Our heroes pick a fight.
Transcript is below the cut!
INTRO:
HANNAH
Hi, everyone, Hannah and Tessa here to thank a couple of our new patrons.
TESSA
Yes, hello. We would like to thank Alice Alexandra the Sorcerer and Lezlie the Bard for their support. Thank you so very much.
HANNAH
How did you know their go-to D&D classes?
TESSA
Classes? W…I just assumed that, because they became patrons on the same day, they were friends, journeying together on a fantastical quest. Or something.
HANNAH
Hm, maybe so. If you’d like to join them on a fantastical quest of supporting the show, go to patreon.com/thegoblinshead.
TESSA
And now, let’s go to the Inn.
RECAP:
Inn Between theme plays in the background.
TESSA
Previously on Inn Between…
CASTOR
How much farther to Belling?
TODE
Not long now, just a bit more forest to pass through.
KNOWLES
Here’s a neat little city.
ROSIE
How nice to be in civilized company again.
CASTOR
What do you mean “civilized”?
Inn Between theme fades away.
Background sounds of tavern.
CASTOR
You’re telling me that you had no formal education to speak of?
KNOWLES
Unless a couple years’ worth of local grammar school counts? No. Why does that surprise you?
CASTOR
I… I don’t know. I just… Education is important to dwarves, that’s all. It’s a matter of law. And… hardly anyone slips through the cracks, so I’ve… never met someone—
ROSIE
You’ve lived among humans for… a while, right? You probably actually have.
CASTOR
Huh. I’ve… honestly never considered it.
KNOWLES
I turned out alright, even so.
CASTOR
I’ll say you did!
(in awe)
Your mathematical ability alone…
KNOWLES
Oh, that didn’t come from my education. I learned all that myself.
CASTOR
Really?
ZARA
Intelligence and education are uncorrelated, Castor.
CASTOR
Well… sure, of course. I do know that, it’s… just…
ZARA
(spiteful)
Hard to act like it?
ROSIE
You ever notice how the longed you spend being educated, the less you know?
ZARA
(snort)
TODE
Why go to pursue more education, then?
ZARA
Because… universities, Circles of wizardry, academia, it’s the purest form of power in this plane of existence. Nowhere else on Earth has all that knowledge in one place.
TODE
Interesting.
KNOWLES
Don’t suppose they have any school out in the woods.
TODE
Not as you would think of it. I’ll be honest… I never saw the point.
ROSIE
Are you in favor of education or not, then, Zara?
ZARA
I’m in favor of learning. Academia as it currently stands, however, is a crumbling tower from a bygone era.
ROSIE
Hm.
KNOWLES
That’s poetic.
CASTOR
(confused)
But… you attended a wizard Circle.
ZARA
I was kicked out of a wizard Circle.
ROSIE
It’s okay. Schooling is overrated, you didn’t miss much.
KNOWLES
What? Does a thief have much schooling?
ROSIE
I can’t speak for all thieves, but…
KNOWLES
(playful)
Oh, are we secretly refined and highfalutin?
ROSIE
(small gasp)
Bite your tongue, sergeant, how dare you?
KNOWLES
(laughs)
ROSIE
But, yes. I had a full education. All through my childhood up until I was grown.
TODE
(puzzled)
All through? When did you have time to be young?
ROSIE
A question I was constantly asking, Tode.
KNOWLES
Well, well.
Door opens.
RAIST
(with a standard American accent)
(showboating tone)
Ladies and gentlemen and others! You are in the presence of the three newest masters of the Circle of the Brackish Water!
WIZARDS
(whooping and hollering)
ZARA
(sarcastic)
Oh… great.
RAIST
Innkeep, drinks for the new masters! And keep ’em coming!
CASTOR
(a little amazed)
Master wizards!
ROSIE
Speaking of education…
KNOWLES
Castor, you seem the type. You ever go out for any wizard circles?
CASTOR
Me?
(laugh)
Oh, no. No. No. I mean I… I thought about it, but it’s… awfully expensive and… my family and I weren’t really in a position to pay for that kind of thing.
ZARA
(dryly)
Ultimately, most of the time, education comes back to money.
RAIST
My fellow masters, who among mortals can match us for magical mayhem?
WIZARD 1
(with a British accent)
Not a soul, Raist!
RAIST
(emphatically)
Not a soul!
ZARA
(groans)
RAIST
And who among mages knows what we know?
WIZARD 2
(standard American accent with slight speech impediment)
(forcefully)
Nobody!
RAIST
Not! A! One!
KNOWLES
Bit high on themselves, aren’t they?
ROSIE
You met many wizards?
KNOWLES
The Court Wizard seemed alright to me.
ZARA
He’s not a master.
RAIST
Who can meet us?
WIZARD 1
No one!
RAIST
Who can challenge us?
WIZARD 2
No one!
RAIST
Who can defeat us?
WIZARDS
No one!
Chair scoots.
CASTOR
(worried)
Uh… Zara?
ZARA
No one. Not a soul. Really?
CASTOR
(whispers)
Shouldn’t we stop her?
KNOWLES
(amused)
Certainly not.
ROSIE
This should be good!
KNOWLES
Anyone got popcorn?
TODE
I have berries!
ZARA
I’ve had about enough of you blowhards for one day.
RAIST
Ho ho! What are you supposed to be?
ZARA
(with fake cheer)
A challenger! But I’m surprised you can see me past your own massive egos.
WIZARDS
Oooh.
RAIST
So, you think you can take on three master wizards in the Circle of the Brackish Water?
ZARA
(condescending)
I’ve never heard of the Blackish Water. Are you a new Circle? Still taking amateurs?
RAIST
(annoyed)
It’s Brackish, first of all, like salt. And secondly—
ZARA
Oh, salt. Wouldn’t know anything about that.
RAIST
And secondly, who, exactly, do you think you are?
ZARA
I’m nobody. Problem is, neither are you, and yet here you are, swanning around like the word “master” means a single thing.
RAIST
(affronted)
Excuse me?
ZARA
You and your pretty wands are welcome to shut up. Or leave.
RAIST
Well, and who’s gonna make us?
(derisive)
You?
ZARA
You know?
The sound of Zara’s magic, a crackle and whoosh of fire.
ZARA
I rather think I will.
RAIST
(smugly)
Well, we’ve got ourselves a sorcerer! Watch out, my fellow masters! If she loses control, the whole place will go up!
ZARA
I don’t lose control.
RAIST
All sorcerers lose control eventually. It’s just a matter of time. Isn’t that right, friends?
KNOWLES
Uh oh.
ROSIE
(worriedly)
How are her odds?
KNOWLES
Not good.
ROSIE
Say when.
RAIST
Look at her, she’s trembling!
WIZARD 1
Due to burst, more like!
ZARA
(forcefully, angry)
Shut. Up.
WIZARD 2
Look out, she’s gonna blow!
ZARA
You think you know so much. Why don’t you put your magic where your mouth is?
RAIST
If that’s what you want, demonspawn. Fellow masters?
KNOWLES
When.
Magical whoosh of the wizards. Sharp, high sound as if by crystal.
Knife is thrown and hitting target.
Wand and knife falling to the floor with a cling.
RAIST
Ow!
ROSIE
Next time I’ll aim a little lower than your wand.
WIZARD 1
This doesn’t concern you, drow.
KNOWLES
You know, maybe you’re right, but if you three are gonna gang up on one person in what I can only presume is some kind of academic power trip, then you’ll excuse us if we feel the need to even the odds.
TESSA
What in blazes…? There will be no magical battles inside this inn, so help me! And you three, I’ve had quite enough of your gloating.
RAIST
Excuse me, Innkeep—
TESSA
(firmly)
You are excused!
RAIST
(scoff)
I see excellence in wizardry is not welcome here. Come on.
WIZARD 2
But Raist—
RAIST
(strongly)
Come on, I said!
Door creaks open and shut.
Chair scoots over as Tode rises.
TODE
(pleasant)
If you would all excuse me a moment.
CASTOR
Where are you going?
TODE
Outdoors.
Door creaks open.
Chair scoot as Zara settles.
ZARA
I didn’t need your help.
KNOWLES
(disbelieving)
Zara, are you trying to tell me that you could take on three master wizards alone?
Pause.
ZARA
(low)
I just wanted them to shut up.
ROSIE
You did that, at least.
CASTOR
Were you really going to fight them?
ZARA
Yes. Still would.
CASTOR
(flatly)
You would die.
ZARA
I’d take a couple of them with me first.
KNOWLES
That would be a waste.
ROSIE
Can we split your hundred gold? You know, if you died because you charged into mage battles headfirst?
ZARA
(amused, almost like a laugh)
Hm.
CASTOR
Why do you hate them so much?
ZARA
(slowly)
Before I was with the Circle of Greenish Fire, my education most closely mirrored Knowles. And no matter how hard I worked…
(tired, almost defeated chuckle)
…no matter how good I was, no matter that I paid for my tuition in full with coin earned by my own hand…
(darkly)
They never let me forget it.
A thoughtful pause.
KNOWLES
I see why it’s so easy for you to be angry.
Door creaks open and shut.
Chair scoot as Tode sits.
TODE
(cheerfully)
Hello, everyone!
CASTOR
(miffed)
Where have you been?
TODE
Outdoors! Strangest thing!
ROSIE
Do tell.
TODE
Those wizards had such lovely robes! It’s a shame that they’re entirely infested with fleas!
ROSIE
Fleas?
TODE
The itching should start presently.
ZARA
(snorts)
CASTOR
Are… you okay?
ZARA
(laughs, quietly at first before growing louder)
(continues laughing)
(and laughs some more)
ROSIE
Tode. Tode, you broke her.
ZARA
(chuckles)
Fleas.
KNOWLES
(amused)
You probably shouldn’t have done that.
TODE
You cannot prove anything, guard.
ROSIE
That’s the spirit!
Chair scoots.
ZARA
I’m getting drinks. Anyone not want a drink?
CASTOR
You’re buying?
ZARA
Speak now, before I change my mind.
ROSIE
Hey, can you get my knife too? It’s right over—
ZARA
(from the distance)
Get it yourself.
ROSIE
Ugh, fine.
Chair scoots.
ROSIE
(fades away)
Anyone want a wand or…?
OUTRO:
Inn Between theme plays in the background.
TESSA
Next time, on Inn Between…
KNOWLES
We’re what? Three days out from Belling?
TODE
And the world grows strange as we get closer.
ZARA
Strange how?
ROSIE
(nervously)
This is just a fact-finding mission, right?
CREDITS:
HANNAH
This episode, “The Circle,” was written and directed by Hannah Wright with assistant director William Wright. The show is produced and edited by Katherine Ayers.
The voice of Castor is Caleb Del Rio. The voice of Zara is Quin Leigh. The voice of Tode is Anthony Morales. The voice of Rosie is Lucille Valentine. The voice of Knowles is JV Hampton-VanSant.
This episode featured the voices of our special guests: Ash Williams as Raist and Sophie Ryder and Alex Wengenroth as the other wizards.
Our theme song is by Eli Hamada McIlveen and our artwork is by Gabrielle Buxman. Our transcriber is Ria Couoh.
Transcripts for this and every episode can be found on our website, thegoblinshead.com.
Find and follow us on Twitter, @inn_between_, or support us on patreon, at patreon.com/thegoblinshead.
If you like the show, symbolically confront your childhood bullies in a public place. Or leave us a review.
Thanks for listening!
Music ends.
POST-CREDITS:
Tavern sounds.
RAIST
This establishment is non-inclusive and discriminatory!
WIZARD 1
It ought to be shut down!
WIZARD 2
I am personally inconvenienced!
TESSA
(flatly)
Yes, your life is so hard as a master wizard, I’m sure. Don’t you have somewhere else to be annoying?
EPISODE ENDS.