Transcript below the cut!
(full volume, gruffly) Ah! good ale, this. Mm. Mmm!
(grunty roar sound)
Rah. Roar. Mrah!
It’s like—it’s like a wookie sound—
(convincing wookie sound)
Start song, “Orcs Want the Funk” by Natalee. A jazz beat begins with a funky bass riff, followed by French horns and the occasional flute. The melody is fantasy, but in a funk way.
Ohh, I think this is the best fight yet.
Nothing like a good beer after a good fight. Haha!
The best part was where you tore off his arm.
Oh, did you see the shield that guy was carrying? Hmm, good thing I got that. That was cool.
I like how the blood splattered on your face. It’s a good look.
The way you threw that axe? Oh, they should have sent a poet.
Loved that backhanded swing you had there. Saw you’ve been working on the technique.
They say there are fouler things in the world than me, but I’ve never met them!
That was a great first beheading. You had to take two whacks, but that’s okay. You’ll get better.
I love you, Partek. I have always loved you. I don’t know what I would have done if I’d lost you, Partek.
These are surprisingly good chicken wings. I like these chicken wings.
You think maybe sawdust is the next big thing?
Globthar has no need for tiny little toothpicks.
Rizzak. Rizzak! You know you’ve still got an arrow in your shoulder blade. (pause) You might want to get that seen to.
Oo, I love fights! They’re my favorite.
I liked it when you took his little horns and used them as though you were riding him like a horse as you tore off his head. (laughs, sighs appreciatively)
Where did you get this sofa upholstered? It feels like dragon’s hide. So voluptuous.
The architecture of this inn reminds me of Torpak the Cleaver’s Gothic phase.
Our weapons may be thirsty for blood, but it sure isn’t easy cleaning them. I’m thinking of starting a business creating bibs for blades.
He wouldn’t stop poking me. So I broke his finger off! (laughs)
You want to arm wrestle? Which arm do you want to wrestle with? My left, my right, or this kobold’s that I took from the battlefield?
Can I get some more chicken wings over here? Please.
More grog. More grog! Okay, that’s enough grog, put your shirt back on.
Thanks again to each one of our orcs. Links to all of their projects can be found in the description, but if you only want to use your ears for this one—
Max Kreisky is a cohost of the nonfiction history show Anachronismo, and keep an eye out for his upcoming audio drama True Tales of the Illuminati.
And speaking of upcoming shows, Mads Upton is one of the writers for Pastamancy. You can hear them doing voicework for Quirky Voices Productions and some episodes for International Podcast Month, which is coming in September.
Jack Pevyhouse is the mastermind behind the podcast miniseries Forest Guide. Be sure to check out the other shows he’s involved in too, from Crossroads Stations: Jim Robbie and the Wanderers, Otherverse, and Misadventure by Death.
Amanda McColgan is the creator of the audio drama Take the Mass Pike, and one of the curators of the Directory of Independant Audio Drama, and social media director of the PodTales Audio Fiction Festival, coming to Cambridge, Massachusetts on October 20, 2019.
Strider Leigh is the creator of the podcast Mythos. It’s a show about elves and magic in space, and frankly if that’s not enough for you, we can’t be friends.
Thank you for listening!
The song fades out without ending.
Is this really all we can afford? The blood of our enemies used to go a lot further in the old days.
Transcribed by otter.ai