Our heroes subject Meltyre to an unexpected acquaintance.
Transcript is below the cut!
TESSA
Previously, on Inn Between…
STERLING
The story goes that Dame Avaline is trapped in the Wood of Woe.
TESSA
The whole wood is rife with fey magic!
VELUNE
Are you saying that the towns move along the ley lines?
MELTYRE
At least we know what to expect.
FINA
From fey magic? I don’t think so.
Tavern sounds. We start the episode at the bar, so there are glasses clinking as well, and a chair scoot.
FINA
Evening, Tessa!
TESSA
Good evening, Miss Fina. The usual for you and yours?
FINA
That’s right, although Sterling requests his wine with ice today, for whatever reason.
TESSA
Of course. I’ll have that for you in a moment.
FINA
Many thanks.
ELENA
(refined and friendly, with a Venezuelan accent )
Wine with ice, huh?
FINA
Yeah, there’s nothing normal about that guy.
ELENA
(laughs)
FINA
Say, I love those beads in your beard. Are those bone?
ELENA
Why, yes! Thank you.
FINA
Whose bones?
ELENA
(laughs)
Oh, gracious. No one’s, I hope. They were a gift.
FINA
(chuckling)
Ah, right. I forgot.
ELENA
Beg your pardon?
FINA
I forgot that not everyone’s uh…quite so mercenary.
(realizing what she’s said)
As some friends of mine. That I have. Who are mercenaries.
ELENA
You must know some very interesting people.
FINA
(laughing)
Oh, you got no idea.
ELENA
Say, you’re a proper adventurer, aren’t you?
FINA
I guess you might say that.
ELENA
I did hope this trip meant I would meet some adventurers, and here we are!
FINA
So do you often go on terrifying trips to famously dangerous locales in the hope of making friends?
ELENA
Oh, I wouldn’t call the Wood of Woe a dangerous locale, not really. At least not on the outskirts. If you go much deeper in, then, sure.
FINA
Hm. Good to know.
ELENA
And anyway, there are towns all through, even if they are a little strange because of the fey. My friends are out looking for a camping spot, but if they don’t find a good one we can just stay here.
FINA
I have a friend who’d call that quitter talk.
ELENA
(laughing)
I’ll never claim to be a real adventurer. But to see things, to try and experience life a little, I can’t resist that. Wouldn’t you say…oh gods! I’ve forgotten to ask your name.
FINA
Oh, of course! Fina Butterbuns, of the Hiltshire Butterbuns. A bard, a babe, a badass. And yourself?
ELENA
Elena Truestone of Darkmine, north of the Clagghern Mountains, Master wizard in the Order of the Greenish Fire—
FINA
The greenish fire?
ELENA
Well it’s more sort of uh…aquamarine.
FINA
No, no, get this, Elena: I think I know a member of your order.
ELENA
Oh, you don’t say!
FINA
Yeah, he’s sitting right over there.
ELENA
Where…oh gods, is that…is that Meltyre?
FINA
You know Meltyre?
ELENA
Everyone knew Meltyre!
FINA
Oh really…
Clinking glasses, being set down.
TESSA
Here you are, Fina.
FINA
Thanks.
ELENA
Oh, allow me to help you bring them over, I’d love to say hello.
FINA
Sure, yeah.
Moving glasses, footsteps.
FINA
So. Everyone knew Meltyre, huh?
ELENA
The whole order, I mean. He was kind of infamous.
FINA
(enthralled)
Infamous!
ELENA
Oh yes.
VELUNE
(fading in)
And that’s where the metaphysics of the issue get really interesting.
MELTYRE
But how do you reconcile the—
BETTY
Hey, it’s Fina.
STERLING
Oh, thank Cuthbert.
FINA
(glasses being put down and chairs scoot)
Drinks all round, folks, and look who I found.
MELTYRE
(stunned)
Lady Truestone.
FINA
Lady, is it? Elena, you didn’t say I was in the presence of dwarvish nobility!
ELENA
Oh, like a thing like that matters all the way out here. Call me Elena.
STERLING
(chair scoot)
Lady Elena, Lord Sterling Whitetower, at your service.
ELENA
The notorious rogue paladin? You don’t say!
STERLING
Er…I suppose that’s accurate.
ELENA
Don’t be so modest, I’ve heard such interesting things.
STERLING
Interesting in what way?
VELUNE
Friar Velune, Lady Elena.
ELENA
Good to meet you. And you?
BETTY
Betty.
FINA
My very best friend.
ELENA
And of course I know Meltyre.
MELTYRE
(stilted)
Yeah. Um. How…are you?
ELENA
I’ve been doing splendidly. Graduated from the order a few months ago, and I’ve been taking some time off to travel before I start work as a court wizard. For your duchess, as it happens, Lord Whitetower.
STERLING
My duchess? She is most certainly not my duchess.
ELENA
Oh, you needn’t put on theatrics for me.
STERLING
I was lied about. I was framed!
FINA
Sshh, it’s okay, Sterling, you just drink your weird ice wine.
ELENA
You were due to graduate with us, weren’t you, Meltyre?
MELTYRE
Uh. Yeah.
VELUNE
Graduate? So you’re not actually a member of the circle?
MELTYRE
No, no, I am!
ELENA
You’re officially a member after two years of study. Graduating as a master takes much longer. Unless you’re Meltyre, of course.
FINA
Oh really now?
ELENA
He was going to be the youngest human master in the circle’s history.
FINA
Oh, of course! And where exactly do you get off telling us you’re not a genius, kid?
MELTYRE
(muttering)
I’m not a genius, I just…worked really hard.
ELENA
Harder than anyone I’ve ever met, I should think. Although honestly, you had a knack for magic I’ve never seen the like of. What was it, do you remember? When Professor Althette broke that awful old wand of yours, what did you end up casting with that day?
MELTYRE
(muttering)
It was a…quill pen.
ELENA
That’s right! And it cast just as well as my staff.
VELUNE
Why did this professor break your wand?
MELTYRE
He didn’t like me.
ELENA
Professor Althette was of the opinion that mages ought to come from historically magical families. Some of his arguments had merit, but when it came to Meltyre, the proof was in the pudding, so to speak. He just refused to accept it.
STERLING
What kind of a professor does a thing like that?
MELTYRE
One who’s too brilliant to fire.
ELENA
Unfortunately, yes. But it never stopped you, did it?
MELTYRE
I guess not.
ELENA
We were all so mystified when you left.
VELUNE
You left?
ELENA
Oh it was all very sudden. He just disappeared in the dead of night, just short of graduation. None of us could make heads or tails of it. All sorts of rumors started flying.
MELTYRE
Rumors?
ELENA
Oh, sure. That you’d run away, or finally had that nervous breakdown—
FINA
(snorts)
That’s pretty on-brand.
ELENA
Professor Althette was convinced you’d snapped and turned evil.
MELTYRE
(affronted)
What?
ELENA
Mhmm, called it a warning against unprecedented magic in commoners or some rubbish like that. Not that we ever believed it, of course!
MELTYRE
Uh. Thanks?
ELENA
But now I see! You had a mind to go adventuring!
MELTYRE
Uh—I uh—
ELENA
And I hardly blame you. Academia is well and good, but to go out, really test your mettle, must be be a powerful draw.
MELTYRE
Lady Truestone—
ELENA
Elena, please, Meltyre! You must tell me what you’ve seen, what you’ve learned!
MELTYRE
Elena—
ELENA
Wait, you aren’t the wizard who saved the poor human princess, are you?
MELTYRE
Well—yeah, technically, but—
ELENA
The courage you must have! The boldness, to leave the order—
MELTYRE
(losing his cool)
Elena, I left because my parents died, okay? I’m not—gods.
(collects himself)
I had to go home and—and take care of my sisters and the farm, and sell it. And I—I became an adventurer, yeah, but that’s not why I left.
ELENA
Oh…oh Meltyre, I’m so sorry. And here’s me babbling on…
MELTYRE
It’s fine.
ELENA
I’ll be sure to set people straight, in future. Such a shame it had to happen right before you became a master.
MELTYRE
Yeah.
TAVERN RANDO
(in the distance)
Hey Elena!
ELENA
Ah, there are my friends. It was excellent to meet you all. Safe adventuring to you. Or is that an oxymoron?
VELUNE
Pleasure to meet you, Elena.
Footsteps walking away.
FINA
So. Uh. I’m now taking applications to my new club, where we drudge up other people’s pasts in public. It’s uh…a really bad club, and I am the president.
MELTYRE
You didn’t know.
STERLING
I can’t believe my reputation is still in shambles. The dwarves even know about it.
VELUNE
Did you expect it all to go away?
STERLING
(defensive)
No.
(more level)
I suppose being with you all has helped me forget.
Thoughtful pause.
MELTYRE
She’s such a hypocrite.
VELUNE
Beg pardon?
MELTYRE
If I’d called her Elena when we were studying in the circle, she would have bitten my head off. It was all titles, for everyone. Except me.
STERLING
They didn’t call you by your surname?
MELTYRE
I don’t have a surname, Sterling, I’m just…Meltyre, the farmer’s kid from nowhere.
VELUNE
Then you were given a great opportunity, to be accepted for study with the circle.
MELTYRE
It was everything to me.
VELUNE
And it sounds as though you made the most of it.
MELTYRE
I had to! The order took me in on scholarship, but my parents still had to pay something and it was so much. So I did whatever I could to become a master as fast as I could, and then I could get a placement somewhere, you know? Take care of my family?
FINA
You were so close.
MELTYRE
(sighs)
Yeah.
BETTY
Can you go back?
MELTYRE
Not really. They don’t like it when you leave in the middle of…a course of study, and…they don’t like me, so.
Brief pause.
BETTY
Screw ‘em, then.
FINA
Yeah, they obviously don’t know a good thing when they’ve got one.
MELTYRE
(chuckles)
Thanks, guys.
STERLING
I have a hard time believing that Lady Elena is as competent a wizard as you.
MELTYRE
She’s done all the same training—don’t compare me to her, it’s not making me feel any better.
FINA
Well it’s stupid that she gets to call herself master wizard and you don’t.
VELUNE
I’m curious, Meltyre. Was all that hard work just for your family’s sake? Did you become a wizard for them?
MELTYRE
No, I’m…I’m not gonna pretend I didn’t really want to study magic, ‘cuz I definitely did.
VELUNE
Would you have slowed down, then? If you had all the time you’d wanted?
Thoughtful pause.
MELTYRE
(sheepishly)
Probably not.
FINA
Genius.
MELTYRE
You gotta stop saying that before someone like Elena hears.
FINA
Kid, she’s the one who told me.
STERLING
It seems you have a reputation.
MELTYRE
It’s a pretty niche reputation.
FINA
But what a niche, though, right? Powerful wizards? Meltyre, those nerds all think you’re cool.
Skeptical ause.
MELTYRE
(weakly)
Cool?
FINA
So cool.
MELTYRE
I guess that’s something.
VELUNE
It certainly is.
FINA
If it makes you feel better, I can air some of my sordid past.
STERLING
Oh gods, please don’t.
MELTYRE
(cautiously amused)
I don’t think I want to know.
FINA
Once…I…kissed a sheep.
STERLING
Eugh!
VELUNE
Well…you were a shepherd.
FINA
Oh, no, this was long after I left. No self-respecting shepherd kisses a sheep, you know exactly where that mouth’s been.
BETTY
You did that more than once.
FINA
Ohh, yeah, I forgot about the second time.
MELTYRE
But—but why?
FINA
There are few better ways to convince someone you’re out of your mind than making out with livestock.
STERLING
Why were you pretending to be mad?
FINA
The first time it was because we were about to be arrested.
BETTY
The second time, too.
MELTYRE
(laughing)
Yeah, I was right, I didn’t want to know.
FINA
I am sorry, Meltyre. Seriously.
MELTYRE
I’m okay. Really! I don’t need to be a master.
STERLING
Is that so?
MELTYRE
Uh…yeah?
STERLING
It just…seems like something you’d care about a great deal.
MELTYRE
Huh. I think I’d…I think I used to.
VELUNE
What’s changed?
Thoughtful pause.
MELTYRE
Uh…jeez. I don’t know, um…you guys, I think.
FINA
Awwww, little old us?
MELTYRE
Kinda, yeah. These past few months, you’ve…I mean, I know my own value. Or I think I do. Intellectually, anyway, even if I don’t always really believe it. And if I don’t feel like a master now, I don’t think I would have if I actually was one either, so.
(noncommittal noise)
VELUNE
Well said.
FINA
Was it though?
BETTY
Be nice.
STERLING
Brave words from someone who’s kissed not one but two sheep.
FINA
Aaaand I regret telling you that. What’s next on our grand tour of the Wood of Woe?
VELUNE
The map says something about a vile swamp. Look, it literally says the words “vile swamp.”
STERLING
Good thing we have an accomplished wizard.
FINA
Oh, you’re gonna swell his head. Stay humble, Meltyre, we know how susceptible you are to flattery.
Fading out.
MELTYRE
(chuckling)
I—sure, I’ll try.
Theme song.
TESSA
Next time, on Inn Between…
MELTYRE
You have to be careful about these swamp plants.
STERLING
They look harmless enough.
MELTYRE
Sure, but they have a sleep spell in their pollen, and if you get too close, they explode, and—
Poof, and a sparkle magic noise. Meltyre yelps, and there’s a thud.
BETTY
Oops.
Credits:
Episode 2.8, “The Classmate,” was written and directed by Hannah Wright, with assistant director William Wright. The show is produced and edited by Katherine Ayers.
The voice of Sterling is Marquis Dijon Archuleta; the voice of Betty is Kaleigh Christopher; the voice of Fina is Riley Jones; the voice of Velune is Kira Mills; and the voice of Meltyre is Austin Mowat. Additional voices by Hannah Wright and Kalen Grinnell.
This episode featured the voice of special guest Eager Question as Lady Elena Truestone. You can find her writing on reddit, at R/Eager_Question_Writes.
Fina’s guitar is played by Eli Isbell, and our theme song is by Eli McIlveen.
Transcripts for this and every episode can be found on our website, thegoblinshead.com. Find and follow us on twitter, @inn_between_, or support us on patreon, at patreon.com/thegoblinshead.
If you like our show, write yourself a 300k word fanfiction about it, or leave us a review on Apple Podcasts. Thanks for listening!
Theme song ends. Tavern sounds.
ELENA
Is this ale locally brewed? I’d love to try something super novel, you know, like something exotic.
TESSA
(huffs)
Tourists.