication to St. Cuthbert—
STERLING
I didn’t tell anyone. They found out by accident.
DARIA
(acidic)
So you were careless.
STERLING
I was no such thing! Mother, listen—
DARIA
They’re blackmailing you, then? Is that it? I knew you couldn’t be off on this harebrained adventure of your own volition. I swear, they’ll feel the back of my hand—
STERLING
(surprised laugh)
DARIA
Do you find the fate of your reputation funny, young man?
STERLING
No, no, I—(gets ahold of himself) I was imagining you backhanding Betty.
DARIA
I’m being quite serious.
STERLING
I know, that’s why it’s funny. Mother, they’re not blackmailing me. They don’t care.
DARIA
I find that very difficult to believe.
STERLING
Then take my word for it. I…they’re some of the most noble people I’ve ever met.
DARIA
Those renegades?
STERLING
Those renegades are my friends. You can trust them. They’re—I’ve failed them over and over again, and they’ve asked nothing of me. They’ve saved my life, in so many ways, and…whatever you think of them doesn’t matter one bit to me, Mother. I won’t hear another word against them.
Brief silence.
DARIA
You care for them a great deal.
STERLING
I do.
DARIA
Are you certain they’re worthy of your regard?
STERLING
The worthiest. Most—most worthy.
DARIA
You’ve changed, Sterling.
STERLING
I know. For the better, I hope.
DARIA
(sighs)
All this…doesn’t stop me worrying about you.
STERLING
Well, I don’t exactly blame you, given the things we’ve been involved in of late.
DARIA
Oh, don’t tell me that.
STERLING
But we’ve all taken care of each other so far, and we don’t mean to stop.
DARIA
They’d better not, if they know what’s good for them.
STERLING
(chuckles)
DARIA
(softly)
You are all right, then?
STERLING
I…think so.
DARIA
You didn’t write to me. Not even once—I was very worried.
STERLING
I tried to. I wasn’t ever sure what to say.
DARIA
I wouldn’t have been upset, Sterling. Things happen. I understand that better than most.
STERLING
I know. I am sorry for that.
(pause)
I can do magic now.
DARIA
…But you were ousted by your order.
STERLING
I follow a god, not an order.
DARIA
(proudly)
Well, then. Good lad.
(pause)
Will you and your…friends…be staying long?
STERLING
No, I think we’ll leave soon to retrieve Meltyre’s sisters. They’re being kept…they are the king’s wards, right at the moment.
DARIA
Oh. Oh dear.
STERLING
What?
DARIA
Haven’t you heard, dear one? There’s been a coup. The king is dead.
STERLING
…He’s what?
Theme song in the background.
TESSA
Next time, on Inn Between…
DARIA
Lord Denetrah and his men beheaded the king. The princess is practically a hostage.
STERLING
So much has happened since we’ve been gone.
MELTYRE
But…what about my sisters?
DARIA
I’m afraid…I don’t know.
Theme song continues. Credits are read.
Credits:
Episode 2.1, “The Lady,” was written and directed by Hannah Wright, with assistant director William Wright. The show is produced and edited by Katherine Ayers.
The voice of Sterling is Marquis Dijon Archuleta; the voice of Betty is Kaleigh Christopher; the voice of Fina is Riley Jones; the voice of Velune is Kira Mills; and the voice of Meltyre is Austin Mowat. The voice of Reevis is Kalen Grinnell.
This episode featured the voice of special guest Lindsay Dorcus as Lady Daria Whitetower. Check out her work at lindseydorcus.com—that’s L I N D S E Y D O R C U S dot com.
Our theme song is by Eli McIlveen.
Transcripts for this and every episode can be found on our website, thegoblinshead.com. Find and follow us on twitter, @inn_between_, or support us on patreon, at patreon.com/thegoblinshead.
If you like our show, inscribe its name in intricate calligraphy on a library book, or leave us a review on Apple Podcasts. Thanks for listening!
Theme song ends. Tavern sounds.
REEVIS
You wouldn’t believe who stopped by the castle yesterday.
TESSA
Oh, do tell! Let me get you a drink.
End.