Absolutely No Adventures is a fantasy (un)adventure story that follows Sig, the owner of Signature Eats bakery, as he aggressively avoids becoming embroiled in any daring quests or chosen one shenanigans even though the universe really seems to want him to do just that.
Check them out at noadventurespod.com.
Transcript is below the cut!
Hannah: Hi everyone! Hannah here. We’re hard at work on season five, and I’m so excited for you to see what we’re working on, but while you’re waiting, I want to introduce you to a show you’re going to love.
Absolutely No Adventures is the story of Sig, a man who was born under every star and is everyone’s chosen hero and decides…nope! He’s not gonna do that! He’s going to start a bakery. It’s cozy, funny, and lighthearted, and oh so good. Enjoy this episode, and then go enjoy every episode because they’re all great. Bye!
[Music: Upbeat, Intro Music Plays]
Sig: Welcome to the Signature Eats bakery! I’m Sig and we’ve got breads, pies, cookies, cakes, and Absolutely No Adventures.
[Music: The Intro Music Plays Us Into The Scene]
[SFX: Fire crackles in the background.]
[SFX: A bell dings and the oven opens. Happy pulls the baking tray out of the oven and walks over to Sig.]
Happy: It is done.
Sig: I’m telling you, it’s not.
[SFX: Happy sets down the tray.]
Happy: How can it not be done? I followed the recipe exactly. And besides, how would you know? You have never even seen one before and the Toroid of Dimension and Despair is a feat of mundane and arcane craftsmanship beyond your mere human comprehension.
Sig: Mhm. Well, this human can comprehend that it’s not done. It needs at least another ten minutes in the oven.
Happy: It is done.
Sig: Take a bite out of it then.
Happy: I will.
[SFX: Happy loudly bites into the Toroid. His chewing sounds get slower and less enthusiastic until they stop completely.]
Happy: It…is not done.
Sig: Truesight never fails. Just put it back in the oven.
Happy: No. The ritual is ruined. If I put it back into the oven it will not be a Toroid of Dimension and Despair. It will be a common Toroid at best. Not worth my time.
Sig: Aww, come on. Don’t be grumpy. I’ll eat the Toroid.
Happy: Your attempt at pity is noted but not accepted. I will go into the kitchen and destroy the evidence of my failure.
[SFX: Happy walks off. The door to the kitchen opens and shuts.]
Sig: I believe in you, buddy! OK. What was I…uh, right, the day’s sales. That was fifty loaves of bread. Three-dozen cookies. Hmm. Three pies. Slow day for pies.
[SFX: The front door opens and shuts. Armored footsteps.]
Isadora: Are you Sig? I’m looking for Sig.
Sig: You found him. I’m Sig and this is the Signature Eats Bakery. We’re closing up but there’s still some stuff leftover if you really need something. Especially if what you need is pie. I made way too many pies today.
Isadora: I don’t need pies. What I need is help.
Sig (suspicious): What kind of help?
Isadora: I have come from very far to find you. I had to cross the Pax! And you weren’t easy to locate once I was here.
Sig: That’s a lot of dedication for baked goods.
Isadora: I didn’t come for baked goods. You have to know that I didn’t cross the ocean and show up in your bakery in full plate armor for baked goods.
Sig: Well then I’m sorry, but I can’t help you.
Isadora: But, you have to!
Sig: I don’t think I do. Again, unless you’ve changed your mind on the pie thing, in which case, I am definitely your guy.
Isadora: No! It–it has to be you! We read the prophecy. We followed the signs!
Sig: You like signs, huh? Well, read the one on the counter, right there in front of you.
Isadora: “Signature Eats Bakery. Adventurers Welcome. Absolutely No Adventures.”
Sig: It’s right there when you walk in. First thing you see. But does anyone read it? Of course not. I don’t even know why I bothered putting it up.
Isadora: I don’t understand.
Sig: Listen, I’m sure you don’t want to hear my whole life story, but all you need to know is whatever adventure or quest it is you want to drag me into? It’s not happening.
Isadora: But the prophecy–!
Isadora: A seventh son of a seventh son–!
Sig: That’s not really any of your business.
Isadora: And a child of two worlds–!
Sig: Also none of your business.
Isadora: Not to mention the star charts–!
Sig: I said no, OK? Don’t make me get Happy.
Isadora (confused): You mean angry?
Sig: No, I mean Happy. Hap! Get in here! We’ve got another one!
[SFX: The back door opens and closes as Happy walks back into the room.]
Isadora (disbelief): He’s Happy?
Happy: I am. But you may call me by my full name: Happiness Escapes All Who Behold His Great and Terrible Visage.
Sig (come on): Haaaap.
Happy (grumbling): Or, alternatively, as that is cumbersome for humans to say, you may call me Mr. Happy.
Sig: As in, “Bye Mr. Happy,” because you were just leaving, right?
[SFX: Armored footsteps.]
Isadora: Wait! Just–wait. Please. I’ve come all this way. Won’t you at least talk to me? I’ll–I’ll buy some of your pie if that will help? I’ll get a slice and–
Happy (way too intense): Pies are sold whole or not at all! You will not buy a slice.
Sig: Woah, Geez, Hap. Take it down a few notches.
Happy: She will honor the store policy or she will have no pie.
Isadora: Then I’ll buy a whole pie. That’s fine. I just want to talk. Here.
[SFX: Coins jingle in her pouch and then clatter onto the table.]
Isadora: Whatever that will get me is fine. I don’t care.
[SFX: Sig gets the pie.]
Sig: Dealer’s choice, huh? Then let’s go with apple. My personal favorite. But this is cold. Let me heat it up for you. Happy, can you get it?
Happy: As you wish.
[SFX: A woosh of fire.]
Isadora (alarmed): You just–! Fire! Out of your hand! Without a spell!
Happy: Aberrant Ones can do many things beyond human capabilities.
Isadora (even more alarmed): An Aberrant One!?
[SFX: She draws her sword with a sick flourish.]
Sig: Woah, woah, woah! Happy, stop freaking out the humans with your Aberrant One talk. And, you, put that sword back in its sheath. Happy isn’t gonna hurt anyone. He just always sounds like he is. And I’m not gonna talk to you if you stab my best friend. I mean, I probably will but it’ll be more like, “How dare you,” and, “You’ll pay for this.”
[SFX: She slowly re-sheathes her sword]
Isadora: So you’ll talk to me then?
Sig: I will, but I’d prepare for disappointment if I were you. So, what’s the story this time? You said there was a prophecy. Is this one of those “find a lost treasure” things or is it more life or death?
Isadora: The second. If it was just for treasure, it wouldn’t concern me but a dreadlich will descend upon our kingdom and destroy everyone within its borders unless the one fated to either defeat him or die by his hand is located, given the sacred blade, and brought back. I, of course, was given the task as I am the strongest and most trustworthy of the Queensguard and, when I consulted the Oracle, all signs pointed to you. I have tirelessly followed the trail since and here I am, pleading for your help.
Sig: So you already have the sacred blade? You don’t even want me to find it?
Isadora: Yes, I have it with me. Was that your issue? You didn’t want to go looking for something we might not find? Because, if that’s your only reservation–
Sig: No, no, no. I’m still not doing this. I just want to know, if you have the sacred blade and you know what you have to do, then why do you even need me? I mean, why don’t you do it?
Sig: Yeah. I mean, you’re a knight. A really good one based on how fancy your armor is. In fact, you said you were the Queen’s most trusted guard, right?
Isadora: Yes, we’ve known each other since we were young girls but–
Sig: So why would you–this fearsome warrior–cross the ocean to find me–a baker who has never successfully used a sword in his life–to fight a dreadlich–something you could not make me do for any amount of money–
Happy: One million, seven hundred and fifty thousand gold pieces.
Happy: I would fight a dreadlich for one million, seven hundred and fifty thousand gold pieces.
Sig: Huh. Good to know I guess. And–uh, sorry. I never got your name.
Isadora: Lady Isadora.
Sig: Right. Lady Isadora. I’ve never seen you actually use that sword, but just by the way you’re wearing it, I can promise you that you are 100% more qualified to fight the dreadlich than me. I mean, come on. Look at me. And look at you. Isn’t this literally what you knight-types train for?
Isadora (hesitantly): I had considered that. And properly using a sword is a lot trickier than most people realize. It isn’t just waving it around like a fan. There’s technique and you have to build the strength and stamina to properly wield it. (sighs) I tried to explain this to the Queen and we got into a ridiculous argument about my safety, as if I wouldn’t give my life for hers a million times over, but it doesn’t matter either way because I can’t wield the sword.
Sig: But I thought you were going to stab Happy with it?
Happy: She would not have come close.
Isadora: Oh, that’s not the sacred sword. That one’s mine. The sacred sword is in my pack. Uh, here, let me unwrap it and show you.
[SFX: She unbuckles her pack and then sets down the sword, unwrapping it. There’s an ambient energy aura around it.]
Isadora: See how you can almost feel the blessed energy? I would give anything to wield a weapon like this just once.
Sig: Well, you have it. Why don’t you?
Isadora: Because I can’t. See?
[SFX: She touches the hilt of the sword and, after a very brief moment, we hear sizzling.]
[SFX: She drops it and it clatters back down.]
Happy: It burned you.
Isadora: Only the chosen one can pull the sword from the sheath without being harmed. Which is why we need you. So please. The entire kingdom is at stake. Please say you’ll help.
Isadora: What? What is it?
Sig: Just trying to get a better look at the sword. Do you mind if I hold it for a second?
Isadora: Of course not! Take it.
[SFX: Sig pulls the sword from its sheath with an almost angelic sound]
Isadora (triumphant): You did it! This is wonderful!
Sig: It sure is. Here you go.
Isadora: Why are you handing me the sword? I told you, only the chosen one can use it.
Sig: No. Only the chosen one can pull it from its sheath. But anyone can use the sword. See for yourself.
Isadora: If I touch that, it’ll burn me.
Sig: It won’t.
Isadora: You just saw that it did.
Sig: Fine. Happy, take the sword.
[SFX: Happy takes the sword]
Happy: The blessed energy is unpleasant but I am otherwise uninjured.
Sig: See? Completely safe.
Isadora: But how? It should burn anyone else who touches it, even an Aberrant One. And how could you even tell?
Sig: It’s the Truesight. Never fails. I could see that the spell effect didn’t extend beyond the sheath. Really lazy spellwork honestly. Just put this sword in your normal sheath and you’re good to go.
Isadora: You mean I can just…have it?
Sig: Are you kidding me? You’re obviously the best person for the job and we definitely don’t want it. Just go back home with the sword and tell everyone that you realized that you were the chosen one all along. They’re not gonna question the lady with the glowing, blessed sword.
Isadora (choked up): This is…the most amazing…the biggest thing…how can I ever repay you?
Sig: Oh, uh can I keep the sheath? I bet I could win some bar room bets with it.
Isadora: (laughs) Of course. And here.
[SFX: She unsheathes her sword again]
Isadora: Have my old sword to go with it.
Sig: Eh…not really a sword guy.
Isadora (amused): But how will you bet people they can’t pull the sword from the sheath with no sword to go with it?
Sig: Good point. I guess I’ll take them both.
[SFX: He sheathes the sword.]
Isadora: If you don’t mind my saying so, what was and still is a major concern for me seems like more of a…minor annoyance for you? I’ve never seen a sign like this before.
Sig: Yeah, this happens a lot more often than I’d like. There was…a lot going on when I was born. I set off basically any prophecy or chosen one alarms that are even remotely close to me.
Isadora: That’s incredible. You are absolutely brimming with potential.
Sig: The only things I want to be brimming are this shop with customers and me with warm pie. Speaking of–you want to have a slice before you head out?
Isadora: I don’t know. I–I shouldn’t waste time. The kingdom is in danger.
Sig: Come on. I might not be good at swords, but I do make pies good enough that people who are good at swords would stab people over them.
Isadora (amused): Would they?
Sig: I mean they would if I could figure out how to get the word out about this place. And you can subtract this from the time you would have spent trying to teach me how to sword fight.
Isadora: Ha. You’re right. You did save me a lot of time. And this pie does smell amazing.
Sig: Doesn’t it? I can’t believe we have so much leftover.
Happy: You do not sell them aggressively enough. The customer must be told what they want.
Sig: I keep telling you that is not how this works.
Happy: I get results.
[SFX: Fork scraping against plate]
Isadora: MMM. This is really good.
Sig: Do you want another one to take with you? Half price.
Happy: Full Price.
Isadora: No, he’s right. This is worth the full price. I’ll pay, gladly.
[SFX: Coins clinking]
Happy: I. Get. Results.
Isadora: And, again. I can’t thank you enough. If there’s anything I can do–
[SFX: Armored Footsteps]
Sig: There is one thing.
Isadora: What is it?
Sig: Maybe between now and the next time there’s some big prophecy or quest or something that needs a chosen one-type you can forget my address? Unless you just really want to cross the ocean for another slice of pie.
Isadora: I think I can arrange that.
[Music: Play out to credits with slow medieval music.]
Episode 1, “The Sword in the Sheath” was written and directed by Destiny Howell. The show is produced and edited by Audiohm Media with the theme music by Laurence Owen.
Starring the voice talents of; Wes Haas as Sig, Karsten Otto as Happy, and featuring Briar Zachary as Lady Isadora.
Special Thanks to Executive Taste Tester, Camille.
If you enjoyed the show, be sure to leave us a review and subscribe. You can find us online at noadventurespod.com or at our Twitter @noadventurespod for extras, transcripts, and absolutely no adventures.
Isadora: What would an Aberrant One even do with gold?
Happy (duh): Engage in commerce.
This episode is dedicated to the loving memory of Gerald Ben-Ami. May you always have the greatest adventures.